He behaves atrociously and then goes running to my friends and mother

[CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat]

Name changed for this - split up with boyfriend of a few months.

I'm exceptionally happy about it.

We split up because he was a sex pest. I literally couldn't lie beside him in bed without him tugging down my pyjama bottoms; the final straw was when I woke up because his hands where they really shouldn't have been. I felt violated and disgusted.

Anyway, since then he has rang, text, private mailed on Facebook, emailed..I've blocked everything without reply. I told him when I ended it that I wanted to be left alone.

Now, he's bombarding my friends and my mother. Friends have told him where to go; mother (not surprisingly) has utmost sympathy for him and keeps telling me how cruel I am, for hurting such a "lovely man."

My mum is very old fashioned, despite her youth and refuses to consider that I have a sexual relationship with anyone; and even if I did tell her why I left him - she'd make an excuse for him and tell me that I was dreaming. We don't have a close relationship.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I am just so annoyed

You could have heard my jaw hitting the floor when I read about your mum's attitude. I'm 47 and quite frankly, if you were my DD, I'd not only be siding with you, I'd be beating this twat off to save you the trouble. And my mum, who is 71, would be joining me.

I'm so sorry your mum isn't supporting you. I hope you're getting the support you need from your friends.

I have tried for years to get her to open her eyes. She is not the woman to confide in. It's enraging; absolutely enraging when a terrible crime is reported on the news and "well I bet she was wearing a skirt up her arse and drunk."

I was out many a time, with a too short skirt and too much vodka

She wasn't abused as a child. Her marriage to my dad has been fine, ups and downs like everyone else. He has, and continues to be, physically abusive to me. But that's a different story.

But aside from that. She's fucking texting ex right now. I only called by to pick up my purse and I've been met with a shaking head

Good god. I thought you were going to say she was 95. Some of my elderly Irish aunties have some odd ideas...but bloody hell, I'm almost her age and DH is older.

I would tell her full story and ask her, no tell her to cut contact with your ex. If she doesn't, over to you, but I dont think I'd be putting a lot of effort into maintaining ties with your parents.

Fuck I know exactly the sort of person you mean when you talk about your mum, and the type of parochial attitudes of the people there.

Sadly, it doesn't matter how you explain what he did to your mum, she won't get it. She just doesn't equate non consensual sex/touching as anything other than "men doing what they're supposed to do". You won't change her mind, as incredible as that sounds to normal people, she just thinks you're wrong, and unfairly kicking up a fuss/punishing the poor boy.

I guess you don't want to fall out with your mum either, so don't waste time trying to explain it to her. It's just one of the things she won't be on your side about. (urgh, I feel dirty even typing this, but these people do exist, and it's sort of not even your Dm's fault).

Well done for seeing it as it really is, and your ex for what he is, and having the strength to walk away. You should be really proud of yourself. That takes guts, especially when you've not had the best of examples of relationships growing up. You're a credit to yourself OP

Keep ignoring the rapey ex. Hopefully he'll work it out soon.

Go NC with your mother. She has no right to any contact with you when she fails to protect you from a physically abusive father, and pressures you to stay with a sexually abusive boyfriend. She is not a real mother and you would be better off without her.

Please find people who will be such good friends they feel like family. And never look back.

I'm shocked at your mum too. I'm from NI and almost the same age, but sadly I know the type. That's one of the (many) reasons I got the hell out of NI asap. If I was you I'd be very blunt with her and tell her in detail what he was doing to you, if that doesn't sink in, I'd cut her off. You don't need that shit!

Another one shocked here and I'm way older than your mum, but obviously age has nothing to do with. But really you could split up with him because you don't like the way he walks and she should support you. You don't have to have a good reason to stop going out with someone.

She's very controlling isn't she, not 'letting' you dump a boyfriend? You're probably the only thing she thinks she has any control over.

It's so wrong.

Your dad is physically abusive! Dear god you have a lot on your plate with these two. They don't actually deserve you. if it were me I would be avoiding seeing either of them as much as possible.

Why do you see either of them?

You can split up with a boyfriend for any reason at all, or shock horror, no reason!

And it certainly doesn't have to be a mother approved reason FFS!

Thank you so much for understanding. To give a quick background on this - in my family, men are to be obeyed and "own" their women so therefore, in their fucked up views, my dad has every right to hit me as I am HIS child. I am a grown woman with a mortgage ffs. I grew up hoping he'd stop hitting me at 16, 18, 21, 25 etc.. He has been told if he ever lays a finger on me again, I'll be ringing the police. But it only happens maybe once or twice a year now.

The worst time wasn't even strictly violence. He made me sit on the stairs. On the "naughty step, like a little six year old." He stuck his fingers in his ears and jumped up and down like a complete lunatic saying "look, I'm mental Craig." I was crying at this point and he threw a basin of cold water over me.

I had to be thankful to my mum because she didn't actually let him hit me. But she still stood by while he abused me.

Pathetic I know.

But, I wouldn't never let any boyfriend treat me this way. Nor, would I ever let any man treat his/our children this way. So I am aware enough to see that it isn't right.

sounds so grim, written down

Craig, well done on recognising abusive behaviour and kicking that loser into touch despite your horrific parents. That's not an easy thing to do when you've been brought up with warped ideas of what's acceptable.

As for your family, they continue to be abusive to you. In your shoes I would be going non-contact, you have your own lovely family now and you don't need them being around such toxic people.

Unfortunately I did think 'sounds like my nana' (who is from Derry) when I read this.

Grandad was a completely abusive bastard. She put up with as it was her job to make him happy, apparently. He treat all four of his daughters the same way and until recently they were all doing 'I am your favourite daughter aren't I?' Dance.

He has destroyed our family. He is a twat and tbh I blame nana somewhat for allowing it and making her daughters believe it's the right way. Nana was controlling of her kids in her own way. They couldn't make a decision that she didn't agree with etc.

Luckily for me, my dad is completely different and when grandad tried it with me, Dad made it perfectly clear it wasn't going to carry on.

Surprisingly all my male cousins can't do anything wrong in his eyes. I cut complete contact with him about 7 years ago and my brother didn't even invite him to his wedding.

Both you parents are abusive. Just differently. The fact that she is trying to manipulate you to get back together with a man who sexually assaults you, because she likes him, is disgusting.

Oh, I know they are both SO charming to everyone. The amount of times I've heard "your wee mummy and daddy are lovely" is unreal.

I think mum knows if she stands up for me; he'll leave her. She's terrified of being on her own. Literally can't cope without him. And he has zero respect for women. Plus, they've been together that long, she has no life outside their home. Sure, she has a fantastic job but she doesn't socialise with anyone, except my dad.

It's a very weird set up.

Thank you for saying that I can leave someone for no reason, if I want to. Even though I had a very valid reason to. And I am exceptionally happy by myself. I'm still in my twenties; no rush for a husband

It's hard when a close family member (particularly a mother) is wonderful to everyone else and shitty to you, op. My mother died unexpectedly last year and my heart contracted a bit further every time someone told me what a wonderful teacher she was and how she'd given them the confidence to succeed in work and life. Just me who was a fat useless disappointment then.

Most people in RL can't imagine that sort of relationship, but we understand it here. Keep your head high and keep ignoring the twats; it will do you good and also drive them nuts as it doesn't fit their predicted script. You are doing great