myfirstlove I only fairly recently put myself out there and admitted to a man that I had my own agenda (so to speak). I admitted to him that I wanted a relationship with him! He did not want one with me. He wanted to just, meet up and sleep with each other....... I just took a deep breath and as excruciatingly embarrassing as it was I told him that I did not want that. And then I went home. And waited. And yeh, nothing happened he didn't ring me up to tell me he'd changed his mind but to my relief there was a sense of peace from having risked telling him how I felt. I also felt a sense of relief that i'd had the integrity to just suit myself, or rather, refuse to suit somebody else.
It's very difficult this stuff, easy for most, but when you're brought up in a household where any mention of a relationship is perceived as some sort of loose cannon style weakness, then you don't know how to walk the tightrope. Others manage it. I know people with parents like my own, and they've navigated this stuff, but there was some dynamic in my family that has up until now prevented me from admitting to anybody that I felt THAT way about them. But to my amazement, I have done it and recovered from the, well, i thought it would be shame...... but actually, it turns out that it wasn't shameful. It turns out, even though I was rejected, it was only embarrassing in the moment of sayig it out loud, and then later, i felt proud of myself for having taken that risk. And it gets easier.
My mum and Dad met at about 23 and my mum has this way of disapproving of going out with men just for fun or for the male company. I know she would love me to get married but HOW on earth she thinks you get from single to settled without kissing a few frogs along the way, i do not know.
I was seeing a man last summer and he wanted to meet my parents. I knew I could never introduce him to my mother. I'd have died of embarrassment. He didn't get it at all. He said "but honestly, mothers love me! I can chat to mums, what's your mum's name, well Irene is gonna LOVE me"..... She might have done, but she would have looked at me like I was a wanton loose cannon losing control of her life.
I guess it's acknowledged in most families that the family members have a sexuality even if it's not the side of yourself that you present feet first to your family!!!! but in my family, we're all nearly like boy george around the table. We daren't say anything that'd reveal we weren't totally asexual. My brother is the same around my mum. He's been to amsterdam, barcelona and san diego in the last year and he didn't tell us who he went with and we didn't ask. My mum doesn't want to hear anything before ''i'm getting married''. She could cope with that. Just. It'd be shocking, still, though.
I feel like you get this. 
hence the long essay.