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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I am going to leave the family home

36 replies

Wryip11 · 04/12/2015 18:57

so what do I need to think about? Housing for me is an obvious issue as I am happy for dh and dcs to stay in family home. My job finshes in 6 weeks so I will not only be homeless but unemployed too.
How hard will it be for the dcs (young teenagers) to come to terms with, should I still see them or make a clean break? That is my hardest thing - what it will do to them but I have to go now before anything worse happens Sad

OP posts:
sakura · 08/12/2015 09:47

Each time you end up in hospital weakens your position in relation to the kids and strengthens his
So you must do all that you can to stay out of hospital. Leaving him is the best way you can achieve this

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 11:14

"if social services and other professionals have decided that your H is perfect, despite his abusive ways, then there's really not much you can do to change that"

They probably don't know about his abusive ways, if the OP hasn't reported them. She could try reporting them, for a start.

As I said before, Women's Aid are best placed to advise - especially as the situation seems to be quite complex.

sakura · 08/12/2015 17:07

It's quite complex though, AnotherEmma.
If reporting an abusive husband was all it took, plenty of women wouldn't be living in misery. I suspect this husband would be in a position to convince decision makers that the violence is all in her head, exaggerated etc

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 17:18

sakura, you're not helping. I'm not saying that reporting him will magically fix everything, but it could help - and it's wrong to say it won't do any good at all. Social services, police etc have experience of dealing with abusers, and they may understand that her mental illness is at least in part due to his abuse. In any case, my advice was to call Women's Aid, as I think they are best placed to advise in a complex case like this - not you or me.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 17:23

sakura And I actually think that most victims of abusive relationships "live in misery" because they don't recognise the abuse, they're too afraid to report it, and they don't have the confidence or resources to leave - not because they report abuse and aren't believed by "decision makers". Some people might not be believed but many others will.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/12/2015 17:27

Wow - this must be very hard.
Please never assume you are not worthy of help from anyone.
If it's bad enough that you are willing to leave your kids then it IS bad enough - full stop.
CAB, GP, and take it from there.
You've had some good advice above.
I'm assuming this is an emotionally abusive relationship so Womens Aid can help you. They can also sign you up to do their Freedom Programme which will help you enormously.
If you want to let us know what has been going on, we are hear to listen.
Good luck.

sakura · 08/12/2015 19:27

AnotherEmma, I've been there.
"Not having the resources to leave" is absolutely one of the reasons women stay.
But the #1 main reason is repercussions from the man. A man who already has others convinced his wife is mad is not a man to be messed with when children are involved

flippinada · 08/12/2015 19:42

Have you posted before OP? Some of this sounds familiar. Please don't think I'm having a pop here, just wondering.

It's clear that things can't go on as they are and it sounds like you are really in need of help, right now.

Please, please, please get in touch with Women's Aid. If you need someone to say this is definitely serious enough then I'm saying it. I'm sure others will to

And echo pp, please don't walk out on your children.

Keep on posting here for support.

flippinada · 08/12/2015 19:49

Can I just say that it's possible OP believed professionals (whoever they might be) believe her husband to be wonderful/perfect etc but that actually isn't the case.

Please don't take this the wrong way - it's no comment on OP but I know some abusers are very good at messing with your thinking to the point where you think everyone will automatically believe them over you/prefer them to you.

If your mental health is badly affected then that too might lead to disordered thinking.

Again this is not meant to be a negative comment - I have suffered severe MHI myself and now I'm 'better' can recognise points at which my thinking was disordered.

OP, please keep talking.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 19:54

sakura
"A man who already has others convinced his wife is mad is not a man to be messed with when children are involved"
What are you suggesting, then? Because last we heard, OP was planning to leave her children with their abusive father. So I think we need to make constructive suggestions that could help them all (the OP and children) rather than add to her fears.

flippinada · 08/12/2015 19:57

OP, if you're in the UK, contact details for Women's Aid:

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

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