Everything just seems so pointless

[penelope01]

I don't even know how I find myself here as I have never used mumsnet before. I got divorced three years ago after my husband found himself a new friend, but I don't want him I'm just angry that he could never be a man and has left us all in this position.

I have just had to start charging my children to live here as we have zero money coming in now my youngest has hit 18. This is causing me a lot of anxiety as I worry they won't pay. There are no jobs, I was just thinking about the amount I have applied for in the last 12 months or so and only one came up trumps which didn't work out.

I have a new partner who is tricky to handle to say the least. I have gone from being with a wimp to somebody who is probably too much for me. I went to a huge effort earlier this year to apply for a job so I could spend more time at his (the application of which took hours to complete - anyone would think you were applying to be a rocket scientist), then move in only for him to invite family down he hadn't seen for years which didn't go very well because we were all squashed in...there was an argument and he threw me out. But we did make up. Since then I feel very half-hearted about bothering to go for jobs there again since I don't feel secure.

I did a science diploma 18 months ago and got mostly distinctions and got a very good offer but didn't go due to all the stupid debt attached to it. So now applying for crappy jobs and really just don't care if I get one or not.

Think I will sign on next week and just sit at home as I really just do not care anymore. Sometimes I just think I should light my barbecue in the house and just sit there till I fall asleep...
I look ahead of me and see the following...

My children who don't value their family
A relationship I am not sure about that I sometimes feel bullied in with somebody who is obsessed about me working to pay him to live there
Crap jobs

The only thing stopping me is my 9 month old grandson who I don't want to leave unprotected due to him having crappy parents.

I feel I have seen, done it all and tried to do it right but no one gives a damn and no one cares.

My mother although supportive always tries to see it from everybody else's point of view...oh and everybody else is perfect

[regretsihaveafew]

I too have done it all, seen it all and done right by everyone and find no one bothers....all busy now with their own families/partners/jobs...and totally on my own. So I know the feeling. At one point the only thing that got me through was to concentrate in my grandson when he was born. He saved my life now a teenager he doesn't want to know!

Your post has a lot of negativity in it. Maybe your time as a mother, thinking of everyone else, is coming to an end...it's natural. Your relationship does not seem to nourish you or make you particularly happy and gives you a lot of worry. A job without a large wage can surely give you a purpose, workmates, time outside the house and help your self worth. Keep trying to find a job which interests you, or volunteer somewhere [could lead to a job] and would look good on a CV.

So maybe it's time for you now. Look after yourself, treat yourself, ask yourself if this relationship is really enhancing your life or if you are 'bending' too much rather than being alone. You sound really low, maybe see your GP or find a support group.

I have no partner, nor do I ever want one again...I have had a battering from other people and 'friends' too and no longer rely on anyone else but myself to make myself content. I look to other things....the sun, long walks, books, selected TV, the internet, my house and garden, cinema, my hobbies, good food, days out. I have 4 grandchildren now, but see them infrequently. I feel blessed though, enjoy my life, and won't allow anyone to bring me down again.

Time for you to find yourself and give yourself what you need, and offload what you don't need? Please enjoy your grandson, he is going to need you and you can have such fun with him in the years to come. Focus on him and finding a job as a starting point...you may be surprised what is out there. Not all low paying jobs are crap.

[MiniTheMinx]

You seem to have been through so much, I'm so sorry. Life is hard but often I see the nicest people suffering the the greatest hardships of all. Why is this?

Sometimes just taking a small step is all you need and the rest will follow. Even a shifty job can be enough to help you get a foot on the ladder. Making one new friend may be enough to restore your faith in people or one small victory enough to give you back some hope.

I can't tell you where to start. But start you must. You deserve more but it won't come to you. Sometimes we need to feel "entitled" in order to go after what we need. One of the best ways to gain this sense is through anger. Rather than blaming yourself as women so often do, look at everything outside of yourself. It may not be your fault but you can as sure as anything make things happen if you want.

Maybe try to set yourself one small goal for now, and concentrate on that one thing. Being too overwhelmed is no good. Achieve an improvement in one thing and it's often so much easier to tackle the rest ((hugs))

[pocketsaviour]

Your "partner" sounds like he is dragging you down even further, so I'd bin him off sharpish. Inviting you to move in, then moving his family in, then evicting you?! Whatever Mr Drama Llama, see ya later!

I can hear a lot of anger towards your children. What do you feel that stems from?

[IonaNE]

Why do you have this partner in your life at all?
I don't quite understand why you decided not to take the good job offer because of the "debts attached to it"? What debts?