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Relationships

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Original poster

Disagreement after miscarriage

25 replies

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 14:40

I miscarried at 11 weeks at the end of August. I've accepted it as much as is.possible and although it has been heartbreaking and I still cry about it occasionally, I need to move on.

We got married three weeks ago and I thought this would be the new beginning and was looking forward to the future.

DH however, has other thoughts. He will hardly come near me sexually and mentions every so often that he doesn't want to have a baby until we've sorted our finances/the house/his van/my car.... Anything really.

I mentioned going on the pill yesterday. He said no he knows I'm not keen on taking anything hormonal. I mentioned abstaining during fertile periods of my cycle. He said no. I mentioned taking it a little more seriously and actually ttc and he said no.

I'm so confused. He's against contraceptives but against me getting pregnant. But then when I mention delaying ttc he also objects.

I don't know where to turn or what to think. He's not a bad bloke this is my disclaimer, he's kind, sensitive, caring, etc. Emotional issues that he's going through he keeps to himself though. I'm just so confused and can't work out where his head is at.

Does anyone have any insight?

OP posts:

Original poster

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 15:12

Anyone?

OP posts:

SeriousStuff · 26/11/2015 15:13

I'm so sorry about your loss and the ensuing issues. It's possible he just isn't coping - does he speak openly about how he feels about the miscarriage?

Original poster

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 15:16

I think he likes to "be the man" and do the supporting rather than talk about how he feels. He's mentioned not wanting to go through another miscarriage. He has taken it really badly.

I just want the good feelings back that we had before I got pregnant. The pregnancy was awful. I was so sick and dizzy so he stepped up in a big way.

I just don't know how to fix this. It's almost like he wants me to"accidently" get pregnant. I got pregnant first month of trying last time so no reason to think it won't happen again.

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SeriousStuff · 26/11/2015 15:19

You say he hardly comes to you sexually - how often would you say you are having sex?

Original poster

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 15:23

I'd say not quite once a week. We completely abstained from August until the wedding three weeks ago and have probably had sex three times since the wedding.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I feel he's avoiding it but he does seem less interested.

It's definitely I think miscarriage/pregnancy related as I first started bleeding after sex

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MaisieDotes · 26/11/2015 15:23

Sometimes when things happen that are outlet side of our control (like a miscarriage) we form ideas about them in a bid to make sense of what happened and regain some control. Because the realisation that we are subject to random and indescriminate forces (like nature) is a scary one.

Is it possible your DH wants to try again but doesn't want to jinx things by actually actively trying or wanting it too much? As a way of protecting himself from the pain if it doesn't work out again?

MaisieDotes · 26/11/2015 15:25

Outlet side?

outside

Original poster

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 15:30

You might be right maisie. It seems a bit deceptive to just get pregnant without his informed consent although tricky since he won't go near me

I feel like I can't just make this decision on my own

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Original poster

chelle792 · 26/11/2015 15:31

I suppose I could just not mention when I'm fertile and see what happens. He does get upset when I mention delaying ttc. Equally though he gets upset when I say I could get pregnant this month

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SeriousStuff · 27/11/2015 02:17

Would he be open to counselling - both of you together?

MaisieDotes · 27/11/2015 07:46

Hi chelle

Sounds tough- you thought the wedding would be a turning point and it hasn't really been.

Maybe scrap the conversations for now and just get on with your normal sex life, and see what happens?

it doesn't seem fair that you have to engineer things though. You should be going into this as a partnership. Perhaps "a serious chat" is in order.

MaisieDotes · 27/11/2015 07:48

Just realised I totally contradicted myself in the last post!

On reflection, the "chat" is probably the way to go.

Original poster

chelle792 · 27/11/2015 08:05

He might be open to counselling, I'll chat with my own therapist next week and find out her recommendations.

maisie I think you're right about the chat. It's hard to resume a normal sex life when he's so conflicted. Every sentence almost, he contradicts himself.

For me, it's just a disappointing start to married life. I'm a bit gutted tbh but then feel selfish to feel like that as he's obviously struggling emotionally.

Imagine a man complaining that his wife didn't want sex after a miscarriage. He'd be lynched! Maybe the relationships board would be good for this thread

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MaisieDotes · 27/11/2015 08:34

Yes there's some fantastic advice to be had over on relationships.

for you

MummyC92 · 27/11/2015 08:51

I'm so sorry for your loss
I am in a similar situation, after our miscarriage my DP is against trying again, he has become very distant and thinks we should just focus on the DS (now 4) we have..

It has caused a massive strain on our relationship so I have just tried to relax a bit and keep myself occupied with other things until he hopefully comes around to the idea.

I think if he is against you preventing another pregnancy I would take that as he does want to try again but perhaps doing for 'officially' is just a bit scary for him. I would carry on as you are and if he still agrees to still dtd unprotected during fertile times he would understand what could be the consequences of this.

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 27/11/2015 09:03

Hi, we're moving this over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Aussiebean · 27/11/2015 10:10

When we had ours, the doctors made a point of saying that my dh needed to be looked after mentally as well as me.

They said that everyone focuses on the mum exclusively, and forget that the dad is grieving just as much.

Do you think he has had a chance to grieve?

For what is is worth, I am watching my 6 month old trying to crawl so it is not the end. But I spent the entire of my pregnancy worried about it happening again. And every form you fill in, you have to mention it. I cried for my lost baby while feeling my current one kick. It doesn't go away unfortunately, but it gets easier.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

chelle792 · 27/11/2015 11:08

I think it is grief. But it's mixed up with money worries too.

It's just hard because I'm starting to resent it and am just feeling so unloved. I know that's not true as he's still.cuddly and chatty. It's literally just the more physical side.

I feel like I need to snap myself out of it because it's not making his feelings any easier to consider

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April2013 · 27/11/2015 11:18

My DH was very hesitant after a miscarriage last year about sex and ttc, think it was about a year before we both thought sod the worries about money and miscarriages and went for it, we had had quite a lot of discussions and arguments about it beforehand - so I think it is very normal for things to be like this for a while, I think the miscarriage association website has advice for and stories from men which may help, plus they have a helpline and are very helpful, kind and knowledgeable if you have unanswered questions and worries about it. It's such a shame miscarriages arent talked about so much because it is so isolating and lonely :( maybe it's even harder for men on that front?

Friendlystories · 27/11/2015 17:40

We lost 3 babies before we had DD and it definitely affected DH, more than I realised at the time. I don't think he felt entitled to his own grief, he did the 'manly' thing and focused on looking after me. I did try to get him to tell me how he felt but he didn't want to 'add to my pain' by talking about how it had affected him so it all got bottled up. The second miscarriage started after we had sex and it did put a sort of bad association in his mind for a while, he also became less sure about trying again after each loss. I think a lot of men struggle with how to deal with miscarriage, they often feel it's worse for the woman as its her who has physically gone through it and that their role is to support us so their feelings get pushed to one side. You certainly need to sit him down and talk to him, whether he will talk back is another question but I would want to let him know that he can talk to you without feeling he will be raking over things that will upset you. I would reassure him that the fact that the bleeding started after sex doesn't mean it caused the miscarriage, I did lots of trawling the internet about causes after my first and was surprised how little factual information DH knew about miscarriage when we did eventually talk about it so you may well be able to dispel some of his fears by giving him some facts. You need to make a decision together about what you're going to do about trying again, if one or both of you feels a break would be best you need to put some reliable contraception in place so you can get your sex life and intimacy back on track without worrying about pregnancy and if you both feel you want to try again straight away you need to talk about how you will deal with it together if the worst happens again. What you mustn't do is sweep things under the carpet and keep avoiding the subject and leaving things up in the air which it does sound a bit like you're doing at the moment. You don't really know how the other is feeling or what you both want going forward, that's no good for either of you and could lead to you drifting further apart if you don't put it right. Miscarriage is difficult, it's one of those things people don't talk about very much so it's really hard to know how you 'should' be dealing with it. There are no rights and wrongs but it's important you and DH find a way through it together instead of both of you feeling isolated in your own feelings. Sorry for your loss chelle, feel free to PM me if you feel it would help

Original poster

chelle792 · 27/11/2015 19:26

Fern, such amazing advice. Thankyou. You're right about sweeping it under the carpet. I can feel the fractions already. First it was wait until after the wedding to deal with things and now the wedding has gone we are just as lost. I'll aim to talk to him over the weekend. He's happily hammering away fitting a new light switch or something at the minute

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Friendlystories · 27/11/2015 20:52

Think the important thing is for you both to feel it's something that happened to you both as a couple so you need to get through the aftermath as a couple instead of retreating into your own private pain. I felt like he didn't care and I was the only one suffering and he thought he was protecting me by not showing me how devastated he was and how scared he felt about the prospect of trying again. Once he realised I wanted to hear how upset he was, that I needed to hear that he was grieving for what we'd lost too it pulled us back together and it was easier and less lonely for both of us. Hope it goes ok, I'll be around if you need someone neutral to talk to

Original poster

chelle792 · 27/11/2015 23:00

Thanks fern. I'll send you a pm later over the weekend x

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Original poster

chelle792 · 29/11/2015 08:52

Managed to get DH to talk yesterday. He said the miscarriage still.really upsets him and he doesn't want to actively ttc but won't mind if I just happens. I put my foot down and said that the contraceptive we were using was abstinence and that it wasn't fair on me. He has now admitted he's not quite ready and we are going to use condoms.

A happy ending of sorts. Thankyou all for your insights. I was struggling to see past my feelings and frustrations. When I approached him gently and with his opinions in minds it was an easier conversation. I feel like I've been really selfish.

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MaisieDotes · 29/11/2015 09:00

I'm so glad to hear you've been able to talk to him chelle.

Enjoy these few months of being newlyweds and I wish you all the best when you are both ready to try again

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