Dad trying to make the fact he doesn't see his grandchildren my fault.

[twinkletoedelephant]

Just had a call from my sister.... My dad is apparently furious that he didn't come to my sons party at the weekend.

Rarely I saw him twice this week once he came to my home and saw all the party plates/balloons/banners/party stuff and once I went to his (at his invitation) for a cup of tea with him and his wife.

I told him and them together where and what time (he apparently has forgotten this)

He simply has no Intrest in his grandchildren since he married. I have 3 DC. At least 2 have additional needs ASD/ADHD one is still being assessed likely ASD as well. They are simply not safe at his house his wife leave medication knieves / sisors lying about and there is so much furniture there's no room for the kids to play/run/flap. I have said he is welcome anytime to see the children (he's retired) and could come with me to pick them up from school...but he Has never bothered.

Now it seems he is telling everyone how hard done by he is and how I am stopping him from seeing them.

I would go completely nc but I have a disabled brother in residential care so would still see him/contact him about my brother (who again he still barely sees and no longer has 'home')

I want to write to him to say what a spineless man he has become and how my (deceased) mum would be so disappointed in him and how he has behaved. Before she died he/they were typically doting grandparents... Then he met new wife and everything changed he no longer see any friends or family connected with my mum

I rember having to cuddle my daughter as she sobbed asking why grandad doesn't love her anymore... I stopped lying to the children that he was working/busy/any other excuse I could think of... But somehow this is all my fault.

I thought with a disabled child of his own he could help guide me with mine, but after hearing ds2 has ASD he said he would wait for him to outgrow it....

I am so angry I just need an outlet to vent a bit.

How fucking dare he bad mouth me for his own failings.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, twinkle DCs with SN are hard work and help from Grandparents can make so much difference, but you're getting more hassle from your (D)D that you just don't need! You sound like a lovely caring person, still finding time for your brother on top of all your immediate family commitments. There's no easy way to say this, but have you considered that your D may also have ASD? I ask because there is so often a genetic link. This might explain why he was doting while your DM was alive, she may have been the one engineering all the care and attention of GC. I have a similar situation with my DD & DSM. (((hugs)))

Did you tell your sister any of that? Does she know he is being melodramatic? Does she know he has dropped contact even with your DB?

Don't keep quiet about it, if she doesn't know. Tell her, keep her in the loop. The two of you may need each other in the near future. Don't let him poison that relationship.

Your Dad may be having problems of his own, is memory loss likely?

It does sound as if there is a memory loss issue, from what you say about telling them, then him saying he didn't know. Of course, we only have what you have posted to go on.

If you want him to see your DC, and he wants to see your DC, then I would issue him with very specific invitations. You will find out a lot from that.

Sneaky... but highly effective.

I have told him repeatably that's he's welcome anytime. He has not turned up a few times and i stopped telling the kids he was coming as they got so upset when he didn't appear or phoned with an excuse just before he arrived.
He promised dd he would make a costume for her school play... ,and not only didn't make it but strung it along so I had to bodge something together the night before. She has very high anxiety and nearly fell apart that this wasn't done.

His wife has done her fair share to alienate us she has been mean to the children and is always looking for any slights she think I have done. Its exhausting.

I just don't want to hear that he is bad mouthing me to all the people I grew up around (neighbours) and his side of the family.

Your sister acted as the flying monkey here by making that call to you. Why couldn't you dad phone you himself, no he moaned to his other DD instead and she called you. She allowed herself to be so used.

If fault is to be attributed at all here, it is all your dad's doing and not yours.

Do not bother writing to him though; your words will be simply used against you.

You could see your brother independently; your dad seemingly has nothing much more to do with him either. You have more than good reason to go no contact with your dad and his new wife now; they are emotionally hurting your children as well.

Your dad is truly spineless (he has probably always been so but your late mother probably held all the family together) and he has simply now put his "new" family in his new life ahead of his original family unit.

Why say to him though still that he is welcome anytime?. He will continue to disappoint you and let his grandchildren down. He is really not worth a second of your time now.

Thankyou Attila I just wanted someone to say that's its OK that I don't invest myself in him anymore I feel I have lost both my parents and have become OK with that...

Then I get stopped in the supermarket by his neighbours (who I grew up with) saying how sorry they were we couldn't make the party he had for halloween(that we knew nothing about) Or how sad he is that he doesn't get to see the children etc. I always put them straight but they always look very confused and try to backtrack..