How to stop being resentful

[ellbell345]

A couple of years ago a work colleague who I've vaguely know for a few years actively sought me about as a friend, inviting me for coffee and to social events, sharing personal information with me, generally making me feel special. I'm quite shy and introvert and am happy doing my own thing so the 'special' friendship she created was something I hadn't experienced since my 20s. Then after we had spent a few months being good friends she started to back off, didn't want to meet up outside work, stopped confiding information etc. As far as I'm aware I never did anything to offend her, apart possibly from challenging her when she decided we weren't friends anymore

My problem is i still see her at work and sometimes i really resent her for sucking me into what i thought was a good friendship and then dropping me when it suited her. Although I try to remain calm and pleasant to her, i find myself getting defensive and easily annoyed with her. I've tried to have a clearing the air conversation but she won't engage in it. I need some calming, 'zen' advice on how to just let this go and move on gracefully.

What a horrible way for her to behave but you do need to put this behind you now, keep your dignity, stay nice and eventually it will stop bothering you, in fact I'd have thought it would have by now.

I'd have thought it would have by now?? How is that going to help exactly!

The fact is it still hurts now bcs, well, it just does. There no script for how long pain lasts.

It may help to recognise your resentment is bcs you are very hurt. You may not have allowed yourself the space to be hurt about it, may have told yourself not to bother to be hurt, told yourself some brave words - basically put a lid on it - which drove the hurt underground and now it's leaking out in resentment and bitterness. So far, so understandable. This is how hurt goes if it isn't given the space to recover.

The fact is she wasn't worth your time but she looked like the real deal at one point - turns out she wasn't. Now she won't even let you talk about it! Sounds like she's as deep as a puddle.

She jerked you around and that HURTS. Let yourself be hurt - don't let her see (she's not worth it) - but cherish yourself, cosset yourself, be compassionate and kind to yourself, to saturate yourself with the real stuff so you get the space to heal.

Here's the thing: getting really hurt gives us the chance to love ourselves a bit more, to find out more about ourselves, to give ourselves what we need and deserve. Sounds obvious, maybe cheesy, but we're not generally very good at loving ourselves as a rule. The real deal I mean.

Thanks Springy that's really helpful advice.