Any advice on how to deal with breaking up with someone when you are both still in love?

[KellyElly]

After one broken marriage to a nice man who was just not right for me, we were way too young, and a horribly EA relationship that left me broken and a single parent I finally met an amazing man. So caring, kind, respectful, gentle and absolutely beautiful to top it off. He is Spanish and I have been friends with him since we met at work in 2012 and together for a year since he came back from Spain. We planned a life together but looking back I suppose it was always going to be difficult, but I guess you put those practicalities aside when you are so in love.

He has to go back home. He has a family business over there which will be his to take over in a few years and a property, so his life is there. His dad has been suffereing with some ill health and needs him there to help out in the business and start learning the ropes in order to take over possibly earlier than planned. His heart is also there. He wouldn't want to live here for years, it's not an option. He's always said he only wanted to stay here for a couple of years max.

I have a six year old in school here and her father will drag me through the courts even if further down the line I wanted to move to Spain, which to be honest I'm not sure I do. I guess as much as his place is there, mine is here. I wouldn't be able to learn the language to the standard I would need to do the kind of job I do here and also, it's a massive leap of faith to uproot my child from her life here and her school and her family and friends.

He is going back for Xmas and then coming back on 30th until the 4th January and we have discussed a long distance relationship, but we both feel that would only work if there's some kind of end in sight. I think I would try, but that's because I'm hurting so much at the thought of losing him that it's better than nothing, but know in my head it would only be prolonging the enevitable. We are trying to enjoy the time we have left but it's just so hard to live in the moment and make the most of the time when you know what is going to happen.

I know we'll stay friends and keep in touch, but the thought of saying goodbye and that being the end is killing me as we are still in love and nothing has happened, noone has done anything wrong, feelings haven't changed, it's just circumstances, and I don't know how to get over this. I don't know if we should cut contact for a while when he goes back or try to switch to being friends. I have no idea how to handle this or to get over the pain at all.

Thanks twink. I know so many words and understand a lot but don't seem to be able to string a sentence together. Perhaps full immersion is the way forward. The reason I was worried is that DP had had English lessons and lived here for two years and in New York for two months and is great conversationally but struggles for his job as an electrician as I imagine I would in business Spanish. I'm taking him as an example and he's tried hard with English!

If the court case would be cut and dried then do most of the donkey work yourself. See a barrister if need be at the beginning and middle for advice ('counsel') to check you're on the right track, then motor through it yourself.

Agree you need some kind of enduring commitment before you take the step. You need to find out where he (and you!) are at re the future.

Tbh dd has been through so much she could do with a sunny lifestyle and a happy, relaxed, loved-up mum.

I don't think the language would be much of a problem - certainly not for dd, she'd get it in a flash.

You may also have a career change in Spain.

OP I really sympathise.

I was in a ldr with someone for 7 months recently (different European country). We both have DC but we tried to make it work. Cheap flights & lots of Skyping.

Over the summer we broke up as his financial circumstances changed and he could no longer afford the flights.

I couldn't go to his country to live at the moment, even though if I had no DC I would have gone no question. But my DS has just started secondary and he sees his DF every week. I couldn't take him away from that. And exDP couldn't come and live here, unless he chose not to have a relationship with his DC.

We haven't spoken since we broke up. His choice, not mine, but maybe it's made it easier. I miss him terribly.

I'd advise against any "last" anythings. The last words I said to exDP in person were "I love you, see you in two weeks". And we never did, but in some ways I'd rather it ended like that than some long drawn out goodbye.

naceschools.com/international-schools-nace-schools/international-schools-in-spain/

Of course, I don't know where you would be. Maybe these aren't right. But you need to research the school thing well.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied. We've decided to try to make it work. Step by step. Firstly as a long distance relationship, but with us visiting Spain for the school holidays to see how DD takes to it and then if it's working for everyone then looking towards a future together out there further down the line

Wow! I've just read the whole thread, and I'm thrilled to read your post at the end Kelly. Great news!

Thank you chocolateorange

When I was 18 I finished with a man who I was still in love with and who had done nothing wrong as I was moving away to university. We remained friends for 14 years, both had children with other people but earlier this year got back together. We're now living together and planning our wedding If it's meant to happen then it will, whatever the timescale.

Hi KellyElly. I've been learning Spanish for a while and found that, learning in England gave me some understanding of words and grammar, but like you, I couldn't string a sentence together. I then went to Spain and did an Immersion course for 1.5 months. At first it was embarrassing and hard, but it was SO worth it! I can have conversations now! And I know that if I did another immersion course, or lived in Spain, I could be fluent enough to work - and my profession relies on talking/listening.
Second thing is - I have daydreamed a lot about moving to Spain and have found that although I doubt i'd be able to work in my profession until I was fully fluent, I could work in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). The route to doing so seems easy enough. If you want to talk to people about it, i'd recommend going on Reddit and there are sub forums on TEFL, and emigrating (think it's called I want out). There is also a TEFL sub forum on here but think it's a lot quieter.

Good luck :)

That's amazing scrambledegg! That just shows if it's meant to be it will be

I have thought about that msrisotto. I have thought English not through TEFL, but the Callan method before and am an English graduate so would
get to grips with the course pretty easily I think.

*taught

Re the court battle over dd - I've just done it.

Moved to another country with 3 dc to take up a fantastic job offer (& good education for the kids).

Their dad was NOT happy about it - he still isn't.

The court process took into account their wishes & feelings, & how realistic & desirable my plans were, versus the fact that they now inevitably see less of their dad.

In a couple of years, if your relationship is still going well, you had a job offer in Spain & dd was keen, it's extremely likely that a court case would go your way, tbh.

I certainly wouldn't rule out making some tentative long term plans.

We've decided to try to make it work. Step by step

Kelly, I am delighted to read your update. At least now your heart isn't breaking because you have a plan and hope for the future. You'll be able to enjoy your New Year meet-up now for what it is - two people in love enjoying time together (rather than saying a final goodbye).

1. Get your passports sorted (I don't think you will need a letter from your ex to take DD out of the country for a holiday because he doesn't appear to have RP - but someone will correct me if I am wrong.)

1. Start your holiday fund as soon as your DP leaves in January and put any money that you would have spent on going out (or staying in with a bottle of wine and take-way) into that account to pay for your flights and treats in Spain.

1. Remember that a LDR works 2-ways. Your DP should do a weekend visit to you in between holiday-time visits to Spain. You BOTH have to be equally committed to making a LDR work.

1. Continue to learn Spanish FREE ONLINE LESSONS AND GROUPS HERE - BBC

1. Research the options for Spanish schools for DD - looking at 18-24 months down the line. Don't re-locate at the END of primary school - give her a year or two to settle in a Spanish primary setting before she has to transition to Secondary education because that transition is always unsettling even if it happens within her birth culture/environment.

1. Research your job opportunities. Teaching English is clearly and option as you are an English graduate. What additional qualifications would you need in Spain? You could offer private tutoring even if you can't teach in a school at first but you would have to be able to converse in Spanish.

1. Keep this thread going in case you need further support as you move into your LDR. (It helps MNetters understand the background) There are some very wise MNetters who will be able to understand your emotions, and others who will have practical advice.

Good luck to you, DD and DP and the next part of your journey

If DD only sees her Dad every couple of months then that is perfectly feasible from Spain. Also, it's tougher on kids as they grow older, your DD is young now and can be flexible.

I'd say your biggest consideration is - will your relationship be strong enough? It's really tough being away from your own country, being the 'outsider', being far from your own family, friends and culture. Can you create a life there outside of your relationship too? Otherwise you will depend too much on him. Will he adjust to DD and her to him? Are your views on parenting similar? Are you views about the future similar?

Maybe have some time out to think. Keep up long distance but know that this will make you miss him like mad and be thinking with your heart and not your head. Maybe give it a year or so and then decide if it really is worth it?

Kelly re court case, I'm currently planning on moving abroad with my 3 DC and due to the really high costs I'm self representing in court for my leave to remove application; just using a solicitor for an initial appointment and a couple of quick calls for guidance in between hearings. Still mid process but wanted to reassure you that with a lot of research/some initial guidance it's totally possible to do it yourself. The fact that your XH only sees your little one every couple of months would really work in your favour as you would be able to propose a workable contact schedule to the judge which allows the sale level of contact as he currently has.

Thanks for your message sadwidow. I definately agree re him coming here too. The plan is for him to visit during some of the Spanish bank holidays and we do the longer hols there.

bananas The plan is to talk about things in a year or so after doing things long distance. DD is pretty close to him already as she knew him before we became a couple, so no worries on that front. I agree about not being dependent on him if I move there. I would really like to spend some normal time in Spain this year too i.e. while he's at work in the day, not just holidays, so we can get a feel for the place and know our way around and practice our Spanish etc. Holidays are so different than real life, so I think that kind of time spent there is important too.

nomore That's what I would do too I think for financial reasons. To be honest I would rather approach it by setting out a schedule of visits, skype times etc rather than going to court and get him to agree. I have no idea whether he will do this, but hopefully he would see it was a waste of time him going to court if I was offering him what the court would anyway.