dislike my husbands family and the feeling is mutual

[zannyminxoxox]

So My husbands dad is very unsupportive of my husband. He has bipolar and since then he moans about my husband not having a job, moans about him having tattoos moans about his smoking, tells him to man up when he is crying on the phone to him, when his illness is bad. Basically everything my husband does is not good enough. When we go round to his dads or his dad comes here apart from the moaning about how we live our lives he doesn't speak to us he never asks how we are never asks how our children are and never interacts with them he only sees us when he wants his laptoo fixing or a fence post digging out or when my husband asks him if its ok to come see him . Once my daughter was tantruming as she was tired and wanted to do something she shouldn't and he said you need to stop her doing that before school. I mean seriously she was 2, wish it was that easy. After that comment I said I don't want to see your dad I can't be doing with being judged all the time. So my husband just used to go to his dads with the kids. Then it was my sons bday and we was going to a play centre so DH asked his dad if he was coming and his dad said no as he doesn't like me or my family. Fair enough I don't like the man either, but my family he has only met twice and he never spoke to them just ignored them. My husband had a major fall out with him over it and I appreciate his support, but I like the fact his dad isn't in our lives anymore and I am worried he will want to talk to him and then we will just be dealing with same stuff again. I haven't told my dh how I feel as I want to support his decison not him base it on how I feel. Do you think I am wrong in feeling this way or am I being silly

Well you're not being silly, OHs dad soids like an odious and toxic little man.
I would talk to your OH about it. There's no good coming from having his DD in your lives and there's no positives for the children etc. Your OH probably feels the same way.

Discuss it and see where he stands.

Even if OH wants a relationship with his dad it doesn't mean you have to have one. Stop inviting him round, stop invovog him on your life etc. Let OH see him without you and kids.

Hey OP, you've put your husband's real name in this post. I've asked MNHQ to change it for you.

You are not wrong in feeling relieved - your husband's dad sounds awful. I think you can just continue doing what you are doing, which is supporting your husband. As the previous poster said - you don't have to have anything to do with his dad. It sounds like your husband is coming around to your way of thinking anyway.

Ooops sorry didn't realise thank you. I have told him I don't want to see his dad again as he isn't bothered about the kids as he just ignores them, and I don't like his dads attitude and negativity towards our life choices, but he has said that the kids should see their grandad, if they start talking again. But his dad didn't even send my son a birthday card, nor does he acknowlegde them. I have said why not wait until they can make their own decision about seeing him when they are older as they are 3 and 2. They don't even know who he is nor do they ever ask for him. My husbands mum and my dad, they ask for all the time. At the minute him and his dad are still not talking I think I will see if things change then talk to him about how I feel, where the kids are involved.

but he has said that the kids should see their grandad

NOPE

His dad is a piss-poor, abusive, bullying parent, and he will make a piss-poor, abusive, bullying grandparent. Well, he is already, isn't he?

Are you sure your H has bipolar? Is it not possible that he has long-seated depression as a result of being brought up by this utter flangebucket?

Where is your H's mum in all this? I assume she is no longer with his dad. Is she loving and protective of your H? Can you get her on side at all?

This book may also help you.

Yes he definately has bipolar. His mum is amazing she supports him alot and no she is longer with his dad due to how he is, they separated a long time ago. I agree with you I really don't think the kids should see him. I don't want them having to deal with his bullying and told everything they do is not good enough. His mum believes that it should be left to my husband, but she knows what his dad is like.

Bipolar disorder and other major mental health disorders have a genetic element but it's qute hard to distinguish that from the environmental impact of being brought up by particular parents.

My PILs are great people, nothing like your husband's dad, but it doesn't altogether surprise me that they have more than one child with a major mental health disorder. I met them when they'd relaxed quite a lot, but my impression is that they were PRESSURED people when younger and didn't manage to avoid passing on quite a lot of that pressure to their kids.

[disclaimer: I'm a worse parent than they are and ds is at risk of a MH diagnosis himself].

I would say that your husband's desire to keep going back to see his dad is quite typical in this situation. Not only the natural desire to keep seeing your parents, but also the constant hope that one day he will get the dad he always wanted. A major step in dh's recovery has been accepting that his parents are the people they are, and that the child he used to be will not get the parenting he wanted/needed. Again I say that my PILs are lovely people and very good parents in a lot of ways, but dh needed something on top of that that they couldn't give at the time, for reasons that are obvious in their own upbringings.

That is true annandale his dad expects alot if him and used to be very violent towards him when he was younger. He has always tried to make his dad proud of him but no matter what he does his dad always has to put a downer or have a moan about what he his doing. I understand his need to see his dad, but I just don't want the negativity around my children. Whatever they do I would want us as a family to support them and show we are proud not put them down and say they can do better or lecture them about their life choices or bully them about it. I remember sitting around the table and both his step mum and dad were making fun and shaming people with tattoos. Me and my husband both have tattoos. I sat there and took it and so did my husband but I felt awful afterwards they are just bullys I don't need those types of people in my childrens lives. Im just worried that if he does contact his dad again then we will have to go through all.this again after already dealing with 7 years of it. I think this time I am going to put my foot down and say no as I can't do it again and I don't want my kids going through it.

Maybe ask him what his expectations are of seeing his dad and why he thinks it will be a good thing to be in touch.

He may just not be able to think of himself as someone who is not in touch with their parents - which says something nice about him, except that why would you stay in touch with violent bullies who make you feel worse about yourself

Would you say that his depressive/manic symptoms sometimes flare up after he sees his parents? Even just helping him to plan for that may help him realise that the effect of them on his mental state may not be good. Of course it's not always that simple - I frequently can't spot a 'trigger' for dh's episodes.