The realities of being a single parent?

[justanewmummy]

I just can't bear to be in this relationship anymore. I've tried to make it work for so long but I need out now.

This is the situation;
We have 2 children, 22mo and 11 weeks.
Neither are in childcare but DD1 due to start nursery in February for 3 half days per week.
I juggle looking after the children with running my own business which in reality means I work late at night as no time during the day.
I can afford to get a cleaner or part time nanny but not sure if I want to.
Soon to be ex doesn't work but will have to get a job when we split.
He will want to see the children as much as possible. I'm still BF DD2 so how would it work? Would he have to see them both in my house?
I don't drive but ex does.
How do I find time to shower etc?
How do bedtimes with 2 of them work?

I'm sure there's lots of things I haven't even thought of yet. Please tell me the realities so that it isn't too much of a shock to the system.

I have to do this for my own sanity.

I became a single parent when my DT's were 4 month old. I left the family home at the same time so effectively made myself homeless.

Best thing I ever did.

Not going to lie. It was hard. But the boost to my self-respect and the sudden ease with which I found problems could be overcome when you alone are the master of your own future was well worth it.

In practical terms, the main thing is get yourself good childcare. You cannot be chief parent, chief earner, and chief child-carer. You can be the former two, but not the latter as well. Delegate. It does not take away from you as a parent. You simply learn to make the time you have together count more.

Secondly, child-proof your home. You need to have a safe place to leave DC when you shower, need to make a quiet phone call, etc. I used an old-fashioned wooden play pen.

Bedtimes - try a number of ways and see what works. What I found with mine was that a bedtime story and long cuddle together in my bed worked well. Then I put them to bed in their own beds separately and spent 5 mins with each of them, alternating who went first each night.

Contact - depends on how your X takes. If he's not someone you want to be with but is a good dad and a decent person, no reason why contact can't be at your place until breast feeding is no longer an issue. However, if he's a freeloader, contact will be best away from your house. You can get round that by either having regular but short contact sessions to not interfere with BF, or you can express so he can take it away with him.

The main thing with single parenting is the loneliness and the overwhelming sense of responsibility. I like being alone, so loneliness didn't bother me, but I also have a superb network of friends, and I'd recommend that to everyone no matter what their circumstances. No one is an island. We all need people we can talk to and offload to, who we can lean on when times are hard. Regarding the sense of responsibility - embrace it. Yes, it's a big responsibility. But by the same token it's a huge privilege, liberating (not having to compromise your parenting ideals), and very boosting to your self-esteem (I did it on my own!) and the rewards of knowing that wonderful child is a product of your parenting is immense.

If this is the right thing for you, it will be a good thing. Contrary to popular belief, single parenting is not shit; it can be great.

Great thread! I note quite a few of us have said be firm on bedtimes etc. I am at the stricter end because I can't have the kids run roughshod over me. It works because there is calmness and order in the house although not tidiness

. We are a very happy unit with me as as the slightly comical commander in chief. You have to inhabit that role as head of the household.

(I also don't iron).

The realities will vary hugely depending on your financial situation, emotional wellbeing, support network etc.

In your situation it will be difficult as your children are very young and for what it's worth if you can afford getting the nanny I would do it. You will need all the support you can get. It might be tough now, but you need to think about your long term independence, financial strength etc and keeping your hand in and clearing a space to enable you to work and ramp up that work as your kids get older will pay dividends in the long term.

Single parenthood is hard from a logistical and (usually) financial perspective. It will take some adjusting to. Your social life will probably suffer and you will sometimes feel lonely and overwhelmed.

But even at its hardest, its a thousand times better than being in an unhappy relationship.

When I separated, a weight lifted from me and I felt like I was who I really was for the first time in ten years. I am now free to bring my daughter up in a way which I think benefits her, and do things I want for me. Its' been hard, and I've had some bleak moments. But I don't regret it for a minute.

My dc are older, but my life is so much easier without my ex. I can manage my money - even though we're on less, it isn't getting pissed away. There's less housework and less resentment because I'm not thinking "why couldn't he have done that?!" - and the bog doesn't get as vile, tmi .

The other night I wanted to do my 4 yo's guided reading with him once my younger 2 had gone to bed. It's the only time we can really concentrate and enjoy that time together without getting distracted.
Well DH wanted him to go to bed so he could have some peace and quiet. He reduced me to tears because he started yelling at me about how he had to be in work early the next day.

It's things like this ^^ that make me wish I could be a single parent. Nobody to answer to, nobody to control us, nobody to make me feel completely worthless, nobody to spend money on fags and booze and then complain when we're skint, nobody to disregard Ds's education in front of him like that, nobody to speak to his mummy in front of him like that.

mascara I am sorry your in this situation, women's aid give excellent practical help on leaving unhealthy relationships.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

mascara being a single parent will be better than this, trust me, I've been in your situation.

I don't know what your financial situation is or how easy it is for you, so don't want to give a trite "LTB" as I know it can be much harder in reality than just walking out of the door, but I promise you that parenting on your own will be better than this and you should work towards this goal if your DH is being obstructive to a happy, relaxed family life.

I second speaking to women's aid.

Op good advice on this thread. I have been a sp for 13 years work full time and owned my house outright. Its tough at times as don't get any child support as the it dad dead but he was a loser so all good

This has been amazing reading this thread. It's 5 weeks since H walked out of the door and this weekend I've had a great time, with DD, and a cousin to stay and started to think that yes, being a SP, whilst not what I wanted for DD, is really going to be OK.

I don't know if I have a rose-tinted view of being a LP but I'm finding these posts more negative than I remember.

I left a severely abusive marriage so being a LP was absolute BLISS. I loved it and I don't recognise the gruelling accounts on here.

I say I loved it bcs they've flown the nest - so maybe I've forgotten the bad bits? I really don't know but I don't remember it being gruelling. Yes, sometimes I broke a sweat with the sheer volume of things I had to do - as in sweat like drops of blood (metaphorically!) - but I was exceptionally organised, which I perfected as time went on. There is so much you simply don't have to do, as in: uneccesary. That said, i'm an ironer - not everything, certainly, but I like ironed stuff. But i do things in record time having perfected so many shortcuts - these days i cook complicated meals from scratch in half an hour bcs I've had so much practice (I suppose most women could say that though).

The only thing I remember that probably indicates I was always on the run was I played the piano sitting sideways: ready to take off and attend to whatever. Bedtime happened like clockwork, I was a martinet about that, I HAD to have downtime. For years and years I didn't watch telly before 9pm: 4-9 was my mega busy time and I resented interruptions eg phone calls between those times - I instructed people not to call and gave many hapless cold-callers a white-hot mouthful if they dared.

I should also say my career took a knock (she says with major understatement) in that I chose not to pursue it. The kids had gone through a divorce, leaving a beloved home, seeing a beloved dad eow and not only couldn't i put my mind to both career and kids but i didn't want them farmed out the entire time. My choice, not right for everyone. I worked p/t (4 days per week) sometimes f/t (too much, nearly finished me off - my kids begged me not to work f/t bcs I was so exhausted I had a face like a board and I was vile) but didn't pursue my career until they were grown and gone. I couldn't do both at once. This probably makes a major difference to my experience as a LP. It also meant we were not well-off at all so I did EVERYTHING myself c/o YouTube, as mentioned by a pp.

I once saw an art work of a woman with a house on her back and I cried. So maybe it was gruelling at times but I've forgotten it now. Completely. I only remember the amazing times and there was so much of that, most of it daily domestic stuff.

Lovely post springydaffs - I only see the positives too. You sound as if you did an amazing job. Playing the piano sideways really made me smile.

OP if your STBX doesn't work and you run a business is he a SAHP and primary carer?

Penfold's question is probably th emost material on the thread. If that is so then the father may get the children and house and the mother leaves lives in a bed sit and pays to keep the father and children. So do take legal adviec from a solicitor before splitting up. I did and my only question before I'd even decided to divorce was would I lose the children (their father who like I do worked full time did a bit more than I did with them in terms of time although not a huge amount as we had a full time daily nanny). Had the lawyer's answer been yes I would not have divorced. That is the position of many men too - they endure truly awful marriages and wives because they cannot risk losing their children living with them every day.

The reality is that you need to seek legal advice ASAP.

Are you married? Is his name on the property you live in? Is he likely to claim that he's the primary carer (given that he doesn't work)?

It may be that you need to bide your time a bit, get a few things lined up, and get him into a job, before you split. I think any split is going to need careful planning on your part.

I don't watch tv before 9 either!9 is my knocking off time. I also prioritised being home a bit more over my so called career, and that has definitely taken the pressure off. Have learned to live on very little, and like you springy I cook fast!
I also worked ft for a bit, and that was really awful, so I can see that 4 days rather than 5 makes all the difference.
I think sometimes married people think I am so tough, struggling by, but it really doesn't feel like that and hasn't for years.
I agree about legal advice though, OP. Make sure you are well informed and well advised.

Thanks so much for all the replies, it has given me a lot to think about.

With regards to whether he is the main carer, I guess he currently is for our eldest 22mo as I am literally feeding and caring for 11wk old all day. She is a Velcro baby. So yes he takes DD1 out for an activity every day, makes her meals, does bath and bed etc. I'm trying to get some time back with her bit by bit. I don't think he would go for primary residence though although he would love to see them most days at my house I expect. Thankfully I don't think he would want to take them away from their mum.
I'm going to bide my time as I want things to be as amicable as possible and I need to get a few things in place first such as DD1 starting part time nursery in Feb.
I am going to re read all the replies now and make notes.