Making me feel crazy

[LouisaCee]

Hi. Sorry this is my first ever post but needed to ask people if they think i'm acting crazy or not?

Me & my partner have been together 5 years, have 2 year old together.

It's always been rocky but we've managed.

He started a new job a year ago and since he's become a bit off an arse. He was always arsey but it's gotten worse.

He's lazy and doesn't help me much. Anyway - The other week I found he had credit cards, loans and overdrafts I had no idea about. Accumulating debts behind my back. We talked, all was forgiven. I then found a week later he was using Tinder as it was in his recently closed apps. He was sat next to me at the time. We spoke, he said he'd been using it (alongside another app) to see who liked him. And that he had not been talking to other women/men.

Since working at this new place he seems to be very disrespectful of women and keeps constantly rating women out of 10. "But you shouldn't worry because you're a 9" - his reaction when I had an issue with this.

I found 10 days before our daughters birthday he'd asked a mate if they could go get stoned together. This happens to also have the week where we had to borrow cash to buy birthday presents and do a food shop.

Last week he went out drinking, never had an issue with him going out. This week, he went out again, again no problem. However, a few days prior he was begging me for cash to cover our rent (he wanted the child benefit). Yet he can still afford to get drunk?

When he came in from his latest night out I found his friend had drove them both home and was over the limit. Also my partner had been controlling the gears to the car whilst in this state. Then he told me some girl had been over to their table that night, crawling over all the men and sucking their tongues... And my partner got pictures of it. This woman also offered to suck my partner off.
This night had told me he'd be home after 1 drink. So i kept our daughter up to see him for an hour. Six hours later he walks through the door.

Because i've expressed there's a problem with his behaviour I'm a 'crazy bitch', 'fucking stupid' and 'no fun'.
He's refusing to apologise for hurting my feelings.

He's making me feel like I'm crazy. And he's making it feel like its all in my head and my fault there's issues with our relationship.

Thoughts?

You need to get rid of him asap. He has already managed to seriously mess with your perception of what is normal and right. Let me guess - he has you genuinely believing that you saying to him, "I don't want you to go out" is controlling behaviour on your part, right? Wrong! If you're in a relationship, and particularly if you're a parent, the question of do I have the right to go out (which you always do) has to be tempered by questions such as 'can we afford it', 'have I checked with the other parent that childcare is covered?', does my partner have the same freedom to go out as I do?' 'and many more.

Anyone who prioritises drink and drugs over family needs doesn't deserve said family. They can have bucketloads of sympathy from me about being an addict (because if they can't or won't give up drink/drugs for the sake of family harmony then that is exactly what they are), but seeing them as victims does not alter the fact that no one else should have to tolerate the fallout from their addiction-based behaviour. All addicts are fundamentally selfish because that is part of the pattern of maintaining the addiction even if they are/were otherwise very unselfish people. Selfishness is a terrible starting point for a relationship or parenthood.

The most disturbing thing about your post is being called 'crazy bitch' 'fucking stupid' and 'no fun' in response to calling him on behaviour that the vast majority of people would consider unacceptable. He is abusive. My DP has never spoken to me like that, nor I to him.

I think you've fallen into the classic trap of trying too hard to be the 'cool' girlfriend and the very opposite of controlling/possessive partner. And it's backfired because you've done it with a self-centred, abusive loser who has substance abuse issues. You cannot reason with unreasonable people. Any attempt you make to discuss this will somehow be turned back on you - next you know he'll be telling you he only goes out to have 'fun' because you're not 'fun' at home or giving him enough sex or whatever. It will somehow become your responsibility to manage his behaviour so that when he goes off the rails, that's your fault as well.

Think very carefully about what you are modelling for your DD here and LTB. You both deserve so much better.