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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend married to my abuser

54 replies

MrsToddsShortcut · 04/12/2015 17:33

I've struggled with a situation for some years now and I just need a reality check/kick up the arse/advice. Also sorry as long!

I spent years in a very violent relationship from Uni to my late twenties. I was completely messed up by it all (unsurprisingly) and had no idea I was in an abusive relationship until it was far too late. I will call him A

Eventually I left after he seriously injured me. Because my boundaries were so blurry, we stayed in touch via our Uni friendship group, although I eventually lost touch with them when I finally told them the truth (some stayed friends some didn't).

Fast forward 6 years and one of my closest friends from Uni (I will call her B) admitted that she was now in a relationship with A. I couldn't cope with it at all and our friendship ended. I was, however, still in touch with her sister (who I will call C) and her husband, (who I will call D) who I had been friends with for years. She wasn't overly happy about A & B but supported her as they were sisters.

It all came to a head a couple of years ago when C developed terminal cancer. All her old friends came back together to support her, and as a result I was thrown back together with A & B (now her DH). Just before she died, C asked me to promise that I would "watch B's back"; that she didn't trust A and wanted to make sure that, in her words, "someone who knows what he is capable of" kept an eye out for B. Admittedly she was at end-stage by that point and I don't know if she would have asked me if she hadn't been heavily dosed up, bless her.

In the intervening years, meantime, I got involved in a second abusive relationship (now divorced thank-god) and had years of psychotherapy.

I am now in a hideous situation of being back in touch with A & B as well as still good friends friends with D, (they live locally) and emeshed in a friendship group where I have to pretend that I think A is a lovely chap! D is very fond of, and loyal to B but through circumstance is also now very close to A and won't speak out against him (they all have children and babysit for eachother, go on holiday etc). I constantly get group e-mails and texts from them all and I'm finding myself getting more and more uncomfortable having to go along with the accepted 'narrative' that A really has changed, is a lovely guy and is one of my friends. (from what I can see and from the way he treats B, he hasn't actually changed at all - nothing obviously violent, but lots of EA)

I feel like I've let my boundaries get too blurry, I am so angry at myself for not having the guts to tell them all to get lost, (truthfully, I don't have that many friends). I also worry about B and her kids but am not sure if I am the right person to help them as it's affecting me in a really negative way. I hate the fact that me and A are now FB 'friends' (because it looks like either I lied in the first place or minimised the abuse). I did try defriending him a while back but kept getting calls asking why he's fallen off my friends list!

Arrrgh! I can't believe I've got myself into this utter mess. My fear is that if I walk away, then I will lose D who I am quite close to and like a lot as a friend. B keeps telling me that I am one of her best friends and how much she loves me. It's very confusing, but I am beginning to feel as though A & B are using my friendship in different ways, to validate A's image as Mr Nice Guy and B to convince herself that that everythings fine and she's not really married to an abuser.

Extremely well done if you've got this far, sorry it was so long and potentially confusing, but...

Do I just walk away from the whole thing and accept that I will lose them all but will retain some semblance of personal dignity and agency over my life, knowing that A is an abusive twat? Is it okay to break my promise to C? (I feel like it is but still feel guilty)

Please lovely vipers, give me a kick up the backside becuase this whole situation is making me feel horrible! Sad Confused Blush

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/12/2015 20:02

3 sugar, B has to find out for herself. There is nothing op can do about it, even if she hasn't been chewed up by A's abuse. She is the last person who should be 'protecting' B (not that anybody can tbf)

CalleighDoodle · 04/12/2015 20:03

Block A and B from fb. He will use her fb to watch you. Tighten up your security so your friends list isnt available and that friends of feiends definitely can't see anything.

Walk away from them. Go out and Enjoy a new hobby. Youll meet like-minded people.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:08

3sugarsplease
"I feel that you do have a responsibility to protect B from the abuse."
This is complete bollocks. The OP has no responsibility whatsoever for anyone apart from herself and her children. Her main responsibility in this situation is to protect HERSELF from further abuse from A. Even if she wanted to protect B, she isn't able to do so. Only B can protect herself, she will firstly have to realise and accept that it's abuse. But the OP owes her NOTHING. They used to be friends, but B didn't listen to the OP when A had physically abused her - why would she listen now?!

3sugarsplease · 04/12/2015 20:13

Springy and Emma my sister is in the same situation that C sadly was. I just know that if my sister ever asks me to do something I will. We don't all have to agree. It's my opinion and what I would do.

somepeopledontknowthat · 04/12/2015 20:14

I would do as MrsLupo suggests and explain the situation to D but if he chooses the man who was very violent to you and seriously injured you over you then he's not really a friend, is he?

Very sorry to hear about the bereavement but none of these people are your real friend if they expect you to just let something like that go.

MrsToddsShortcut · 04/12/2015 20:15

Is it possible to hide your friends list? If I could block them and there be no way of them (or realistically him) checking, that would be okay. It's so stupid, even though I know it's the right thing but I'm just worried about the ramifications - I absolutely hate conflict.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 04/12/2015 20:16

Don't bother telling them why. It won't get you anywhere.

Walk away or stay and accept you are being used. There's no happy medium.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:17

3sugarsplease Just because you would do what your sister asked you (and let me remind you that C is not the OP's sister!) it does NOT give you the right to tell anyone else what they should do and what their "responsibilities" are. I wonder if you have ever encountered abuse?! If you had you might have some justification for advising the OP what to do. But I suspect you don't. There's no way you'd pressure her like this, otherwise.

somepeopledontknowthat · 04/12/2015 20:17

I would delete them all and cut contact.

He's making you his victim all over again and they're ok with that.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2015 20:18

B presumably walked into the relationship knowing what the OP has gone through.

When she is ready to leave, she can turn to the OP for advice. Other than that, the OP owes her nothing.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:20

"Is it possible to hide your friends list? If I could block them and there be no way of them (or realistically him) checking, that would be okay. "

Yes. If you block someone, they can't see your friends list. They can't even find you on Facebook if they search for you. It's as if you disappeared from Facebook.

3sugarsplease · 04/12/2015 20:24

Emma please don't suspect a thing. Have I encountered abuse. Yes I have.

I have my opinion. I think she has a responsibility to protect her. That's my opinion.

Yes I know OP wasn't c's sister. Sometimes blood doesn't defy a strong relationship with someone.

Again this is my opinion. Apparently we are not allowed these on MN anymore. Too many keyboard warriors.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:24

You should also check your privacy settings and make sure that your profile, photos, posts etc are visible to friends only, and not public.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:24

3sugarsplease well since you have encountered it you should know better Smile

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 20:25

I'm so sorry 3sugars Flowers

'Domestic abuse', as it's sometimes called, is complex. Normal rules don't apply. Eg victims are generally blind to what is going on, 'under a spell', and there is very little anyone can do. It's very like an addiction eg no-one could save, or protect, an alcoholic (though many try, to their great cost: addictions are much more powerful that good will). It is the very same with an abusive dynamic, the victim has to find out for themselves, sadly. Short of kidnapping someone and holding them prisoner with a debriefer for a month, there is very little anyone can do.

It really is a shocking situation op. Only an abuser could come up with something so fucked up. Abusers really are ceaseless black holes.

Snowglobe18 · 04/12/2015 20:27

I have not RTFT, but my instinct is yes, walk away.

3sugarsplease · 04/12/2015 20:28

Emma - clearly you're either stupid or cold hearted about what I stated earlier about my own sister currently being in the situation that C sadly was.

Don't give me bullshit about knowing better.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 20:29
Hmm
Hawest1 · 04/12/2015 20:35

U shouldn't make urself feel crappy because of a promise, I'm sure C would understand that u can't cope, & I'm sure if it did all go wrong u would be there for B, regardless of u walk away now or not, which is keeping ur promise to C aswell,

candykane25 · 04/12/2015 20:44

3sugars, very sorry you are going through this with your own sister. Watching someone go through the terminal cancer diagnosis and illness is torture. I think the OP can relate to your loyalty which is why she has hung in so long.
Something has to change now for the OP, the current situation is intolerable.
OP, if I had asked someone to make a promise to me, but then realised that promise was harming them, I would want them to stop keeping the promise.
Block A and B. It's up to your judgement whether to explain to D or not. Ask people to respect your choices if they complain. You can and will make new friends. Best of luck.

anotherbloomingusername · 04/12/2015 20:45

OP, you definitely can make your friends list secure so that others can't see it.

I also have another way to evade people who I don't want to see my posts but who will kick off if I de-friend them.

You can create different lists within your friends to decide who is able to see what you post on facebook. I would create one that doesn't include any of that particular friendship group, so that they just don't see your posts anymore. Then just slowly stop returning calls and drift away.

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 20:46

Emma! Have a heart, for goodness sake.

MrsToddsShortcut · 04/12/2015 20:47

3Sugars I'm so sorry about your sister -it's absolutely horrible and I do understand some of what you are going through Flowers.

I can't stay and help her. If I stay in this situation, I'll get more and more drawn in and feel more and more dirty/stupid/ashamed/guilty (if that makes sense). Also, there is still a tiny part of me that is angry at her for choosing him knowing what he did to me (pushed me down the stairs, kicked me in the head, to name just a few gems. I now have a permanant back injury).

But, I know from first hand experience how utterly dazzling he can be. If he did a full on love bomb on her, I can partly understand why she fell so hard. He is (as so many abusers are) incredibly persuasive and charming and I'm sure will have filled her head with all sorts of minimising stories and plausible tales. I know him too well.

I think C just wanted to make sure B was okay without her, but I think you're all right. She wouldn't want me to do it at my own expense.

Gah! Now I have to plan my exit strategy! Thanks so much all of you - you are the best! Ironically I only started to think about all this properly when I started watching Jessica Jones on Netflix. It absolutely nails abusive manipulation and it was only watching it that I started to reflect on A and started to really properly question what the hell I am doing. I deserve better. So does B, but sadly I think she'll have to come to that herself. D I am upset about (although he may surprise me) although the poster up thread who said if he doesn't stay friends with me and 'chooses' them, then he's possibly less of a loss anyway. I feel sorry for him as he's between a rock and a hard place really. I guess you can't help who your family marry!

Thanks again all FlowersFlowersFlowers

OP posts:
3sugarsplease · 04/12/2015 20:51

Mrstodds - I hope you can understand why I wrote what I did and never would I want my opinion of what I think you should do ever put you into harms way. I am sure that C would not want you into any danger at all.

Sorry if my post offended because of course that was not my intention been a very stressful day

Thanks
springydaffs · 04/12/2015 20:55

I'll get more and more drawn in and feel more and more dirty/stupid/ashamed/guilty (if that makes sense)

TOTAL sense!

Well done Flowers

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