DDs dad and I have been split for about 8 years - and we've had 50:50 care since then - she's now 15.
Ex has always been close to his parents and wider family, and prefers socialising with them than anyone else, despite them being about two hours or more travelling time away. Weekends and school holidays that DD spends with him invariably involve him/DD spending time with them, either at their home or on joint/shared holidays - often leaving literally straight from the school gate on a Friday evening and returning the night before school restarts. He's also close to other family members with regular visits and Skype calls.
As DD has got older, shes become less happy with this; missing out on time with friends, and not getting any time to just 'chill' at home when she's with him. His family are quite full on - she doesn't get any time to herself when she's with them, as they schedule activities, trips and visits throughout, sit with her in her room, and ask who she's texting and what they're talking about. Even when his parents visit them at home, he tells her that she can't go out and see friends and she is expected to join in everything that is done - even though they see each other every few weeks.
He told her on the phone yesterday that when this term ends they would be leaving for a weekend visit to one set of relatives straight from school, then back for a couple of days before going off again for a week to his parents for Xmas (ex and I alternate who she spends Xmas with). They get back on NYE, when she comes to us.
This is the latest in a string of incidents, and shes finally had enough, and told him that she won't be going on the weekend trip straight after school ends. She was willing to call the relatives and let them know herself. His response is to not only blame her for the disappointment that will be experienced by the relatives who are expecting to see her, but also deduct the cost of the hotel room and travel tickets that he's already booked from her allowance. His position is that as she's only 15, he can make plans for her to see family, without discussing it with her first, and that she should do as he says. By refusing, he thinks that she should suffer the consequences, which includes the money being repaid by her.
Her position is that she is old enough to have her POV considered, and old enough to be trusted to consider all the factors before deciding whether to go or not.
I've mainly tried to stay out of the way he chooses to parent her in the past, but in this case, I'm fully supportive of her, and have been incredibly impressed with the way she has dealt with this so far. He said some hurtful things by text to her about how she was disappointing him and upsetting her family, but she had predicted how he would react and was able to stay calm and reasonable. But she's already aware that this is having an impact on her (she hardly slept last night after the conversations with her dad last night and she is worried about how she'll perform in a test today).
I'm worried that her Dad is pushing her away and their relationship will suffer. Thing is, I know he's not being malicious or deliberate. He's a totally devoted Dad, just a bit clueless. He is singleminded when it comes to his family and very judgemental of people who don't have the same close relationship.