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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Making a little boy happier

13 replies

langnomore · 01/12/2015 14:19

Wasn't sure to put this in parenting but felt it was about "relationships" so put it over here.

My little boy has just started secondary school and has been through a bad couple of years, with his Dad leaving (completely gone) and subsequently moving house, school and a lot of change.

He also has ASD and I know the other kids in school aren't very nice to him and he gets picked on and left out.

I was wondering if anyone had any tips, ideas or things that I could do to make it better for him. Not so simple at this age as it used to be when I could befriend Mums and things like that and the kids of this age are so mean and so cliquey that he just gets left out.

Was hoping for some suggestions to just try and make his life a little happier / easier and also idea of how to build a little one's self esteem as his is really so low from all of this.

He doesn't want therapy. I just wondered about practical ideas and ways to help little ones meet and befriend other kids or anything I could do to help him find a friend or two in school

OP posts:

Buttercup443 · 01/12/2015 14:25

Sorry to hear your ds is being left out, kids that age can be so mean. I was bullied badly at the start of secondary school and I'd let his teachers know what is going on and how it is affecting him.

Could you sign him up to Brownies or Martial arts classes? I used to do shot ok an karate and they focus on being mindful, meditation and breathing techniques as well as self defence. Also gentle on joints and really good bunch of people there. Lots of male role models who he can learn from and take tips from. Sense means teacher and the inherent values and hierarchical respect will give him structure and safety.

SavoyCabbage · 01/12/2015 14:25

I would actively pursue all sorts if different events.

My friend has a thirteen year old boy who is really individual. In January she decided that this was going to be the year she threw herself into helping him out. Helping him to be happier I suppose.

She was just telling me this morning she had gone to a Dr Who convention with him and he had met lots of like minded souls and was emailing another boy be met there. She also has taken hi to comicon this year.

He struggles with his weight so they have started to go got a twenty minute 'power walk' together every morning at 8am before school and work. It's actually made quite a difference.

Buttercup443 · 01/12/2015 14:26

Shotokan Karate sry

Original poster

langnomore · 01/12/2015 14:51

Those are great suggestions. Do you think if he makes friends outside of school at clubs and what not it will be fine? I don't think talking to the teachers helps anymore at this age. I know kids always like him once they get to know him but in a new envirnment it always takes him forever to fit in.

OP posts:

Buttercup443 · 01/12/2015 16:07

Leaving a child out or teasing him is bullying and the teacher's should be made aware of what is going on. I agree it's a difficult age but if the other children exclude him or needs to be more involved in activities at school I'd strongly suggest you have a quiet fireside chat with the teachers.

sweetheart · 01/12/2015 16:10

Great suggestions here. I would also go and speak to the team - secondary schools have pastoral teams which help children with exactly this sort of thing. They may be able to help him gel with some suitable children to make his school life a little easier.

Original poster

langnomore · 01/12/2015 16:38

I have had a chat with them, they say he is well liked. They can't force kids to choose him or pick him. I think he's just a loner!

I just signed him up for a musical theatre thing on a Saturday as he said he'd rather that than martial arts!

OP posts:

Atenco · 01/12/2015 17:56

Lovely suggestions on here and OP you sound like such a lovely mum

Footle · 01/12/2015 18:02

You do sound a lovely mum, OP, but he's not really a "little one" now. I wonder if you may be making his life a bit harder by thinking of him as younger than he is ?

TheTigerIsOut · 01/12/2015 18:18

We were where you are a few years ago. Things that helped:

-Finding him some good male role models. They crave for men's attention at that age. Having the appreciation of his judo teacher, friends' husbands and his beloved school teacher really really helped.

-DS' self confidence flourished when he found a sport he was good at. Being top at that sport made him happy even if he was doing it on his own. With time he got so good that now he is enjoying the company of other children in the class.

Keep an eye open for any people he mentions and what they do, you may get to organise an outing for them if things are relatively friendly.

Have regular catch ups with him. Boys are known not to say much about their day, but if you strap them in the car for a long ride, everything starts to come out.

DS and I have a favourite programme that we watch once a week, it is our night in. So we finish all our tasks early, set Netflix up and even get some special treats for the night. I find it hilarious when DS shows up from school with a bottle of coke and presents it to me as if he had brought a expensive wine bottle for the event

Let him take some responsibility around the house, it also builds their confidence and helps them to understand the amount of work you do. I have to say that I have seen DS being very pleased after putting IKEA furniture together on his own, or every time I ask him to sort my phone, the computer or the TV reception.

There is a book called Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph, you can get some ideas on how to help your child and what he is going through at this time by reading it.

With regards of his dad absence... it is difficult, but when they feel down, asking them "How do you feel?" can give you more opportunities to comfort him than any other thing.

Buttercup443 · 01/12/2015 18:23

Really great, great advice by above poster Tiger.

They are at an age where they separate a bit more from the apron strings and seeing him as a little one may not be his view of himself.

OP you sound like such a lovely, caring mum and I think it's great you are clocked into what is going on in your DS life.

I would second role models, martial arts may not be his thing but what about Brownies, Science Club, building model aeroplanes or Chess etc?

wonderingsoul · 01/12/2015 18:24

I agree with footle.

You do sound lovely and caring but he's not little he's almost a grown adult.

I know he'll be your baby for ever. . My two boys definitely are.. but how you talk about him kind of infantiles him, I'm wondering could it be effecting his confidence some what?

That said.. The drama club sounds amazing and im sure he will find he's own space in the world.

You both sound lovely.

Pippin8 · 01/12/2015 18:32

There is often other kids at school in the same boat. Are there any after school or lunchtime clubs he could join? He may make new friends that way. I each talking to the school, particularly the SENCO or a support mentor.

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