DP is fat. How can I support her to loose weight?

[mum2mum99]

Dp has tripled in size since I met her.
I have done my best to introduce healthy eating but she has got Nutella and other things at work.
I don't know how to breach the subject with her. I don't want to say 'you are fat', nobody wants to hear that and I am sure it would be counter-productive. I don't fancy her at the moment and I have been postponing or avoiding sex.

she has got Nutella and other things at work
Controlling, or what, OP? This is an adult you are talking about. It's not your job to police her eating.
tripled in size
So, from 7st to 21st? Or are you exaggerating?
I don't fancy her...avoiding sex
You're saying that if she is a size and shape that is acceptable to you, you will have sex with her. One side of this would be that some people genuinely don't fancy anyone who, in their judgement, is overweight. Another side is that really quite unpleasant, controlling partners use this kind of argument and tactic.
Ultimately, if you've gone off your partner, have the decency to tell her so, and don't blame it on her weight gain.

Are you quite sure she's tripled in size?

It's interesting you say she overate before when she was being abused. Is she unhappy now in relationship with you?

In light of the fact that dieting doesn't usually work and has the risk of greater weight gain, I think you need to think about what your goal here is.

Think about which of the healthy habits mentioned in the video above she does have, which she doesn't have and consider cultivating those habits in yourself and sharing them with her.

Find out how she's feeling right now about herself and her life without judgement. It may be good idea for her to get counselling after her abusive relationship if she has not already done so.

She may never lose the weight long term but could be healthy. Even if she does lose the weight, she won't necessarily look the same as someone who has never gained substantial weight. You need to think about how you feel about that in terms of sexual attraction. If you do decide not to continue the relationship, please be kind, you can take or leave her body, but she has to find a way to love it and treat it with respect because she is stuck in it.

Fat is something that she has, not something she is. For those who are concerned that she needs to be told, be rest assured people with more fat than average have generally noticed that is the case, and we know people with less have noticed too.

None of your business op. Watch your own waistline and let her be.

I agree, comfort eating when abused, you tracking what she's eating and trying to change her, valuing her for her appearance only and posting here to garner support and tips as to try and get her to do what you want...

Those with history of abusive relationships often choose other abusers because they Are attracted to the same triggers. Is that what has happened here? She's traded in a grade 8 abuser for a 6?

Leave her alone.

You say she has a history of disordered eating.
In that case, though there's great experience on here, I think you should talk to the ED charity b:eat for advice on how to discuss this.

There's also a book called 'Caring for Loved Ones With Eating Disorders' - something like that, one of the authors is called Treasure. It has advice about ways to raise the person's illness with them.

If she has an ED, then offering to diet with her or go to the gym isn't necessarily a good approach. This isn't about weight.

I'm not so harsh on valuing for appearance re weight.
I fancy my 12st BF. I'd still like him a stone heavier I'm sure. At 24st - not so much.

If she's used food for comfort before than the fact she's doing it now suggests she isn't a happy bunny. So I'd suggest talking to her. She's obviously aware of the change in her apprance by dint of the fact that she has eyes and she's probably aware of the change in your feelings towards her too.

It doesn't seem that you have much to lose by talking as it doesn't seem that there's a healthy dynamic between you at the moment. But maybe first try and approach the issue of her eating and what's making her unhappy as opposed to calling her a porker.

Of course, that depends on the dynamic between you. I have no problem with my wife (I'm female) suggesting I lay off the cake and have a carrot because she's direct and I'm diabetic and I absolutely know that it's about my health, not my size because she's been very clear on that.

It's also worth thinking about what about her size is off putting. Is is that she doesn't look healthy or athletic? Is it about the way she dresses or the way she moves? I'm not suggesting you change your opinion or magic up attraction where it isn't there but you also need to work out what your issue with her size is.

None of your business op.

I'm sorry but that is a ridiculous thing to say. Of course it's OPs business - the essential element of an exclusive relationship is that you agree to have sex only with each other. This is what distinguishes it from a mere friendship. A sexual relationship involves finding the other person attractive. If she no longer finds her partner attractive because of her weight, of course it is her business!

Describing OP as "an abuser" is crackers! There is nothing here to suggest that at all. Being overweight is unhealthy; like it or not. Equally most people look better when not overweight; again like it or not, it's true. A lot of fat is basically unhealthy looking and unattractive.

I think your best option is to take up something together that will help - going to the gym regularly, a dance class, swimming, get a dog and long walks - it doesn't matter as long as you do it together and both enjoy it.

Ultimately, if there is no change and this is a deal breaker for you though you are going to have to broach it with her. Better that and give her the opportunity to lose weight rather than just dump her without explanation.

People round here go a bit crazy when it comes to weight issues (probably because so many people have their own weight issues and feel very vulnerable when weight and lack of attractiveness are discussed). But rationally, if a partner were doing something else that you didn't find attractive, many people wouldn't have an issue with dumping them.
"My partner has taken up smoking. I hate it and it's a turn off. I've asked her to stop."
"My partner drinks too much and is a nightmare when she's drunk. I've asked her to stop."
Weight is more of the same. It maybe a reflection of unhappiness and a deeper psychological problem; it may not be.

But people have their own dealbreakers.

If a dh came on here and posted this thread, Would the answers be the same?

I'm thinking they would not be.

I thought so too, Hissy.

It'd be LTBs all around

Well my answer would have been exactly the same.

Well, I say exactly. Obviously there would have been a bit about the patriarchy and the media and the porn industry distorting men's ideas about women. And there would probably have been a bit where I accuse the OP of being shallow and unsupportive.

Bit apart from that... Exactly the same!

I can see there are some strong opinions on this topic. It is a sensitive issue.
timelytess re Nutella, I just noticed she had it as well as other things and did not comment on it.
We have a good relationship and I do love her. I did not mind her putting on a bit of weight but it just seems to go on and on.
She is always busy helping other peoples to the expense of herself. I know I could not sustain it if it was me. She always has something better than exercise and when she does she will exercise for 15 minutes and quit.
She does not really like the job she does but does not feel confident enough to try to change. I have tried to support her with it but I can't make her.
She things she is all better after her previous violent relationship, all is resolved as she talked to her mum a lot. I am sceptical honestly. I have my own issues due to past relationship. I get support and try hard to move forward with it. She supports me with it but does not think she needs counselling. I just want her to start looking after herself!

I think you aren't going to 'fix' this without fixing why she's seeking comfort from food right now, when if she's always comfort ate, what was different when you first met her that she'd not needed the comfort from binge/over eating so that she was slim then.

Tricking her into the gym or exercising more isn't goingto help if she's massively overeating, you won't get her to excercise enough to say, counter eating a packet of chocolate biscuits.

How long has the weight gain been going on and can you pinpoint a possible trigger? Did she used to be happy at work? When did it change?

(Oh and I don't think you are wrong at all for saying you don't want sex now, people are attracted to different looks and bodyshapes - if you chose to be with someone slim, that's probably because that's what you find sexually attractive, so obviously if she's now the opposite of that you're not going to find her as attractive.)

My first thought on reading this thread earlier today was that it it was a man who posted about his female partner that he would have been called all the names under the sun. I have seen it happen. It's depressing.

Ive posted the same reply as I would if a man posted, I'm sure others have too. Mine can be summed up as " mind your own" and I'm not the only poster who effectively said that. Gender doesn't come into it, for me.

What an arsehole you are. Opening statement "DP is fat"

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Janaus - if the OP's DP really has trippled in size since they met, "fat" is probably a reasonable discription, although not to her face. Sadly, if the situation has changed to mean she's chosing to comfort eat to a level she wasn't when she started the relationship, tackling why she's comfort eating to that extent would be much more effective than trying to fight the symptoms by going to the gym together or making healthy meals for them both...

People who are over weight (and aren't happy about it) are fat for a variety of reasons, if the reason is comfort eating, then no diet will work until they either stop needing comfort or they find an alternative way to get comfort when stressed/upset. The later can only come from the overweight person, for an outsider to help, the only real option is to try to tackle the reasons they need to comfort eat.

I've posted exactly the same thing I'd say to a man, and to the partner who has gained weight....which is that the real issue is the underlying unhappiness, and being cruel or patronising won't work. People are not stupid just because they're fat and when you start earnestly talking to them about healthy eating and going for walks, they will know what you're doing. Far better, if you genuinely love them and want to help them, to talk to them about what is making them unhappy and how you can help that...and be prepared for it to be a long road. Also be prepared to change your own lifestyle if you want to support them in changing theirs. You can't expect your partner to change their eating and exercise habits without making any changes yourself.

So glad to see many people who recognise that focus sing on diet and exercise only addresses the symptom, not the cause.

Of course there are those for whom edification, diet and exercise is the answer. I think extreme weight gain is a good indicator the issues run deeper and that needs to be discovered and changed and then the weight will follow as a result.

All you can do is to try to build healthy activities into your joint life and encourage her to join in.

(and healthy foods).

So maybe arrange things, shop, cook a bit more. But don't pressurise her and don't comment on her weight.

YY to looking at what us the cause of the issue.
It's not going to be solved if she doesn't want to recognise any issues with her self confidence and her self esteem.

Now knowing that you are already gently supporting her te addressing her issues and it hasn't made a huge diffetenxe, the other thing that needs to and addressed is your reaction to it.
I don't have an issue with the word 'fat' as such but there is certainly a negative connotation to it which tells me you see her being overweight as 'disgusting' in some ways and that puts you off. Why is that? Is the way your partner looks important to you in how you feel about her? (Not judging there) you need to recongnise how your own preconceived idea affect your own view of her and how much it then affects your relationship. If, for example, she had put a lot of weight on due to illness or medication and she couldn't do anything about it, would you feel the same? Are you, by any chance, associating putting on weight to be lazy/not in control/a glutton? (See your comments about not exercising for more than 10mins and then 'giving up' for example).

If you can't do more to help her deal with her emotional issues (if this is the only reason why she is eating too much), then you will have to accept that she will be overweight. And then, is it something you can accept? Can you love her even with her emotional issues and being overweight?

All you can do is to try to build healthy activities into your joint life and encourage her to join in

What's the creepy wee face for Joy?