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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today I don´t know where I will find the strenght.

15 replies

icanttakeitanymore · 05/12/2015 06:36

Someone told me last night that most people are not as good as they would want you to believe.

So am I good person?

The honest answer is today I just don´t know.

Does a good person feel the way I feel? do they crave the things I crave? Do they fear they things I fear? Do they do the things I do?

Is it an act of a good person to be frightened - no terrified would be more appropriate of being ill? Does that make me a good person? You see if I am well I can work, I can hold the tattered threads of our life together - does that make me a good person? Being well means I can push myself out of bed each day a little more tired than the day before, I can go to bed more exhausted than yesterday.

Does not knowing how to ask for help, praying that someone notices I am drowning, desperately hoping that someone, anyone, cares enough about me to see my struggle, my desperation, my anger, my isolation, or even just to see me. Does that make me a good person or a stupid one? Am I a good person because, I solider on day by day, step by step getting weaker but never having the courage to scream I can´t go on like this? Or am I just stupid, If anyone ever reads this could they please tell me???

I am so lonely, I don´t know if I even have the words to express it. I feel so lonely that I can only describe it as feeling invisible -`unseen, like a shadow in a world full of colour and light. I have no support, I have no one, I have me and what little strength I can summon to make it through the day.

I crave someone to hold me, to tell me its going to be alright, to loan me just for a few seconds their shelter and strength. That can not make me a good person, but does it make me a bad person? I crave love, which I something I can not imagine ever feeling again.

I try everyday to control as much of our life as I can, because, if I can manage that maybe DH will have a good day today, maybe I will get a glimpse of my real life the one that was stole from me, Maybe if DH has a good day today I will not have to live the shadow life of a wife to someone with mental health problems.

I live with a rollercoaster in my house, one that is unpredictable and may mean that today I am frightened of my house being destroyed or smashed to bits, or may mean that today I live in fear of violence, of hatred, of being blamed for everything, Today maybe the rollercoaster will mean I am on suicide watch, or maybe I will be living with a different stranger today one that I can´t recognise of reconcile with the man I Love, I miss HIM. Please can I have him back just for a day or two just to remind me what I am fighting for because I am not sure I can remember anymore.

How can you love a stranger? How, can you miss someone that is standing in front of you? How can you grieve for person that is still alive? How long do I have to live in this hell, I´ve been here for years please haven´t I done enough?

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 05/12/2015 06:55

Oh sweetheart you sound so low. Do you think you could manage to go to the doctors? It sounds like your dh is dragging you down. Is he getting help?

Original poster
icanttakeitanymore · 05/12/2015 07:04

He is getting help in the sense of tablets (1 anti-psychotic, 1 tranquiliser, 1 antidepressant, and 1 mood leveller) all of which are taken at multiple times during the day and all of which I manage. I have begged the doctors before to consider sectioning him but that was when he was badly suicidal and I was having to sleep sitting upright in the chair so I would wake up if he did anything stupid.

The thing is I am no depressed, I am just don´t know if I have the will to keep going. I mean we at least 4 years in now probably closer to 7, and I don´t think anything will ever change.

I don´t know if I can live like this forever.

OP posts:
YouLostMeThere · 05/12/2015 07:04

It sounds like life is really tough for you ate the moment. Flowers
have you got anyone in real life you can talk to or lean on?

Original poster
icanttakeitanymore · 05/12/2015 07:09

No one - I begged my parents for help but they don´t believe in mental illness (not sure if it is a generation thing, or just ignorance on their part) I told my mum I get to the end of most days and I have a choice between eating and sleeping. Normally sleeping wins. Her answer was that they don´t have the time to cook for me as well.

Maybe my bil (he may understand a little more) but he has just come out of the military and I don´t want to bother them they don´t even live in the same country.

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 05/12/2015 07:27

Are you in the UK? It sounds ridiculous that you can't get and help or support. I'm sure your bil would try to help, you say you don't want to bother them, but I would be upset if you felt you couldn't ask me for help if I was your bil. You must get help from someone before you have a breakdown.

ALaughAMinute · 05/12/2015 07:33

So your husband is mentally ill and has changed beyond recognition and you don't think you can cope?

If you are living in fear that your husband might smash the house up or become violent then you have to get out. You don't have to live like this. Don't make excuses for his mental illness. If he wants to commit suicide that's up to him. You can't save him.

Please phone Woman Aid and get some help. Flowers

frustratedashell · 05/12/2015 07:37

Agree with laugh

Ledkr · 05/12/2015 07:44

Yea I do too OP.
Get out while u still can. Yiu can still support him from afar if appropriate but yiur life does have equal importance to his you know.

Blarblarblar · 05/12/2015 07:57

Is your partner ex service aswell as your BIL?

Allgunsblazing · 05/12/2015 08:21

I hear you. You're going through hell. Believe or not I have a friend who's wife suffers with severe mental illness. I have known him for over 10 years. He has tried, this poor man, has tried so so hard to do the right thing. He's fiercely protective of her, still. We've been telling him for years to get out. He's doing it now. He's reached rock bottom himself. He feels responsible for her and yet he's learnt there's nothing he can do to help her. He has to be cruel to be kind, he told me, I could see him tearing up in front of my eyes.

You're not alone. You're drowning, but there is help out there. Please call women's aid.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 09:18

He isn't going to change. You can't save him. He will be like this whether you are there or not. LEAVE.

HPsauciness · 05/12/2015 09:42

I agree with Ilive, you can't save him in this situation and the best thing to do would be row to shore and get your own life-jacket on - by which I mean you remove yourself from being with him. It is not acceptable to be hurt and terrorised in your own home, whatever the reason. He will still have support services around him. You are now sacrificing your life for no reason, it hasn't worked, he's not better- please now get some help for yourself to live a calm and normal life (Women's Aid, go to see GP and ask for help, counsellor to listen to you).

Blarblarblar · 05/12/2015 09:52

Maybe with you not around to support him the services might be forced to act and give him the support he really needs.

frustratedashell · 06/12/2015 10:54

How are you today OP ?

LuluJakey1 · 06/12/2015 20:21

Leave him. These are his problems and he will have to live with them for his whole life- however long that is.

Please don't make them yours and do the same. It will destroy you.

Leave him and move away.

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