I miss my DH since his new job

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my dh started a new job 8 months ago. and is working very long hours. he's up at 5.30 - to leave for 6am, then sometimes isn't home until 8/9pm. sometimes later. this is because he has to travel for two-three hours to get to work - depending on where he is sent. he has to be on site for 8am, and might be sent 100 miles away. he isn't supposed to leave site until 5pm.

anyway - we've been togeerh five years - and i'm struggling with not seeing him. it feels like we're flat mates sometimes! i'll wake up at 5.30 and say good bye - sometimes I will get up and have a coffee in the morning (if he can leave a bit later) and then sometimes he comes in so late and exhausted, he just eats, showers and goes to sleep.

I want him to get another job, but he wants to get our mortgage sorted first. And he has been promised a sort-of promotion "at some point".
but i don't even give a shiny shit about any promotion. I just want to be selfish and actually see my husband.

I thought initially it would just take some "adjustment" as I was used to having him around a lot more. but it's making me really unhappy.

sorry, i guess i don't want any advice, just somewhere to vent. i know he needs to get a new job - but it's not always that simple, is it? I have looked for similar jobs closer by but he won't apply for them becausse he wants to get the mortgage sorted.

Does he not have a day off? What if he doesn't want to change jobs? You can't force him to. And ge sounds sensible wanting to sort the mortgage first.

It's not the end of the world and absence makes the heart grow fonder. The time you do have will be more quality time. Take the opportunity to maybe try a new hobby or see more of your friends or something.

he does - most weekends. but sometimes he works on sat morning as well.

i know it is sensible to get mortgage sorted first - but i still miss him being around.

I think i will start doing something else in the evenings (i'm out two evenings already) so might take up some more exercise - i have a friendly neighbour who might want to come for walks with me.

thanks.

How does he feel about it? It sounds like not much life for him either. I'd maybe set some kind of reasonable deadline for reviewing the impact on work-life balance and on your relationship as a whole. Was the decision to move to a job with such long hours a mutual one?

i don't think either of us realised there would be such long hours. he went from being self-employed to a full time employee, so financial security, higher pay and career progression was the motivator behind it.

he expresses that he is tired as a result of working such long hours, but says he wants to make sure the mortgage is in place before any big decisions. which i get. totally.

but part of me thinks i'd rather have less money and more DH than the other way round!

Do you have a job?

Why can't he change jobs until the mortgage is sorted? Do local jobs not pay enough?
Just keep looking and applying until one that pays well comes along?

He probably won't want to point this out to his boss, BUT the Company are breaking the rules on the Working Time Directive, which dictates that you must have 11 hours minimum between shifts.

he can't really change, because you have to have been in your current job for about 6 months before they'll approve the mortgage.

i will have a look about the work time directive. i'm sure some days it's being broken. would it count for travel time? sometimes he travels two hours to get to site for 8am, and then might finish at 8pm and drive home, so not be back until. 10pm, to get up again at 5.30.

When will the mortgage be sorted? If it's another month or two, then it's probably worth sticking with it (you've come this far) until then. But if it's a year or more, it sounds unsustainable.

My neighbour has a job like that but stays away over night at the expense of his employer quite often. Do they not offer this? Okay you wouldn't have him home but surely he would feel less tired.

So he's gone permie in order to become eligible for a mortgage? What's the plan after that?

If he needed to be there for 6 months (I think usually the sticking point is whether you're on probation) he's now done 8, so what's the timetable now?

DH does this - works 12 hour days and works 12 days out of 14. I only get every other weekend with him. I also work from home so it can be very isolating.

Agree that there needs to be some sort of timetable. We are doing one more year abroad then moving to a country where I can work in an office. His company pay all our bills etc so we are managing to save enough to be first time cash buyers.

That's the only thing that is keeping me sane. You need to sit down with him and work out some sort of plan for the next 6-12 months.