just realised that either he never believed me, or he thinks that I deserved this, and I am broken

[Cuppachaplz]

DH and his (at the time) 16y old son moved in 4 y ago. I had prior to this previously got on well with both of his children (DSD is at university). Fairly soon after they moved in DSS began causing more and more problems. He had never been expected to help around the house before (he had had medical issues as a child) and I assumed that this was the reason, however he became increasingly abusive, starting with mind games, progressing lurking behind me with knives etc, then eventually to pushing me around. The problem was that this was always when no one was around; DH would be at work, DS in bed. DH was completely ineffective at dealing with it and things eventually progressed to the point that I would stay at work until I knew DH would be home, come in and cook, then go to bed and block the door. I continued to to beg DH for help, and eventually stated repeatedly that the other choice was that they left. I had been to the doctors a couple of times to see if it was possible that I was imagining this behaviour/going crazy. For this reason when I fell pregnant I was referred to a SS mw. When I was about 16w pregnant, DSS came back into the house after leaving (the arrangement was that he stayed out once he had gone do I knew it was ok to leave the locked bedroom) and repeatedly smashed s door into my face. I managed to hold the door shut against him and he left when I shouted that I was calling the police.
The mw arrived a little later when I was still shaken and bloody and eventually convinced me to report this.
Upshot was DSS moved out. SS insisted he had no contact with me and baby (although for the sake of my marriage I asked if if he in future agreed to counselling and supervision could this be reconsidered). I attempted to move forward with DH, but he refuses to talk about how his lack of support made me feel. My pregnancy was horrendous and DS was born early with additional needs do I was a little preoccupied to really address this. I have been back to GP as still having panic attacks and nightmares, and am really struggling when I'm alone, even though all locks have been changed.
DH family have totally ignored me since this, which upsets me as I have no idea what they have been told. DSD who I used to talk to constantly hasn't spoken to me for 18m.
Tonight DH spat at me that I was making everything up and that he was going to speak to SS. Tbh, this is find as maybe seeing facts is what he needs, but I'm in pieces that he still thinks I'm lying. I understand that he wants to support his son, and I've encouraged him to see him, but I can't see why he is with me if he thinks I'm making this up.
I'm in pieces as it's finally sunk in that he not only enabled this abuse for s long time, but is continuing to rationalise it. Either he really thinks I am such a filthy liar (what's in it got me though?), or he thinks I deserved it.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting, just a rambling rant I guess.
Sorry for the epic post.

Well if your DH thinks that your not pushing for a prosecution makes his son innocent, maybe you should tell him and the Police that you've changed your mind?

Then ask him to leave. If he won't, tell SS how emotionally abusive he is, and how he supports his violent son. They will help you. In fact tell them anyway. You need to protect your young child from them.

The police questioned him, but I had said that I wouldn't go to court, so wouldn't take it further

Can I ask why you wouldn't testify - is it because you were afraid of your OH's reaction if you had?

Frankly I'm concerned that it's not just the stepson you're afraid of; his father sounds downright dangerous. I realise there are issues over his possible claim on the house, but wonder if a full disclosure to SS/the police might not help your case here

And I'd prevent contact between your children and the stepson, even if that means their father can have no contact with them; for me, the risks would be just too great

Have I got this right?

The house is/was the OP's. She married her OH and he moved his children (including her abusive stepson) into it. Stepson abuses/threatens her first of all in secret. OH doesn't believe her. Stepson finally assaults her and OP feels forced to inform the police on the advice of MW but will not testify out of (misplaced) loyalty, leading to stepson getting away with it. OH rewards her (misplaced) loyalty by not believing her and gaslighting her. His family ostracise her.

However, if (when) she divorces him, he will be entitled to a share of the house - which was hers to begin with.

Please tell me I have got that last bit wrong? Otherwise the law really is an ass.

miaowroar I believe it's the fact they're married which makes the difference. I'm no expert, from what I was told, the law takes the view that each party to a divorce has to be provided for, and if there aren't enough others assets to do it with (savings, etc) then yes, the house's value may have to be shared

That's why I suggested police/SS involvement; quite apart from all the other benefits I guess I was hoping that, in the circumstances, it might result in a better settlement for OP?

Yes, as they are married she will have to pay him something probably to go away.

When my ExH walked out on us I had to pay him money. I borrowed it, though, and made a low offer which he accepted. Otherwise the court would have agreed to me and the DC staying on in the house and him having a [small*] charge on the house for when it was sold later on.

*To reflect length of marriage - only 5 years.

Following on from Liney's post, you said he "moved in" 4 years ago, OP ... so how long have you actually been married?

And did you get anywhere with your planned call to SS this morning?

OK that's it - the law's an ass.

How utterly galling.

I'd have to have him kneecapped if I was forced to pay him out.

Just kidding, natch

Thanks everyone.
I spoke to SS today, who said they would happily go through the police report and go why there were concerns. She said that nowhere in it did it suggest that they (police or SS) didn't believe me, and if that were the case that the police would not have forward the report. She repeated that if there was ever to be contact that this would have to be supervised, which I had already said to him.
I have no idea what his reaction to this is.

As far as I can make out, he would struggle to lay claim on my house, but I can't just hoof him out of change the locks while he is at work.

We have been married 2 1/2 years. DSS' behaviour escalated rapidly just after we got married, before that he seemed, freak, awkward and socially inept-I had repeatedly suggested to DH that he should spend more time with him and also that we should try to encourage him to join in family activities. He wouldn't do this as DSS would lose gaming time, something I always felt was partly to blame with his total lack of touch with reality. Prior to the actual incident the threats were insinuated rather than overt, standing behind me holding knives, jumping out on me, standing outside my bedroom door creaking floorboards... I was a nervous wreck by then so it freaked me out DH believed his feeble excuses ('waiting for a chopping board', 'it was a joke' and similar).

After the police report,DSS apparently told DH that it was an accident. He told the police this too, but could offer no explanation as to why he didn't leave when I asked, kept trying to force the door, or was even there in the first place. He kept repeating that he had just been told I was pregnant which was the big red flag to SS/police.

Not long after all of this I was run over. I had my first fluid loss then at 38 weeks and became critically ill. DH was there for me (and DS, who is not his) s billion percent. I was in no place to discuss at this point, and after baby was born with difficulties we were dealing with that. I have been explains that I need to talk for some time, thinking that we could get through this. I understand the ostrich reaction. I would be horrified if my DS ever behaved like this and wouldn't want to believe it, but throwing this jack of belief at me yesterday has totally pole axed me. If he doesn't trust me then there is no relationship. I just don't get what us in in gif him being here, or if he genuinely believes his DS, why he would want to be with me?

Two and a half years is a very short marriage. It would be in your best interests to begin divorce proceedings now.

Sorry it all turned out like this.

You've got a real bum deal OP.
Your DH's behaviour is abusive, definitely get out. Your posts are making me shudder, he's as bad as his son, appalling behaviour.

This is vile for you, & only going from bad to worse.
if OH hasn't got your back now, he never will. It's your house.
You don't "ask" him to move out. You don't tackle this with any fear of refusal.
You say, "this is my house, that I paid for, & I am divorcing you, your shit is gone tomorrow or it will be at the dump".
Any sign of weakness you are done for.
Then change the locks.

As I said, if my partner believed I was a liar, that would be the end of any romance for me. I would split up but I wouldn't be unpleasant about it. From what you say, he has his good points. The most important thing is that he never lets his son near the baby.

And I think your husband has failed his son dreadfully. A loving parent would have noticed the early signs of trouble and stepped in, not blindly ignored such anti-social and dangerous behaviour until it has got to this level.

nowhere in (the report) did it suggest that they (police or SS) didn't believe me ... if there was ever to be contact that this would have to be supervised

Thank god for that!!!

Whether he genuinely finds it hard to accept the horrible truth about his son, or whether he knows perfectly well and has somehow targeted you is surely hardly the point. Neither is any care he might have shown in the past; this is what he's now become, and he's dangerous

It's said that abusers present the greatest risk when they realise they're losing you - please, be very careful indeed

Sorry my last post should have read run over at 28w, would would have made more sense as to the support required and how difficult a time this was. DSS had gone and thus became far more of a priority. DH was there, was my tick and I don't believe I would have survived without him, nor the baby.
Until yesterday I had no reason to believe that he hadn't believed me or the police report, so I'm struggling to see why people are saying that he has been continually abusive. Maybe I'm being thick here, but I can't see it.

Do you know who ran you over?

I'm another saying get away from this man and thank god it's your house.

Yes imperial. I was cycling home from work so it was reported by me and others. He was taken to court, however, for some reason He was acquitted.
The law us a joke, but that is a totally different thread

You can't see it, Cuppa, because you've been carefully controlled and trained not to

You wouldn't have survived being run over without him? - I imagine your medical treatment had quite a lot to do with that
His family have cut you out? - Not hard to imagine the story he's told
Also ... He'll back his brute of a son who's terrorized you?

He spits at you that you're making it all up?
He's going to call SS about you?
He (possibly?) pressurized you not to bring charges against his son?

It's often said on here that it can be useful to think what you'd advise a friend who was experiencing this to do ... worth a moment's pause, maybe?

No puzzle, it did actually have quite a lot to do with him as well.

His family had barely spoken to either of us since DSS left, so I had assumed that the story came from DSS and that DH was reluctant to put them straight as wouldn't want them to know. I can understand that as I would feel like an utter parenting failure.

As I said, until yesterday, he hadn't said a word to back DSS since faced with the police report. I had assumed that he had believed me and had been forced to realise that he had been wrong all along, hence falling out with his family.

He wanted to talk to SS as didn't believe what had been said. I rang them and asked to speak to him as maybe hearing the reports is what he needs.

I didn't understand what had happened yesterday to change his attitude as presumably he couldn't have been able to be with me for 16m if he thought I was the kind of person who would make this up, pretty much destroying my own life in the process.

I wondered whether DSS was behind the wheel.

You are seeing this man's true colours now, OP. Time to get him to go.

In the case of you feeling up until now H has been supportive & "normal".
You can only decide if you can live with someone who does NOT have your back in protecting you from his psycho possibly not step son.
I am envisaging that you will paint over the cracks for now. So how are you going to feel when your OH wants the 2 boys to get together ? When its Xmas & the SS is going to be around your house ? When you come home & he is on the sofa ?
If your H is taking his son's side, this can only get increasingly bad. You need to cut them out of your existence to feel safe.