Why am I so bothered my mum isn't proud of me?

[Loopyloser]

It really upsets me.

I am coming to realise that I have actually achieved a lot in my life - however they're not achievements with monetary value attached.

For this reason my mum isn't impressed. There always seems to be an undercurrent that my husband and I haven't 'launched' as we're not rolling in cash.

The only thing we miss out on is probably driving around in nice cars and expensive hols (something she has in spades). But we have a nice, welcoming home and the kids never without.

It really upsets me and I don't know how to let it go.

Advice welcomed.

She has no close friends because your mum has seriously personality issues. She is incapable of creating reciprocal loving relationships. This is your mum's problem and not yours. One sibling is probably not in contact because he/she is tired of trying to gain her approval. On the other hand another sibling who messes up is still accepted and approved of. Can you see the discrepancy? She has you in roles and you are all playing them out in the hopes of her approving of you.

She is very unlikely to ever change. She will dismiss your concerns and so you also deny your own feelings and needs because in your family her needs trump everyone else's.

What is your relationship with your dad like? What is your parents relationship like, are they still together?

No she had an affair and they divorced when I was a teen.

My relationship with my dad is different - he is very easy going. Easy come easy go. He's not perfect though and has let us down in the past, but not through meanness but weakness.

Well with your dad for all his faults it sounds like you can have a reciprocal relationship - give and take. You don't need to win his approval because you already have it, he sees you as an equal human being, with your mum from what you describe you feel there is a imbalance of power where she has all the emotional power and you are not equals in the relationship.

Are you scared of your mum and what she would do if you said or did something to upset her?

Does the relationship give you guilt trips?

Do you feel obligated to do certain things to gain her approval?

Loopy lou i did wonder if you were my dsis,:) she could ve written this post so could i.we have a house and no debts.Eventhough dm has been v ill and df is in the last weeks of his life she constantly goes on about money.If it was said with concern like "shame you dont earn great money for all the hrs you do then you could do what your db does ie have 2 homes and go abroad loads"
She just goes to his house talks about his dcs private school fees etc,
She even goes snobby about primark and lidl.Df is the same any meal has to be reduced to the cut of meat and where it came from.to start with i thought she was being picky however this week she made it clear she is disappointed in us.
The great thing is i dont care about the latest gadgets and dont place my values in them,I have a great work ethic so does dh and now dd does in her first job,there is more to life than material possessions,dm and df having advanced cancer has reinforced that,do what i do and think there goes hyacinth bouquet again,Then get on with your life how you see fit.:)

Sorry, you are going through this,
I also went through similar, and she has been gone 8 years now, and it bothers me occasionally.
Called Fat my whole life, when I finally lost 60 lbs, she didn't even notice.
Can you have a talk with her before it's too late and more damage is done.

Loopyloser I could have written your posts. My DM isn't materialistic, but I have never had her approval. She eye rolls everything I do.
FrancisdeSales you speak much sense. Our core values are very different. She has no friends or any other functional relationships. She will never change. Her needs trump everyone else's.
I realised all this YEARS ago, but I still struggle to move past it. I'm so angry with her and her belief that everything is everyone else's fault.
Thanks for this thread Loopy, it's helped me

It's tough OP .