Unrequited Love Help

[SolidSnake]

I genuinely need serious advice and I don't know where else to turn. I'm a 21 year old woman who is completely and utterly infatuated with her university lecturer. He's 30 and in a relationship. I'm aware that i'm very young, but I have never felt these feelings before. I've never had crushes on anyone, men or women. This situation is so different.

It's not only that I find him immensely attractive, but from the moment I met him, even before I met him by just reading his academic profile online, I felt a complete and intense connection, that I have never felt ever before. I like to pretend that i'm not a romantic or a spiritualist, but I am. I am deeply. I have never in my life felt a particular deep connection with someone, not even just in a romantic way, but in a platonic way also, and I have searched and searched and searched. I filled my heart with beautiful images and music which satisfied me emotionally to some extent, but there was always a hole waiting to be filled in by sharing this deep emotional feeling with another person. I came to the conclusion that such a thing was impossible, that what I felt that I needed from another was something that did not exist.

And then I met this man and I felt this surge of a feeling I had never felt before. We have very very similar interests in our fields of study. We even have similar mannerisms, writing styles and personalities. I felt like our souls were somehow connected, that us meeting each other was meant to be, that we were destined to do something important together. But now I know this is all romantic bullshit. And yet, I still feel I will never feel such a way about someone again.

I feel such a deep sense of shame and loss right now, it's so so so so so stupid. The whole situation is stupid. What on earth was I thinking... And yet I still feel all these feelings, unbearable feelings, for a man I don't even know really.

I know this is all very dramatic, and I suppose it's because my emotions are just extremely raw right now, but I just want to know how to cope with all this. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and have no friends at the university i'm currently in (far away from home), which I know have just exacerbated this whole thing. I just find it difficult to relate to people (which I think is partly why this whole situation is so heartbreaking for me).

It wouldn't be borderline abusive, it would be abusive full stop. An abuse of power.

Khaluz, so awful that happened to you. SO awful. Vile sexist academia

As you can see, op, your lecturer will be hugely watching his back , for good professional and moral reasons. so don't take things personally.

I always think being in a team working on a project is a good way to gel with people - it takes the pressure off socialising neat iyswim. Any projects you could get involved in, eg SU? Whatever, find a way to get out of this cloistered hot house and these, and any, intense connections will naturally loosen.

Btw bashing out stuff on here is what MN is all about. It's a brilliant resource imo. So you're right on track as far as MN is concerned.

No offence taken HP !

Bloody academia ... It should be the best job in the world, and yet the crap structures that surround it just make it unbearable sometimes.

springy you are absolutely correct - academia is sexist. It's things like this rather than out and out sexist comments etc that really show it up!

I had a seminar with him today. It was difficult to shake this sense of shame over how of a fool I had been (and to an extent, still am) over this man, and I managed to suppress the desire I felt to go over and start a conversation him at the end of the lecture (which I had done in the past, once or twice), and instead left. The knowledge of potentially ruining an academic relationship helps me not to slide into complete idiocy, and i'm being kept reminded of RedMapleLeaf's assertion that, "If he's half the person you think he is he will be policing his professional and personal boundaries", which is so very very true. I know I sound like i'm not a master over my own actions or emotions, which of course I know I am, but I think it's partially to do with the fact that these emotions are so new and intense, that it frightens me and i'm still trying to learn to navigate them healthily. Part of me is scared to relinquish these feelings completely as I am so unhappy in my personal life, and without them I feel I will be without nothing. Christmas is approaching and it's really worrying me. I don't know if it's partially to do with my lecturer (Although I try to remind myself that he won't be giving me a second thought over Christmas, so why should I continue to completely think about him!), or if it's because if I come home, a place where I should be happy, and continue to feel unhappy, then any ion of hope that I still have will vanish.

I know I definitely should be making the effort to go to clubs and making friends. I know it's difficult for anyone to go into a room for the first time with people they don't know, and I know you must do so to make friends.You're definitely right HPsauciness about me constructing a safe fantasy and deliberately surrounding myself with unsuitable people and situations in order to justify how I feel. I seem to know all the problems and words, but I avoid doing anything about it. Do I enjoy wallowing in self pity and seeming "not like the rest" to an extent? Am I using it as an excuse to wall myself up to avoid getting hurt my others? I don't know. I think one thing about my lecturer that appealed to me, is that a man (or just a person in general) shared many of my similar interests, just fell into my lap so to speak, without me having to search and make an effort in seeking those with similar interests. He's young, so in my mind's eye, was attainable as a friend who I could to an extent relate to (although i'm not trying to undermine to sexual aspect as well). I will definitely have to look again at clubs and events available, or perhaps something I could get involved in, in the wider area.

springydaffs Yes, definitely. I try not to take things personally, and in fits of petulance I do sometimes think, 'Well, what if he doesn't like me?'. And then i'm sure he likes me well enough, as much as he likes any of his students. And obviously that's where it ends.

I've never really thought of team projects, but I will consider it as an option! Thanks!

Bumping this as any more advice would be greatly appreciated (as well as the fact that i've rather enjoyed venting my feelings! It has been quite a cathartic experience)