My mum and dad are ruining their marriage and I don't know what to do

[Worriedaughter]

My mother has always been the more extroverted and charming of my parents whereas my father is the quiet, dependable one. Nevertheless, they always had a happy, companionable married life. However, in the last few years my mum's career has really taken off. She's now far more successful than my dad and also moves in a more rarefied social circle as a result.

I've noticed that mum has also made a lot of quite impressive male friends. Like I said, she's always been charming and a bit flirtatious and it never bothered my father. But I can see that he feels threatened by the company she now keeps. For example she was in Lisbon for work a few days ago and then went to a little beach town nearby to spend the day (alone) with one of her business colleagues who has a summer home there.

I was at my parents place for dinner today and my mother was telling me about how much fun she had, how he taught her to ride his vintage motorbike and so on. My father made a lot of passive aggressive little jokes throughout this conversation and the atmosphere between them really saddened me. It felt like my mum has become contemptuous of dad and he's become resentful of her. How can I tell her gently to stop flaunting her fancy new male friends in front of my dad?

Your dad wants to clip her wings and presumably she's raised a family (his family!). he should be a bigger person and allow her to get something more out of life that domesticity. But you can't MAKE somebodyy be a bigger person. They are or they aren't.

It does sound as though your mum is the one behaving a bit unusually and I rather feel for your dad but all you can do is the quiet subtle things and remain generally supportive of them both.

I'm sure if someone posted on mnhq that their DH was having fun days out with female colleagues there would be very few posters on the DHs side.

The fact that she talks so openly about how wonderful x,y and z are suggests to me that she is a little star struck with her new friends and lifestyle rather than having affairs. However, I'd be mighty cheesed off if my dh went on a business trip and went off on the trip you describe with a female colleague and then came home to tell me just how marvellous she was.

I'm going against the general consensus here because I have a highly tactless mother and have had to have words with her on occasion. Speak to your mum and say she's done really well but waxing lyrical about other men and out of work jollies is inappropriate. She's also putting herself in potentially dangerous situations because she doesn't know this man that well and the day she described sounds very much like a date. If he is senior to her in some way she risks all kinds of unpleasantness. She is also clearly hurting her husband.

So yes, I would phrase it carefully but I would say something.

I wouldn't have thought it's typical for married people to have days away with other married people, maybe if it's a one off in some remote place where there are no other colleagues to join them, no other family about.

My DH worked abroad and did have days out with other marrieds who were working there. But they were occasional and usually with a group of colleagues.

How are the male friends' wives about these outings, does your DM meet them? If your DF is unhappy/ uncomfortable about them perhaps they are too? Does this occur to DM?

I don't see why you can't talk with your DM about this and say that DF seemed a bit hurt when she was talking about visiting this summer house with this friend. Generally I think people often stand back too much from getting involved in the lives of those close to them. A friendly, supportive conversation can help people reflect on their behaviour and relationships and make the best choices for themselves, and often others too, going forwards.

I think if you do talk to your mum about it that you consider the consequences first.

Do you want her to confide in you if she is having/considering an affair?
What would you do if she told you? Or would you rather not know?
Sometimes people will give you too much information at the first opportunity/opening.

I agree with Juggling above. I think you should have a gentle word with both of them, just on what you've observed. Talk to them separately...you are concerned and if you are concerned and so close to them, you should say something. I would appreciate it if one of my kids did that. Also, you know you tried to point things out at this stage and your conscience will be clear. I think I would regret it if things go downhill and I thought, "I never said anything because it's only their business." It's a bit like parenting, no one wants to take anyone else's comments on board anymore because it's only 'their' business and no-one else's. Well sometimes other people can make helpful observations which you haven't seen yourself. True fact!

Stay out of your parents' marriage. Encourage them to talk to their friends if you must interfere.

Just stop and think what getting involved would mean.

How far would you like to get involved, if you start down that path? What about conversations with your mum about sex? After all you are subtly suggesting she might be sleeping with another man or is planning to. That might naturally lead to discussions of sex. What if she says your dad has never really satisfied her in bed? Or she says he is fantastic in the sheets but the erectile dysfunction of middle age is getting her down and he won't take viagra? What if she starts to tell you that really she has been unhappy for years but put a brave face on for the sake of the children? What if he says he misses the old days when she was all over him. He can't bear the thought of her getting it on with another man but he could maybe live with it they just kissed. Would you check her texts for him to see if they've been sexting? What if he starts making pointed passive aggressive comments in front of her to indicate that you've taken sides and you've joined his side? What if she is actually having an affair and is about to leave him?

Stay out of it! They need to talk to their mates about this stuff, not their daughter.

At least she is open about it. Lots of people have good friendships etc with members of the opposite sex and their spouses are non the wiser as they are good at segmenting.

I would just leave them to it.

I do think your mother seems to be acting very thoughtlessly. That said, I'd keep out of it.

The only advice you can give to your dad is to stop the PA remarks and join in her pleasure at her new found success. By joining her or at least encouraging her it will reduce any resentment she will start to feel towards him. Even if he can't genuinely feel at ease with it he will have to fake it.

His resentment will sour your mums enjoyment in her new life and make her resentful of him.

Maybe a quiet word to your mother just to point out how upsetting her behaviour is to her father will make her a little more understanding of him and kinder.

Tbh there's not much else you can do if your mums life has opened out and changed like this. She may want more than her previous life, and your dad, offered.

This is not uncommon when spouses achieve differing levels of success, especially if the successful spouse it totally seduced by money and status.

For a mum of adult children, suddenly having a successful and monied man look at you as not just a mum but a real person is a big confidence boost. Society tends to write off older women - you can't blame your mum for realising there is something more that she could do.

Same thing has happened to my adult niece BTW - she is having a way better time in her 40's than she had raising 2 kids in a council house in her twenties. However, it is not socially accepted that women can blossom later in life or that they stop focusing on their family and spouse to the exclusion of all else.

And you cannot act as marriage counsellor to your family - but you could point out to your mum that gushing about other blokes is a tad tactless.

I'm surprised people are saying that your dad should be supportive and pleased for your mum.
If it had been you saying you were worried that your DH was spending alone-time with a female colleague when away and raving about how wonderful they are, you'd have been firmly told that he was probably having an affair, and certainly disregarding the boundaries of your marriage .

It depends entirely how much they trust each other. It seems to me that your mum is very open about her life, and is hiding nothing. Perhaps your dad knows better? Perhaps your mum is having an affair and is hiding it by cleverly talking about the man as if nothing were going on? Is she that sort of person? It doesn't sound like it at all.

I suspect, therefore, that she is just enjoying her life and your dad is feeling inferior because he hasn't done as well as her. Well, he needs to get over that, doesn't he? It's far more likely that that will spoil things irrevocably, than your mum enjoying her success. Why should she kow-tow to his insecurity, pretend that she's not as successful as she is, because he needs to be pandered to? No, he needs to get over himself.

But yes, I do think that you have a part to play in this as you are part of the family; just be careful unless you are trained as a counsellor. You could do more harm than good.

Turn it around. "My dad's been really successful and tells us great stories about the places he's been and the things he's done, and the people he works with. Mum's not happy and makes pa remarks all the time."