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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't have sex ...

47 replies

Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 12:10

I've started seeing a new man it's all new.
Last night we tried to have sex for the first time and I couldn't I kind of froze.
Il be honest with you in July I had sex with a man with a girlfriend,it was shitty and I regret it,I'm not just saying that ..I actually regret it to a point where I hate myself.
Anyway this guy is the first person I've slept with since( well tried to have sex) I couldn't do it,I fancy this man but I felt dirty and cheap,I can't explain.

In July with this guy we got into bed and I honestly thought we wouldn't have sex,before we got in he said he was happy to cuddle and talk.
I can't remember if I mentioned in my last post but he just changed and said we having sex,your not getting out of this bed till I f*ck you.
We had such a good night open until then just talking etc and I felt close to him.

Now I won't lie I did want him but I did somewhere deep down knew it was wrong so I kept saying we shouldn't etc.
Now I know he was turned on.
I turned over and he started to pull my underwear down ( I did grab them and say look no we shouldn't) I was still a little on my period and thought first time I didn't want him to see me like that)
He kept trying to have sex so I thought just let him because I did want to ( I did I just was having arguments with myself what was right and wrong)and he wasn't going to give up.
His attitude changed and he was angry or maybe that was Him turned on.
So he started having sex.

I did enjoy it once it started but after I felt he had no respect for me.
Since then I've felt dirty.
One because he was a taken man and two because he didn't care for me enough when I said no to listen.
I can't look at myself naked.
I feel like a whore( own fault I know)
But I think I've blown it with this new bloke,I can't explain how I feel to him.
He didn't force me to have sex but wouldn't listen to my wishes.

What's wrong with me?
Seriously why am I so fucked up?

OP posts:
Hopefullyoneday1 · 01/12/2015 21:14

The situation with my ex was.......we would get into bed every night and he thought bed meant sex, God forbid if I actually wanted to sleep!

Many times I would say no, got a headache, your breath smells, my back hurts etc etc but he would still persist grabbing at my underwear, rolling all over me. In the end I would think f**k it lets just get it over and done with. No I didn't want it, but I consented just to shut him up. I personally don't class that as rape.

He was though a sex obsessed pest, I couldn't walk up stairs without him groping, he would insist on sex at the most inconvienient time. In private or public! My god I couldn't take a shower or pee without him there, getting ready to strip off.......this though is a whole new thread that I won't go into here.

I do understand what you mean by feeling dirty, since my sex pest ex I haven't slept with anyone else in over a year. Because he made it un enjoyable. I feel at the moment he has put me off sex for life.

If your guy is a genuine sort he will understand and won't pressurise you. It will happen when your ready x

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:23

Yeah that was Him but I feel I have no genuine reason to be a bit upset as I knew the score i new the gf and baby so did I really think he would be happy to cuddle.

I'm really sorry about your situation
That sounds awful
I hope you start trusting men again
That must of been horrible to go through

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:25

Yeah me and new guy have texted since and he has actually been lovely to me bless him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:27

When we got into bed we did just hug and talk for hours and it was nice then he did kiss me and that's when he became turned on and kind of changed..growling etc
I did know sex would change things that's why I said we shouldn't BUT I'm in bed with a man who knows I'm attracted to him and did invite him over .
Of course he will think she wants me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:29

It's a strange one because I still did trust him and feel safe I just felt like he was so pushy ( the pulling knickers down ) etc i even said if things were different I wouldn't be saying no ( that was true ) I didn't want to get used and that's what happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:30

See I did actually consent when he started I was uncomfortable so I said let's switch positions.
The only thing I hated was when he was pulling at my underwear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:31

He was drunk tho.
Or tipsy
I doubt sober he would of behaved in such a way l.

OP posts:
Hopefullyoneday1 · 01/12/2015 21:38

Confused you do have a genuine reason to be upset, he behaved like a twat!! He pushed the boundaries somewhat, maybe he felt he could because there was that trust there between you and him. That's exactly what my ex used to do, push his luck, he felt he had the right to do so because 'I was his' like this guy was your friend.

He took the piss, even though you enjoyed it maybe your kicking yourself for letting him 'win'?

Hopefullyoneday1 · 01/12/2015 21:41

There was many a time my ex very nearly got a smack in the mouth! :-).

He too would try when drunk, that actually was the easiest time. I could lay there, he would be soft as a slug, groaning and trying his hardest. I would just nod off. He soon gave up!

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 21:42

Oh I'm deffo kicking myself.
I guess in my case the saying
No smoke without fire is true.
He made me feel easy and cheap and I'm really not.
I've only ever slept with 3 people.
I don't sleep around.

OP posts:
Hopefullyoneday1 · 01/12/2015 21:43

Don't go there with this guy again...ever! Enjoy your new man Smile

LuluJakey1 · 01/12/2015 21:53

Don't mean to be mean but haven't we been here before with this poster- the details change but last time wasn't it how much she still wanted to be with this man and she was flamed because he was with someone and had a baby?????? Now the sex details are here and suddenly everyone is 'poor love'. She got a really hard time last time- unless I am confusing her with another post.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 21:57

No, Lulu, this is the same poster

Still finding a way to talk about her time with this bloke. Gaining a whole new audience along the way.

OP, I think you need help. I said it before and I will say it again.

LuluJakey1 · 01/12/2015 22:01

I agree with Any Fucker (quite often actually Smile )

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:04

We will get slaughtered, Lulu < wry smile >

flanjabelle · 01/12/2015 22:09

Nope. Not biting this time.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 22:15

Sweetheart, you were raped. It is entirely possible to want it with your body and not with your mind, and it's your mind that gives consent or not...and you did not. Plus he made it clear it didn't matter whether you wanted it or not.

Nor does it matter that you kissed him or got into bed with him. Your body never stops being yours and you can withdraw consent at any time. If I lent someone my car keys and they went and sat in the driver's seat and I suddenly said, "Actually no, sorry, you can't have my car tonight after all", then I might be annoying but it's still my car. It applies a hundredfold more to your body.

You do indeed have some issues you need to work through for yourself but what happened was not a problem to do with you, it's a problem to do with a rapist. Which he is. And he is 100% solely responsible for his actions. Not you.

This is exactly what rape is most of the time, and people wonder why victims blame themselves.

It was NOT YOUR FAULT. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for what he did.

Joysmum · 01/12/2015 22:15

Oh fucking hell. I'm off Angry

thanks Lulu and AF for the heads up Wine

LuluJakey1 · 01/12/2015 22:32

I am off Any Fucker. Not bothered about a mauling, just can't bear to listen to it all again.

Original poster
Confused2015xxx · 01/12/2015 22:38

I have asked mumsnet to delete the post as I'm sick of all the bitchy people on here.
My post clearly stated that I had posted before about my situation.
It was in black and white,same name etc
Nothing was being hidden
I appreciate the people who have gave me genuine advice.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 02/12/2015 06:08

Perhaps start yet another post about this man, and put yet another slant on your one night stand with him and see how much more mileage you can get out of it? We would be up to about 4 then and he has had a different 'persona' in all of them-

best friend's brother, your long-term friend and all round good egg- I think you were overcome by passion on that post and desperate to see him again- bit if a drama over not very much

best friend's brother, there had always been an attraction between you, you had given into it whilst watching movies together and drinking and you knew he wasn't happy in the relationship with his partner and new baby and although he had not contacted you you were missing him terribly and knew he wanted to be with you but worried what your BFF would think- drama level ne up and you were mauled for having sex with a man with a new baby and a partner who had just given birth

etc, etc

and now this, another level of drama where he has turned into someone who uses force to have sex at the start of the thread and then turns into someone from 50 Shades of Grey who did nothing wrong.

It was a one night stand! It is either the biggest drip feed we have seen in a long time or you need some help for one reason or another OP.

Isetan · 02/12/2015 06:52

It is difficult to comment on these incidents because it's difficult to ascertain where the fiction ends and the truth begins but it's clear that another relationship, isn't going to help right now.

You clearly aren't happy with yourself which is why your resorting to these attention seeking acts (hooking up with attached men, dubious MN postings).

Make today the day you start investing in yourself by getting professional support because it will continue to be hard going if you don't begin to start valuing yourself.

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