Should I get rid of all my friends?

[Andrise]

I'm toying with the idea of ditching all my friends and just starting again to eradicate all traces of my past life.

By way of background I'm not brilliant at the whole friendship thing and there is no-one I feel particularly close to. I divorced 4 years ago after a long and abusive marriage with a cheating narc ex and I am a single parent to three teen children, one with special needs.

I wasted all my youth in a shitty relationship where I just serviced my exH in every way possible, including financially, and never got anything back for myself and to an extent that is what I am still doing with the children (in my 50s now). I had counselling and realised that in many ways my marriage reproduced my emotionally barren childhood. Lovely.

I would love to move away for a complete change of scenery, preferably abroad, but I am stuck until the children finish school. I am really looking forward to being free to travel and live where I want when two of them go to uni. I recognise I will probably have one child with me always but s/he is a sweetie and will be happy to go with me.

So the friends in question are:

A. someone I used to work with. We used to be quite close but have drifted apart over the last year. She can be very snubbing of me and loves to remind me that she is better off than me;

B.someone I used live near but no longer do. She picks me up and puts me down when convenient which I don't really mind, but although she has been supportive in the past I can't get over the fact that she knew my exH was cheating as he brought his girlfriend to the same parties at least a couple of times but did not tell me.

C. A group of mums from primary school. We only ever go out as a group and they would not miss me if I never went again.

D. A group of former neighbours who are sweet but all happily married and tell me EVERY time they see me that there are some lovely men available even though have told them categorically that I never want another relationship again - the very thought gives me indigestion.

All of them are tarnished with my past life. I have thought about just fading them out so many times and only the fear that I might regret doing it has stopped me. I don't really care if I never replace them TBH, I'm fine with my own company.

Views?

I think that most of us probably let other people down, and they us, without us even realizing it. you have to accept a certain amount of selfishness on everyone's part, as they are probably thinking that they need to look out for themselves (or don't even see that you need some help, let alone think of offering it etc.).

BUT - if you accept that there will be a certain amount of compromise, and that you don't need to be anybody's BFF (I hate those kind of friendships where you're meant to be together loads, and like the same thing etc. They suffocate me) then there's no reason why you can't have a range of more casual, looser friendships, and you don't need to move house to achieve that.

Move house if you want to, but as there sounds like you have a few years beforehand, then try to work out what level of friendship you are comfortable with, and try to establish some new ones at that level.

As for the friend who knew about your DH - a hard call. My personal view would be that ultimately it's just another example of what a twat the ExH was, that he must have known he put her in that position. However - I could forgive her knowing/suspecting/hearing rumours but not saying, but if they were actually all hanging out at the same party, then, no. I would feel she'd been too complicit.

Where to compromise though? It's well known that survivors of an abusive childhood strain at gnats but let elephants stride on through. It is very difficult indeed to gauge where to compromise.

I came out a similar, though shorter relationship. I had similar sets of friends. On a whim, I came to the UK 'for six months' to sort out my head and get away from a shit Canadian winter. I came with £60, the name of a real friend's distant relative who would put me up in return for farm work and two suitcases. The isolation from all the bad allowed me to assume, in a new place, all was good. That positivity got me through. It's not always been easy but I gained the strength to identify the good people and situations.

Those six months became ten years last month. I'm a citizen and everything now.

I just have to say that one thing I like about old friends is that you know their flaws and they know yours.

I am so lonely. I have lots of friends but nobody I can rely on in crisis. Not even family. I know this because the last few years have been the hardest I've ever known. My life is a daily struggle and not one of my friends, family or even colleagues has stepped forward to support me. I truly believe I can only rely on myself but I see other friendships where people will walk on hot coals for each other so I know that good people exist, I just don't have those strong bonds with anyone.
I think if You feel this way and have the chance to move to a fresh space without all that baggage, you can give it a try. You can always move back if you need to.

I was musing this morning about this. I live in a foreign european country, I can speak the language & have the opportunity to have many female "friends", met through my P usually.
It does seem very one way. & I am certain if I left tomorrow no one would attempt to contact me, (I feel like I'm the one who puts in all the effort) & I would not contact them either. I take it for what it is. They aren't close friends, they are just acquaintances
I do however know I have a handful of deeply loyal friends, some I haven't seen for 20 years ! being in other countries I don't get to their part of the country, 1 of them I met when I was 14 !
Fortunately I have 2 girlfriends from my country of origin locally too, & have realised that the culture difference plays a massive part in who my friends are, the locals simply are different than me, they have different expectations & are essentially very selfish. its in their genes !
I think its fair to say that most people only have about 5 true deep "confidants", who know & understand you, & take your faults on with the rest.
But I am ready to take on their faults too. I am certainly far from perfect, why should I expect anyone else to be?
I think finding true friends has a lot to do with "hasard", but don't expect to find close bosom friends within a different culture, it clearly is possible, but there are many other idiosincracies thrown into the mix.
Meanwhile in your heart of hearts you know, who, in your circle of friends are worth the effort. Ditch the rest, they will only disappoint you.
Will stop waffling now.
in a nutshell, you are your own best friend !

springydaffs course people can take their demons with them and sort them out somewhere sunnier or more interesting. Why not? What concerned me was that the OP was displaying what to me looks like black and white thinking: cut ALL ties; ALL people I know aren't worth knowing. And that kind of thinking is often not based on reality. But I admit it is sometimes. A lovely friend of mine ended up a heroin addict and he went off to a new town where he knew no one in order to create a life without any access to being lured back to using. It worked for him. He did return to family and non user friends once he was safe in his own company though.

What Mix said is good advice. I also think that to meet good people we connect with properly, we need to be ourselves the kind of people we want to attract. So we need to work on being genuinely happy, strong and kind to ourselves if we want to attract friends who are genuinely happy, strong, and take good care of themselves (not needy or angry all the time) as well as taking good care of each other.

OP, I read your post with interest. I am a great believer that a grown, fully functioning/capable adult is the best judge of how they run they run their own life and a lot of social norms don't work for me. My friends are vitally important to me, but I totally respect that for others they may have no importance. I also never wanted marriage/partner and/or children, though I had relationships when I was younger because I fell for the idea that eventually everyone would want a partner etc.

I would say that the people you describe sound like acquaintances so would not be at all concerned about dropping them.

I'm a bit baffled by the posts around "taking problems with you". I have some health problems so sure, they will follow me wherever I go. But the poster who said it seemed to me to be implying some sort of attitude problem, I don't think you have one. I think you have seen some of life's harsh realities and refuse to wear rose-coloured specs in spite of them. I find that some people are alarmed when we call a spade a spade, but generally when I stop and think about the problems of life, the vast majority are caused by other people, who then bring pretty much no joy. So I stick with the close friends who help out with my life and bring fun and laughter. I have no interest in any other type of "friend".

I also love my own company and quiet - I get stressed and anxious without it. If you said you were dropping a really close friend for no reason, then I'd be concerned, but you are asking about dropping a group of acquaintances and gearing your life towards your self-reliance, I think? I can't see anything wrong with that.

PS those neighbours who want to fix you up - I am amazed you haven't lost patience and shouted at them. What is wrong with these people? I'd be saying "hey, just because you can't be happy without a relationship doesn't mean I can't".

I heard of a woman who was deeply depressed, packed up everything and travelled around Britain in a gypsy am I allowed to say that caravan for a year. She met wonderful people who restored her faith in humanity. It transformed her life and she came back cured of depression.

Sometimes life is so unutterably shit and dead, lifeless, you've slogged away at all the usual remedies but nothing shifts. Change of scene has surely got to be an option.

OP - I get you. If the people around you have seen you when you've been struggling, then there's a 'collective memory' of you as someone who has had a hard time. And no matter what you do, you feel that you are unlikely to change that. It makes change doubly difficult because you have been given your 'role'. In that situation moving somewhere far away and dropping "friends" is very appealing.

Personally, I don't think you have anything to gain from investing in relationships that seem very draining, especially as you don't think you'd be missed. Just think really carefully about whether you'll regret this down the line, and also consider realistically how likely you are to make better friends. I don't think you want to end up with absolutely no one at all. It's impractical. If you're going away, that would be a natural break and things could perhaps be left. Options open.

we need to be ourselves the kind of people we want to attract. So we need to work on being genuinely happy, strong and kind to ourselves if we want to attract friends who are genuinely happy, strong, and take good care of themselves (not needy or angry all the time)

Erm I was listening to you Mrs but you lost cred in my eyes with that set of comments. If I may say so, it seems rather b&w to suggest someone who isn't happy is in fact needy or angry 'all the time'. Not necessarily. I'm only picking you up on this bcs you were so strong about the op.

I also don't want friends who are 'happy and strong' - you may want that but I don't. I prefer my relationships to be more nuanced - which could well include miserable, angry, needy, weak on occasion , as I will be sometimes. Plus sometimes strong (whatever that means), happy (i'd have to say ditto), etc. Ime it is a relatively rare person who knows how to be kind to themselves, too - especially in our culture. I find your So we need to work on being genuinely happy, strong etc very off-putting and prescriptive - this is what you may want but there's no 'we' (as in 'we need') about it. Not everyone wants the same things at all. I appreciate you qualified it by stating 'we need to - if we want' but it looked rather like you were suggesting your tastes are the same as others' tastes - almost as though your tastes are a foregone conclusion. They aren't - I'd be really put off by that criteria for friendship. Rather high standards, apart from anything.

So I think we can rest assured we wouldn't want one another as a friend! Can't please everybody eh

Too right, Springydaffs, we'd not make good friends. I spent decades from childhood onwards listening to and supporting people who thought it their right to whine and bark at me and load their problems onto me, from childhood onward and never once check in on whether this drained and depressed me. I battle with depression and have all my life and one of my most foolproof ways of keeping it at bay is being very selective who I spend time with and gravitating towards strong, happy healthy people with whom I behave in a strong, happy, healthy way. They don't drag me down. It's not that they don't have problems, it's that they don't pick at them like scabs and focus on them and give them priority over happy times. Your little lecture about how dissatisfying my posts were to you personally sends warning bells to me too. Happy to keep my distance too!

Woah! Hold up!

I think you have explained why YOU need people who are eg happy and strong. My point is we dont all need/want that.

There's a world of difference between people who wallow and dump - and people who share the good times as well as the bad. I am able to hold my boundaries, recognise the wallowers and dumpers (and cut them off) from the friends sharing both the good times AND the bad.

You don't want that and that's fine. I do and that's fine too. It doesn't make me deficient, just different desires to you.

Er, MrsM, springydaffs wasn't lecturing you at all. She was simply expressing a different opinion, that's all.

Friendships mean different things to different people. I used to like to have lots of friends, people to go out with etc. Then when I had dc I made more meaningful friendships, and I now have about 10 close friends. Of those 10 I'd say 4 are really close friends who I'd miss very much if I didn't talk to regularly

I've phased out of my life friends who take too much from me with nothing back, friends who like to bitch about other people. I only have genuinely lovely friends who I trust completely. It's been a hard decision to phase out some people, but had to be done. I've moved on from finding the drama queen entertaining

I'd say choose your friends wisely. There really are genuinely kind and lovely people out there, but they are going to be hard to get to know, because they will have had bad experiences themselves

Makes me wonder what my "real" friends think of me......... Don't open that can of worms methinks !