Arrgh, have I done wrong? Need advice on Dh's relationship with DD

[confusedmum2one]

Hi

For anyone that's been following my threads, things have got a lot better between us. We talk more, I have really chilled out about things and just ignored things that would usually upset me.
This Sat I have a spa day with some of my baby circle friends. DH and I are going to see a band on Friday night and his parents house are about 10 mins from the spa. MIL called and said they would babysit at our house (45 mins from spa and 45 mins from Band) on fri night, I agreed and thanked her and in passing mentioned my spa day on saturday. 10 mins later the phone rings again and MIL says why don't we all stay overnight (DH, Me and DD 9 mths) then I can go to the spa and DH can have a lie in. I said we'd talk about it and get back to her.

So, DH says "yeah that's a good idea, I can go and play golf with my Dad". I pointed out that since he rarely even sees DD for 5 mins on a weekday and never alone together at the weekend it'd be a good opportunity for them to spend the day together plus it means not having to take the cot, mattress, bottles, steriliser, etc etc to MIL's house on the friday. this was on sunday and MIL has just phoned to find out what's happening. DH said he would call her back as he hadn't spoken to me. I said it was his choice as he'll be here on sat and I'll be at the spa. He said well I'll take the lie in and golf then. Ok I admit I did then say "ok fine" with a bit of a low tone, then we had a row - he says he's sorry if he's not my ideal of a Dad, I replied that his relationship with DD is upto him but stop keep complaining that DD wont cuddle or kiss him and will always crawl to me and often cries when he picks her up when I'm around. He can't settle her at night and when I was driving at the weekend he got in the back with her and she cried more than what she was, he swore and told me to stop driving, I got in the back and she was quiet immediately. Basically she knows me because I am at home with her and I feel that if DH spends time when he gets the chance with her she will get to know him better.

So, i have the option of taking DD with me on saturday to the spa creche (two babies from our baby group will be there as the partners work offshore) and then DH can either stay at his mums or stay at home or do I put my foot down that we should stay here fri night which means him staying with DD all sat or do I just stay at MIL's fri night then DH go off and have his jolly on sat.

DH does work long and hard hours I know he needs his time off but he doesn't lift a finger in the house, and IMO is putting his recreational time in front of his DD.

Really need other people's perspective on this.

Thanks

You've both got a young baby, and you've both been given a chance to have some "me"-time. Unless this is something that you will get regularly (and bear in mind if you turn down MIL she may not offer again), then personally I would grab it with both hands.

I would also suggest that you can't control his relationship with your dd, and really you shouldn't. If he has a bad day with her then it sours his relationship with her and with you. She is still very young at 9 months, and you'll both find that she changes hugely over the next 18 months+. Some people prefer thier children once they are walking and talking for example. Certainly the 6-12m stage wasn't the best in my books, but ecah person is different.

Your dd will have 2 relaxed parents to play with on Sunday - (as well as having a doting nan on Saturday) - happy family all round I would say.

Paranoidsurreyh/w is very wise

She is still REALLY young. YOU know how important every day is and how great that is for your relationship with her, but for some men I think that their relationships develop very differently. My DH has only recently really started LIKING the baby at all (who is now 14 months) but ADORES the 4 year old - who he didn't really start bonding with until she was around 18 months. You can't control both of them and he needs to ENJOY spending time with her, rather than feeling resentful and obligated.

Enjoy your spa day!

Thanks PSHW and MP for your replies.

You have pointed out that I am trying to control their relationship and I certainly don't want that (I do tend to be a bit of a control freak, I'm trying to break this) so I wont mention again about DH spending time with DD - it's up to him. I enjoy my time with DD and have lots of fun, he generally ignores her in preference to surfing the web or doing one of his hobbies - I did start to feel guilty that she gets clingy to me but instead of trying to get her to go to him and kiss him etc i'll just ignore his "ohhh she doesn't kiss me" comments.

I can see now it'd be wrong of me to put DD in the creche because DH doesn't want to look after her when MIL is choking at the bit to spend more time with her.

I should've also mentioned that his Mum and sister (who lives at home) are totally besotted with DD - I live 400 + miles from my family and sometimes feel they are a bit suffocating. However, reading your replies I realise again that that will be DD's relationship with MIL and nothing to do with me. Sorry if this is really obvious to you all, I was brought up in an extremely controlled environment and for many years did EXACTLY what my mum told/asked me to do and often find it hard to step back. I am on the list for some counselling to help me sort out these things but in the meantime am really trying.

Thanks

Enjoy your spa day! Tbh (and you may not find this to be the case at all) your particular age of baby can also be quite draining - they are still so dependent on you for everything, even interpreting their needs. I went back to work for 6 months because I found it too much, but then stopped working when my oldest was 14/15 months and started walking and talking - what a difference! A few hours break could be quite therapeutic.

Even as the years pass I have to bite my tongue with dh. I've tended to do the reading up (mainly on Mumsnet!) about different stages, and getting views on discipline and different activities. It would be very easy for me to "tell" dh what to do, but I've learnt to let him work it out, and otherwise it then becomes my fault too when something goes wrong with the children! It's difficult though when I see him doing the "wrong" thing!

confusedmum: don't beat yourself up too much - you sound like a GREAT mum xxx

PSW, yes some of my baby circle friends find it very draining looking after their babies but although sometimes I really look forward to when DD has her naps I really just enjoy my time with her. I feel really lucky I'm off with her until she's a year old and then I'll be working 3 days a wk. DD is such a pleasant baby, she only cries if she's overtired or in pain, she goes off and plays with her toys then comes and gives me cuddles and I play with her. She's good as gold in the pushchair and although in the car I have to sing to her to stop her crying it's not hard work. She's a cutey pie to other people too, so I get lots of lovely comments about her which is really rewarding.

I think I've been feeling guilty when DD wont kiss/cuddle/go to DH which is why I do try and encourage them to have time alone. My family are miles away so when DH is off doing his thing I automatically spend time with DD whereas when I do my thing DH runs round to his parents where his mum minds DD. I don't have a problem with it but I think it contributes to how their relationship is.

I really relate to what you say about not telling them what to do, this caused problems with our relationship in the early days as I was really gobsmaked by some of the things DH was doing, I knew he wasn't putting her in danger but he didn't seem to react to her crying (e.g he would try and give her a bottle during the night, she refused it so he laid her flat on the bed and just kept trying to force it on her even though she was screaming the house down. I would go in to see if they were ok and he took the huf and walked into spare room saying "you do it then". I didnt' know what to do for the best - listen to DD screaming, really screaming or go and try and help/bf the baby).

MP - thanks

There are some areas confusedmum where you've really got a point though. My dp works very long hours and all weekend frequently. Since dd was born she's been virtually glued to my side and although she's clearly now (aged 4) very fond of her dad it is always me who she comes to and who she prefers to do anything and everything when we do find ourselves able to be all together.

It used to really bother me and sometimes it still does, that dp is more excited by and drawn to spend time with his work than he is with us. I've got used to it now and he does realise now she's getting older that he's got a lot of ground to make up with her.

In your situation though I'd be totally selfish, sod him, have your spa day and know that your dd is getting attention from and time to bond with other members of your family. Why try to force along a relationship with an unwillling partner when you have completely doting and willing people offering their support?

By the way I had a super-controlling mum too! It's hard to relax after that kind of up-bringing, no?

Yes IF, it is really hard to relax and let things take their own course when you have been brought up with someone dictating how things will turn out. I think I am being a bit petty as well though - I am not MIL's daughter (obviously) and have a very different view of her to DH so when I booked the spa day and it was a saturday I didn't think "oh who can I ask to mind DD", I knew DH wasn't working so presumed he would look after her "I knew for a fact he didn't have any prior engagements etc. So for me the equation was just about who would babysit DD on Fri night (but we only let DH's family babysit at the moment, haven't got to know anyone else well enough).

Well, things are really bad tbh. This started as a discussion, ended up me slagging off his mum (which I apologised for) and then him accusing me of having ulterior motives etc. He's not speaking to me even though I've apologised. He's said some nasty things (I said I don't feel very loved and he said well you're not acting very lovable at the moment). We are at a strange place in our marriage and relationship. Part of the day I wish I wasn't with him (due to some things this year) and then part of me rationalises that it's because of me being controlling/jealous/lack of trust that we are like this. I sometimes think he should take some of the responsibility but he just says its not him with the problem.
And there's me putting in my OP that things are a lot better, dear oh dear this is such a mess.

Thanks

dearie me, this is a bit of a mess isn't it? Stop blaming yourself, it takes two to tango - you may be slightly imperfect but is he Mr Husband 2007 himself? thought not.

Having a baby is really tough on a relationship - it shifts everything, and not necessarily for the better. Classic pattern - mum gets handed the baby and has to get on with it, so gets experienced and good at it. Happy baby, happy mum. Dad gets handed the baby by mum, gets it wrong, hands baby back to mum who fixes the problem, dad never learns how to get it right, feels resentful of mum and dd relationship, feels emascuated and crap, feels only value is at work, feels guilty...Sound familiar?

If this is where you are, handing him the baby and expecting him to be happy when he could be off with his dad being Successful Golf God instead isn't going to work. You may need to make it bitesized - give him a small dd task that is his alone and that he can become the expert in. Stay out of it. Build it up from there. I wish I had taken my advice 15 years ago!

I don't think you have done anything wrong and I think you have had some good advice from the others.

My DH really surprises me on this as well, but blokes are different, he plays with DS for about 3 minutes in the morning and I can see him mentally patting himself on the back for being a Good Dad.

You have had some great advice from others and I would just add let him do his golf and stay at his mums but at some point in the future I would organise another day or session away when you know his mums not available.

I was away for a weekend and so was my mum (hee hee) and DH surprised me, he did a really good job of looking after DS but was surprised that everything took so long ( double hee hee) and seemed to have more appreciation of what I did, cumulative effects wear off though so you have to go away relatively frequently to ensure the message remains in brain.

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