H 'is leaving' (again...)

[OldGreyCat]

Hello.
I am married 14 years (tog 17).
2 kids, aged 11 and 8. Eldest has SEN.
Marriage not been in good shape for a long time.
(H has his own bedroom, comes in from work and doesn't even acknowledge me, goes off to bed without saying anything to me or kids etc). H doesn't cope well with stress and due to a number of factors (£, housing, school, my health) there has been stress for a long long time. Neither of us have supportive family. I am aware of this and large nc, he is still in FOG with his. It is my first marriage and his second (his first wife divorced him).

Whenever the 'shit hits the fan' re life, H says he will leave as 'I make his life a misery'. He has left a few times, for a few days each time. There isn't enough money to leave properly so he comes back. I have been considering re-locating for some time as the kids aren't doing well or at all happy in school and the house is too expensive and would be difficult to manage on my own (would need to sell it though, and nothing selling around here). I know I probably 'should' stay in the house, but I really don't want to, for so many reasons. So, it seems wise for me and kids to re-locate. H says he won't relocate with us but will 'visit at weekends'. Due to a number of circs it is hard to find another place to live (I'd need HB and finding a private landlord to accept is hard).

H is increasingly impatient with this. I viewed a rental y'day. I don't know if they'd accept HB yet. H quizzed me last night as I was trying to cook as to 'when you are going?'. When I didn't give a date (and asked him to stop swearing at me) he said in that case he is going 'this weekend'.
Great :( We are supposed to be having a 'Birthday Weekend' for him (he's 50 today) so the kids will notice any changes of plans. Just before Christmas too. He picks his moments (he's done this sort of thing before).

Sorry for whinge - have difficult meeting with school this arvo too, so could have done without him pulling this today (he ALWAYS does this when my back is absolutely against the wall).

Well, a typical evening, really.

Had the meeting at school. It was one of the most productive in 5 years.
H said almost nothing, took no notes, and has not discussed afterwards.
I might as well have been by myself for all the input (although our battle with the LEA to get appropriate provision for ds is one of the very few things we agree on, he is happy to leave all the obtaining of it to me).

Came home shattered, and needed to cook. As ever, a solo mission. About 10m before it was ready H came into the kitchen and sat at the dining table looking expectant. So, I sat down too. He just goggled at me. I suggested he might round up the kids, help tidy up kitchen, dish up... Nada. I put food in front of him too as we always eat together and I didn't want to upset the kids but I resented it.

I have then bathed dd (and done her absurdly long hair routine), and got both kids away from screens and into bed. Popped to shop for bits for packed lunch tomorrow. Set d/w, and done a white wash for school shirts tomorrow.

At 8.30 he announced he was going to bed (unusual to be told). I said that the wash needed 15m in the tumble then onto rads and someone needed to go to the shop (he'd taken his shoes off, so it couldnt be him!). Also that we needed to speak before he disappeared re when he was going to 'tell the kids'. Have come back to loads of soaking washing on rads with note saying: '15m exactly' and 'Saturday' - which is the day they were expecting to go out.

He'll be upstairs watching tv in his room.

There are much nastier incidents, but I think it is this grind, with a sulky teenager attitude that gets me down so much. If it was just me, I'd know not to hope for help. I don't hope for help from him, but it is draining when he flops around sighing and huffing and gaslighting all the time.

Aaargh - sorry, rant over (maybe I am a moany bitch after all?).

Grey cat, you know you're not moany bitch. Nobody decent would be so callous and passive-aggressively casual about leaving his family. He is playing a hurtful power game and you have every right to be upset about that. It's not a kind way to treat a stranger, let alone the person/people you are closest to in the world.

Your not a moany bitch, he is a cuntweasel.

Ha! cuntweasel has made me smile.

That's the thing, thattime he wouldn't dream of speaking to a neighbour or work colleague the way he speaks to me and the children. He'd lose his job / be a social pariah. Yet, when the front door closes he is a different person. His whole face changes. My ds has noticed too and commented on the '2 Dads'. I need to expose them to this less, don't I? Obv he will have to have contact, and hopefully he will be so stubbornly wanting to prove me wrong that he is a 'good dad' that they will get a better version of him, albeit for less time per week.

What would happen if you just made yourself a cup of tea after he doesnt do it? Or just made yourself and the kids dinner?

It is good that DS knows there are two dads. That is healthy. Pretending the abuser is not abusive to someone he has power over is not good.

But yes you do need to expose them to it less. Mainly by not living with DH but you've got that in play already.

Why does he get to decide when to tell the DC? Especially when you know he is deliberately timing it to ruin their day out.

I tend to make a pot of tea and tell him it's there to help himself these days.
I cook for us all as we all eat together and it would seem exceptionally mean not to. I don't want the kids to see me being exceptionally mean. I have dished up for kids, dished up mine and told him to 'help himself' a few times though recently.

The tea thing is get-round-able I suppose, it was just an example of the really dysfunctional way we relate.

The leaving before Christmas, when we are in the middle of a war to get provision for SEN child, I am in the middle of 6 operations, and we have no family to mop up / distract the kids, not so much. Although he says he might 'wait till after Christmas now, for the sake of the kids'. Which feels like Mr Osborne and his tax credits. It's not a reprieve, it's just delayed a bit.

I think you should take the power back and let your DC both know, before he has a chance to ruin this weekend.

He doesn't get a vote on this. He's proved himself to be a spiteful, abusive cunt. You need to act in your children's best interests, because he very demonstrably won't.

Yes, I do see what you both mean.

But, if he is leaving, then he needs to tell them, surely?

He walked out for 3 days when ds was 9 (the day before his B'day, the git) and left it to me to handle.

If he goes, he tells them. I have a feeling he will 'stay for Christmas'. He said y'day: 'if I do that it will give you more time to decide what to do' (re selling house / moving schools/area). He is happy for us to move, even a couple of hours away, and isn't interested in seeing where we might live. Says he will 'come down for the day but not stay overnight as I'll need to do overtime to pay for everything'. Except he thinks benefits will fund it all? Pah. He's not thought it through at all.

There is no sense that the joint issues which affect our kids and us need to have joint input into how they are solved/reduced - it is all 'what will YOU do?'.

It has been like this for years and years.

He sounds awful, OP.

But I was wondering, could you rent out the house, or even a part of the house, or rooms?

I think a lot of the issue is down to finance,the way things are now and the way things might be if you were a lone parent I think you'll be entitled as a lone parent to
Child tax credit with an extra element for disabled child
Child benefit
DLA for disabled child
Carers credit if they get middle rate care
ESA as you are unable to work and potentially pip if your illnesses cause disability.

If you do go it alone,you will be OK with or without extra money the peace of not walking on eggshells of not having to cope with the moods will be tremendous.
You are basically alone now living with a monster so you can do this kid xx