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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

heavily pregnant and dh is using internet dating sites!!!! WTF

49 replies

marriedtoashit · 11/12/2006 16:32

Im a reg with a name change for ob reasons.

I am heavily preg, expecting #3 in the New Year. I thought we were happy, in fact I have been living in domestic bliss for many years. Well, bugger me, jsut noticed a dating site on the browser history. Logged on and did a few searches and sure enough, dh is on there ..... looking for female friends.

What am I going to do???
please help

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedtoashit · 11/12/2006 16:42

god, got to go. ds has freind round for tea. better cook.

thanks so far. will try to get back later.
want to get bladdered and cant as pg

OP posts:

Original poster

marriedtoashit · 11/12/2006 16:43

mascaraoh, that's a good idea. let me think on it

OP posts:

kama · 11/12/2006 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 11/12/2006 16:45

be very careful if you decide to do that. He may not have 'done' anything yet and it could make things a whole lot worse.

lulumama · 11/12/2006 16:47

agree with fivemadmarch

setting traps at this point, where all you know is he is looking at a site, is going to potentially blow this up into a whole new ball game

you need to talk...not go behind his back..or take some time out to decide what you want

merrylissiemas · 11/12/2006 16:47

i was going to suggest the same as mascara

bluejelly · 11/12/2006 16:48

Sadly this behaviour is far too common.
I think it's partly to do with fear of further commitment-- and wanted to check that they are still fanciable etc
It may just be him needing a quick ego boost, to find out whether other women still found him sexy.
Or it maybe something more devious.

I know it's hard ( found out my ex was having an affair when my dd six weeks old) but you need to establish him motives and his aims. It could turn out to be not quite as sinister as it looks, if it triggers a heart to heart discussion it could be ultimately something that draws you closer.

I really hope it's the latter, but ultimately you will survive, don't let it overwhelm you if possible

( I cried and cried for my ex and everything that could've been and should've been. Now, 6 years down the line I thank god I'm not in that relationship anymore and feel much stronger and wiser for it. A hard lesson, but ultimately for me, a good one.)

MascaraOHara · 11/12/2006 16:48

Oh is he only looking? I thought that he was registered.. I think there's a difference. It normally costs money to register as well.

soundsfamiliar · 11/12/2006 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 11/12/2006 16:50

I wouldn?t necessarily suggest joining to try and catch him out, but I would read through the emails and see what they say, then I would go back over the computer history as far as possible to try and establish if there have been any other situations where he has been attracting other female company. Then you need to get a hold of his mobile phone and check the messages on it, and set it to save any sent messages. You do need something more concrete than just knowing that he has joined this site before you confront him, because if he has been cheating, he could still say that he?s just joined for friendships, (although quite why someone would join a singles site and advertise for females is beyond me) and you will have no evidence to prove otherwise.

Kidstrak · 11/12/2006 16:51

good idea to have someone contact him to see if he responds and to what length he respnds to i.e would he arrange a meeting with a woman, i feel for you and hope that someone has done it as a joke or something else. if he replys and seems keen to meet a woman i would def respond with the open relationship line to see what he says and then you can hit him with the "i know you have been on a dating web site"

foxinsocks · 11/12/2006 16:52

why can't you read his emails if you can see them in his trash? you should be able to...(if you post what email programme it is, someone might be able to help you get to them)

wannaBeOnTopOfTheChristmasTree · 11/12/2006 16:53

I think she meant that she couldn't read them as in that she couldn't bring herself to read them, but could be wrong

kama · 11/12/2006 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks · 11/12/2006 17:00

oh I see. Sorry.

grrrr at him.

pedilia · 11/12/2006 17:07

Sorry to hear this, I am going through something similar with H and I am due to have number three in three weeks time, so I know exactly how you feel.

One word of warning- the more information you find out is the more you have to toture yourself with, so think carefully about what you do next.

whatwouldjesusdo · 11/12/2006 18:01

I would be unable to resist putting myself on the site and contacting him.

Very sorry to hear that you are going through this shit.

PeachyIsNowAChristmasFruit · 11/12/2006 18:16

I have to say WWJD reacts pretty much the same way as I would.

On a more balanced (ie not me) level you could leave the page on the PC where he has registered, leave the room and make sure youre doing t when he will see it. Then bring in a coffee and say you need a chat.

Then take it one small step at a time whichever road you choose to go down, being very kind to yourself all the way.

IncognitoForThis · 12/12/2006 11:31

You don't have to pay on many of these sites; you just register and make yourself a free profile.

I have been through/am going through something similar. I too know far too much about these horrible, marriage wrecking sites. My H registered himself as 'unspecified' re marital status and specified (from a drop down list) that he was 'just' (!) interested in 'discreet online chat'. (There was also some nasty info he had entered below about the type of sex he likes; nothing shocking but SO devastating for me to find; and SEE how he was 'averstising himself'). I alternately torture myself over this or reassure myself that he has no intentions of actually meeting internet slags for cheap nasty shags.. but the damage is done. As has been sad below, trust gone. I don't know what the future holds. He swears he hasn't been back on these sites in months but there have been many instances of me finding out he has been looking at porn, which, sadly for him, I used to tolerate without a problem, even laugh about, but now, with each reoccurance, I just get ill with stress and shock that he has done again what he swore not to, and intense worry about what it will lead to. (Those sites again or worse, and me having to instigate us splitting up. Because I have been SO miserable in recent months because of all this that it crosses my mind sometimes that I couldn't possibly more miserable without him. And I would be learning to live again without all this horrible horrible stress and fear that never really goes away. I have told him that he is risking losing his life as it is for one where he is free to say and do what he wants with internet tarts and whoever so he needs to think very carefully about what he does in future but I fear that he has a problem; an addiction of sorts, or at least a compulsion. I do hestiate to split the family up though; it seems selfish in a way as he is a decent father and the childred would be so upset.. and then I think how rich to see MYSELF as selfish! HE has done this!)

I can shed no real light onto why 'happily' married men do this but I have discovered that men think very VERY differently from women and are able to separate love and sex in a way that must women don't and can't. They compartmentalise this little 'harmless hobby' of theirs and think that what we don't know does not need to hurt us or affect us in any way. Many of them are very simple creatures in this respect.

I suggest that you go back and scrutinise his profile(s) and see what he has regsitered himself as 'wanting'.. it usually says on one of the pages. If he is looking for online thrills only (like my shit of an H) than this is slightly different from looking to meet people offline. And you may be able to get through this.

It's funny, I describe my H as a shit too.. but if I didn't love him I wouldn't still be going through this. I do love him but the trust is gone.

Counselling is a very good idea.

My heart goes out to you. I read these type of threads a lot on here and it's so sad that there are so many but it gives me a feeling of being supported by all the women in the same position.

I hope you can work this out. Please keep posting.

merrylissiemas · 12/12/2006 11:51

i was thinking about you last night, could you drop into conversation that you were watching a documentary about the increasing number of married men using internet dating sites, and that in some cases it was just because they were feeling isolated by their partners or they just needed to feel attractive and ask his opinion. if he tells you then it's probably harmless and you can tell him how hurt you are etc. if he doesn't then i'm afraid you can either confront him outright or try to catch him out

MenAreShits · 12/12/2006 11:54

I Feel so sorry for you, I know how awful it is when you discover something like this (when you weren't really looking for it).
I discovered via the phone bill that DH was ringing sex chat lines when DD was a tiny baby. When I confronted him about it he blamed the fact thatwe were hardly having sex. He then got really annoyed with me asand even grabbed me by the head when I challenged him as I was changing DD's nappy as she just gurgled up at me. Are they a different species? How can they not put their families first? I really don't know what drives them to do these things, but know that you are by no means alone. In fact, I'll bet that the vast majority of the men on those sites are married with families, I just think that it is too easy for them to get a thrill - if it were a case of going out and seeking a prostitute, very few of them would - it's simply opportunity presenting itself.

MenAreShits · 12/12/2006 11:57

BTW, DH and I are fine now. Trust is something you have to earn, and mine in him depleted for a long time. We are OK now, so try to resolve the issue, especially if you have children. Things that seem devastating at the time can be pushed into the dusty recesses of your mind and life can go back to normal. It may take time, but it's worth the perserverance.

Bugsy2 · 12/12/2006 13:07

MTAS, how horrible for you to find this. I know what a shock it is, as I discovered my ex-H was having an affair via his text messages.
You definitely need to talk. No tricks are necessary - just be completely upfront & tell him how you feel.
Unfortunately married men on dating sites are very common. I have met 3 men who omitted to tell me they were married. Really horrible feeling knowing that you have unwittingly been chatting to and arranged a date with someone else's husband.
Hope you can work this through MTAS.

merrylissiemas · 12/12/2006 19:07

bumping for you

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