Predictability

[jinglebellrock]

A lot of you will probably think I don't have anything to worry about. I know that some of you have an awful lot to put up with compared to me. ATM I feel really cheesed off with my marriage - basically I am bored. I have been married for over 20 years, 2 kids who - 1 10 and 1 15. I am starting to think is this all there is. DH is a good man, works hard but when he is at home does lots of diy and anything else he can to help. Nearly always brings me tea in bed etc etc. We get on OK but all the chat is about the kids, or the house or arrangements for things .. it's so predictable and uninspiring. I must say, I find it really hard to open up on deep things and that's probably why the whole thing has been festering a while. He would probably like to cuddle more but I'm finding it a bit of an effort to summon up any enthusiasm. What I'm asking, I suppose, is does it have to be like this. Some people might say we need to go out more without the kids but, even when we do, we tend to end up talking about them. I know I would be a fool to throw it all away but I'm beginning to think about my eldest going to uni and it really fills me with dread, cos she's such good company. How can I improve things with DH.

Can you go out and NOT talk about anything, e.g. do a sport or hobby together that involves having new experiences you can discuss later? It might hlep if you're in a group activity so others can be involved.

you are out of practice! anemone's advice is great; and howabout thinking of one subject every day that you are going to talk to him about that doens't involve the kids? what did you do before you had kids? any inspiration there?

Hmmm, JBR, this sounds so normal, I'm sure you'll be able to get things feeling good with your DH. Are you sure that the problem is your relationship with DH and not just a 'life' predictability in general? I'm no counsellor, but you seem to have lots of nice things to say about your DH, which suggests that you are very fond of each other and that you'd both like to be having a good relationship with the other.

Perhaps the reason why you're feeling that conversation isn't great between you is because not enough is happening in your lives apart from your kids? It sounds as though you might benefit from taking up a hobby together? Slightly cheesy advice, I know, but maybe doing something new that was an exclusive thing, and didn't involve the rest of your family, might give you a 'private world' and an interest together and that might give you guys a boost. These 'meals out' that everyone always recommends can be a bit pressured and can make things worse...

He sounds really nice, but I can understand you're worrying about the future. Sounds like a rut, rather than a problem, though. (Don't want to sound like I'm trivialising it - I'm not.)

There are some brilliant ideas here - thanks guys - it's made me feel more optimistic about the future. It may well be because our whole life is in a rut. We spend time ferrying the kids around or doing stuff with or for them plus DIY. By the time that's all done, we're shattered and plonk down in front of the TV. I'm determined to make some changes and make life more interesting.

It does sound like you have a built a life together which revolves entirely around your children. Nothing wrong with that at all, but it sounds like you've forgotten along the way that you two deserve some time/space together.

Why don't you try and fix a weekend away somewhere? We try and do this every year, and it really does help to 're-engage' with each other. Inevitably we talk about the children, but it's also about time to have a shared experience - something you can look back on/talk about together in the future as well.

(And it does wonders for your sex life as well)

I would also say, as you're looking ahead to the day when dc leave home, that you probably need to spend some time on yourself - your own hobby/interest, so that you have something to talk about with dh that isn't about children (or mumsnet!) - and will stop making life so predictable. Do something frightening or challenging - whatever that might be - but something that helps to get you out of the daily routine.

good luck!

What about ballroom dancing class, my mum and step dad used to go and loved it?

Could you live without the telly? I know for some people that's a complete no-no but not having TV does encourage conversation and also encourages slightly earlier nights...

We've never had one and it isn't a problem but I realise that isn't for everybody. (Maybe it could go to the 'repair shop' for a couple of weeks as a trial?!)

Great idea, Speccie.

We just got rid of our T.V. - great big thing lurking in the front room, taking up a whole corner - and now we chat loads about all sorts. And watch so much less T.V. (we've got a wee portable upstairs still).

It could be a start for you anyway, Jinglebellrock.

We don't actually watch that much TV -max an hour and not every night. Elder DD doesn't go to bed particularly early now and we do sometimes watch stuff with her. If we aren't watching TV we do sometimes talk (usually the sort of things I mentioned before) or we'll read.

We did actually have a night away a couple of months ago. It was fine but he was not feeling that great and I was worried about DD who was on a school trip!

I do quite like the idea of taking up something together and had fleetingly thought about ballroom dancing (we're big strictly fans). I'll have to try and locate somewhere where everyone's not in their seventies!