partner of one year being very needy or am i insensitive?

[Chocolate99]

Evening all, met a man, had a few successful if close together dates, got the impression he wanted to see me more frequently than i has time to give so eneded it. 1 week later he came to my rescue so decided to give him another go. he has been fantastic through rough times, makes me laugh, a gentleman, fab sex etc. That being said, he has no friends, no hobbies, only works and sees his 3 kids when his ex deigns it convenient for her. very acrimonous split, he left her as unhappy after 25 years, she does not encourage the children to see him one iota unless she has plans. As a result he has an awful lot of spare time, whereas i do not, single parent work full time with another business on the side and lots of friends and hobbies.

After 18 months, i have only met his DD who is similar age to my child once for a brief period. On the other hand he stays over at mine a couple of times in the week after childs bedtime and saturday, soending sunday with me and my child. This was becoming a bit of habit and i noticed my child playing up on sundays, obviously jealous and felt like every sunday was spent trying to give them both attention, very stressful. I decided last month to reduce the overnight stays and discourage us doing things together every sunday and it has been so much better as i have not felt like i was constantly telling my child off for being naughty etc. I did is for a few weeks and realised that we were playing happy famiiies with my child but there was none of this going on atnhis end, with his children. Somewhat of an uneven balance.

he wondered what was going on with less time spent together and i told him 2 weeks ago that i thought it best if we only see each other when ex husband has child overnight. At the time he said he was fine but i have noticed him becoming less affectionate, less kisses on texts etc. He asked last week if we wanted to do anything today and i said that i had plans with child. Tonight he has rang me, clearly upset and frustrated saying he hates being by himself all the time, doesnt understand why we cant soend time together, he hates being alone all day like he was today etc. says he feels i am blaming him for childs behavious when he is there.

he has no set contact with his children and when his ex says jump he says how high, he is a coward when it comes to disagreei with her, even if its about seeing the kids. peronsally i would never let my ex sabotage my relationship with my child but he just shrugs his shoulders and reverts to type, her telling him what to do. So basically after 18 months he still hasnt got the guts to ask ex if his kids can have a play date with me and mine. I am put off him by this, for not having the guts to stand up to her about something as important as seeing your kids regularly, he has made it clear that he would like to move in with me, there is absolutely no way that will happen if i havent met his kids?! and if his ex tells him what to do all the time, therefore her whims impacting on the life of me and my child.

I should say that i like spending time by myself, always have. he says when he is by himself all the time it messes with his head, makes him depressed, says he is only happy when he is with me etc. he comes across as quite needy, i am very independent and find it off putting. he has said numerous times that he is going to sort regular access out, sort divorce, sort a play date etc and it never happens, i suspect because it is habit of 25 years of her calling the shots. He promised again tonight that he would get a playdate sorted but he has been saying that for the past year so i cant quite see wheere this is going, if anywhere. When i am with him, when my child is at her dads, we have a great time and he is good company, but when my child is here they are my priority and he just doesnt seem to get it, or want to get it.

I told him that if we ever had playdate where his child played up he would understood how conflicted it can feelwanting them both to be happy but as that had never happened he couldnt understand it. Am i just being a selfish insensitive person or were my first instincts right - he is just too needy for me? Xx

Interesting point, Minx, sorry if I misunderstood

That's ok I'm often vague and abstract !

Oh come on mini you made it quite clear what you thought about what you consider the fripperies of life (the way you deceive people getting their fulfilment from things like cosmetics and fb likes was clearly not a compliment from you). You also said that you didn't believe a "march towards being alone" shouldn't be embraced uncritically. You weren't vague at all.

But this op's life isn't part of a social trend as you describe it. It's her life. One that she has worked hard to build up. She isn't alone. She has friends and family and dc. Just because she doesn't want to be with s partner 24/7 doesn't mean she wants to be alone.

As for the pp who said nobody wants to see their DP twice a week and implied the op was immature for doing so. Well clearly somebody does...the op. And, I suspect, many many other women who aren't prepared to just give up their hard fought independence just because a man clicks his fingers.

Neither of you is in the wrong. It just seems like the wrong fit.
That being said while there is no obligation to be full of hobbies it certainly (imo) makes for a more interesting life. Something to talk about.

It's not the two times a week vs the wanting to move in together that's the issue, it's that he seems to be a bit of a passive wet rag.

I've met tonnes of middle-aged divorced/separated men like this - they basically are looking for a woman to "give them" a life so they can be mothered.

I suspect he is expecting the OP to sort out things with his children, negotiate/do the heavy lifting with the ex-wife, and nurture him. The fact that he doesn't even have the backbone to sort out his own divorce speaks volumes.

It's not immature to want to restrict sex/dating activity to once or twice a week. The shift away from making the couple-relationship the centre of a woman's life is a good thing, not a bad one. OP is not 'alone' she has DC, family and friends. She just doesn't want a dead weight of a man sitting around whining at her, and she is quite right.

He hasn't properly pursued contact with his DC and instead wants you to fulfil him?

Bleugh.

No no, I didn't say that Facebook likes or cosmetics or hobbies or anything else was frippery. Critically...simply means without question. And some questions don't give up easy answers do they.

Of course women have greater financial and social independence and that is a good thing. I do also wonder what a deadbeat man might possibly add to my life. I think it's also perfectly possible to have a fulfilling and lovely relationship two days a week and live separately. But both parties must want the same.

Why is it that to point out a growing social trend is equal to being against it? It's observation that's all.

Don't be disingenuous Mini! You are perfectly aware of the tone of your first post! It was highly pejorative

OP you sound like you have a lovely life. Well done for finding time to spend with your DC alone.

Let me play devils advocate here (humour me)

On the surface it could be argued that you have someone here who has no commitment issues and is into you. Potentially pulling back as you have started to do.

I personally have alarm bells over his lack of involvement with his DC's. That would be a total deal breaker for me. A man that can walk away from his own children in the way wouldn't bat an eyelid at leaving me and my DC's in the future.

No thanks

Thanks very much for the comments ladies, pretty much all valid points. I do want to see someone more than twice a week its not just sex, but when that more than twice a week would involve spending time with em and my child, i think it needs to be shared, the spendign time with each others children. In a nutshell he was asking me to put myself and child in a position he wasnt prepared to put his own children in.

neither of us wanted to re marry. We envisaged at the start that if all went well at some point he would move in with me. That cannot possibly happen if i havent met his children, its a total no way.

he states his wife from whom he is seperated 2 years will not allow her children ro meet me. She totally has him under the thumb after 25 years of being together and whilst i undetsnad that is a habit that isnt easy to break, i dont want my life being controlled through her and if he cant stand up to her, then where will it end.q she dictates when he sees the children which is very ad hoc, whereas myself and ex have regular rota so we all know where we stand.

Long story short i told him i didnt want him to be unhappy when he fould meet someone who is there for him as much as he wants me to be. i tod him i wasnt prepared so spend more time with him and my child when there is nothing coming back the other way, seems ridiculous and what exactly would be the point long term?

Both very upset as we have a great time together, have lots of fun and get on really really well. seeems such a waste when it could have been good if he would just stand up for himself.

thanks for the support once again xxx

It could have been good, but just wasn't and was unlikely to be. Your logic and decision makes sense.