Am I needy or just normal ?

[Tissuequeen1]

I am so sorry to jump straight on to a post of my own but I really am at a loss.
I have children ( love them to bits ) utterly stretched to the max working a lot of hours and all the children to sort with after schools , homeworks , drop offs etc .
DH has left me twice over the past 10 years he's been back a few years now but he's just not the same .
I don't feel I get any emotional connection with him ? He shouts if I cry and he says I am being manipulative , even if I'm trying to talk to him ( which is a huge no no ) he says I am causing a scene and dismissis me . I just want him to try and be more thoughtful , to care about my day ? Remember what I might have done , respect my views ? Allow me to show emotion without being shouted at . I think deep down I'm always scared he's going to leave again and maybe I try so hard to be good at things that maybe I expect too much back from him ? He says he won't leave again but I also know everytime I say how unhappy I am with aspects of us he just says leave me then , he says im not worth changing for ! I don't want him to change just add a few bits of emotion in ? Does this make sense to anyone ? Am I just being a baby ?

It's not needy to show emotion or to want to share things with your spouse. You can't change him though. Why did he leave and why did you have him back?

I think he is being horrible to you and you are walking on eggshells.

People with better knowledge will tell you whether this is emotional abuse and whether he is 'gaslighting' you and what steps you can/should take.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

I had him back for the kids I know it sounds awful but to be fair he wasn't as bad as he is now , it's a new job 12 months ago that's turned him a tad egotistical ! I get out of this someone who I do love and I really can have a laugh with he supports me financially and he's a good dad . This is why I think I'm being needy but I always say he's a good provider and a dad but an awful partner on a personal level . You know what to be fair on both occasions the reasons he left have changed and other than normal life stresses etc and family fueds that was it , no cheating etc . I just find it hard not to have that emotional stuff with him ? Do I try and just suck this up ?

OP you are being needy..... You need a better OH.

He's left you twice in ten years and now you're worried about putting a foot wrong in case he leaves?
He's got you manipulated to just where he wants you it sounds to me.

I'd think what you're getting from this relationship, think where you want to be, take steps to get there.

You've handed him all the power in this relationship - for instance as equally as he could leave you, you could leave him. It doesn't sound like you can see that. Not sure what you learned growing up, for instance have people stuck around/left in the past? Do you have any other support irl other than him?

I have family but not like anyone to help out if that makes sense ? I'm a very independent woman in all of my life apart from my relationship with him and yes I agree he has all the control . I would never like to leave as I would miss my kids when they went to him ( as I did before ) also he is even more vile when we are apart gosh I do sound so weak don't i . We seem so happy on the outside im great at acting and people think we are just so good but that's as deep as it gets. Do you think there is any way I can get him to see what he's doing to me without sounding like a complete victim ! As he calls me this all the time . I am so strong on so many levels and not pathetic I just wish I could get him to notice this

I think you know this is not how a relationship should look. If you're determined to stay would he go to relate with you? I can't see that he's suddenly going to say d'you know what you're not a victim/needy/manipulative etc, because you don't sound like you're any of those things anyway. You might be better not to get upset in front of him, and lean on friends etc, if you can live like that. (You don't have to)

We had councilling 3 years ago it was great but he's basically back to how he was now and won't go back again . U r right I know all this is wrong and not how I would choose to live . I Appreciate the honesty I really do . I will try to toughen up to it if I can for now and I a few years who knows x

I hope some more people will be along with advice soon OP. Be kind to yourself.

Well the only reasonable advice would be to end it and spend the time you have alone when the children are with their dad doing things which will develop your own self esteem.

I always feel sorry for women who say they can'eave a miserable marriage because they'd miss the children.

I love my children, but I also appreciate the time I have when they are with their dad.

Surely your children go to sleepovers with their friends or go to a friend's house for tea/the day/the evening?

It's no different to that!

Your posts are about how you can get him to change, or notice what he's doing. Honestly, I don't think you will be able to do this. I know it's sad to acknowledge that the kind of relationship you wanted is not happening - but I think you may have to face up to that!
You can't change him, you can change you and whether you want to live like this. Is there anyone in RL you can open up honestly to? That may help you to realise this is no way to be treated. And then you can work out what you want your life to be like.
Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you so much for your kind words and honesty . No my children don't really go anywhere well to be honest my son doesn't he has huge needs and doesn't leave my side apart from school and that's hard enough for him , change is something he cannot deal with well . I would be upsetting his utter world if I was to leave and I can't do that for my need of some emotional love . I just hoped maybe I could get him to see but I think you lovely lot are all right and it's me , my choive to stay and sounding like I need to just get on with it at least for now . X