Huge fall out with abusive/ neglectful parent...

[Neverletmego27]

I am a single Mum, one dd, just turned 8. Never had any contact with my Mum, she left the family when I was 7 due to mental health issues.Her boyfriend sexually abused and raped me when I was 5-7. My Dad looked after us but was abusive and neglectful - domestic violence, never fed us, never had clean clothes or hot water to wash with. Forgot my birthday, drank all of the family money, we had a horrible time. Just recently, (past 18 months), I had psychosis, depression, anxiety and ptsd. Friends helped me out and now I'm doing my Masters degree and loving it.

My Dad and I fell out because he keeps wanting to see us and I keep avoiding it as it makes my flashbacks and PTSD worse. long story short, today I snapped and told him I had PTSD because of my past and I coudn't see him anymore. I feel awful, in tears for being such a bitch to him. We had a bit of a row on the phone and then I sent him the following e-mail :

Dad

You obviously don't want to talk to me after I sent that text - fair enough. I think you need to know that the way that you treated me when I was younger was no way to treat a child and has left me with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety. My friends have been helping me because I have been ill and you don't have the right to question that. I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, particularly with regard to dd.

You might think that things were Ok when we were growing up- but they were far from it, and have had long lasting effects on both db and I as adults. As a parent myself I almost cannot believe the abuse and neglect we suffered at your hands.

You might not like to hear this, but it is the truth. This is why I am reluctant to spend time with you. If you would like to dd [name removed by MNHQ] then that can be arranged, but seeing you at the moment makes my illness' worse, so I'm afraid until we can talk this through properly I won't be seeing you.

I feel bloody awful! How do I ever apologise to him for being so nasty? Can we ever salvage a relationship from this? I lost my temper and now I feel terrible.

I think you have made some very brave and strong decisions. I also think the best way to continue to be brave and string and a good parent is to have no contact with your father and make sure your children don't either.

Take care

I think it's very unhealthy for you to have contact with your dad and also your brother, given both are in denial about your past. Your brother sounds in terrible shape, but you're not responsible for him. You have your own family and it sounds as though you're doing a fantastic job of looking after them.

Please talk to your psychologist about going no contact with them.

Thank you for all of the replies. I was a bit upset last night thinking I'd be on my own now as I have no other family, but I'm quite lucky in that I have amazing friends.

I don't have anything to say except you sound amazing

Good on you for being strong enough to set boundaries for your own life. You are not the one who should be apologising for anything.

You have PTSD, depression and anxiety and are still twice the person that either your father or disgusting mother were. I hope you feel well enough to smile at how wonderfully you are actually doing.

I think you should leave him out of your life especially if he brings out negative memories and cant acknowledge what he did wrong.

i have such a father hes nevrr apologised for what he did to us or my mother . He still has a violent streak ie will shout so loud to instill fear or if he is criticised. He did this recently and i told him ur not behaving like this in my house u did this while i was growing up. Im looking after you my siblings have refused they left u in ur waste. No excuse but he treated us badly they have zero affection for him u wouldnt leave ur enemy like that wud u? I somehow feel sorry for him no matter wat hes my dad
so ive accepted him but mentally hes not healthy for me.

Like others havr said ur father is toxic ur better off without him believe me. These ppl rarely change my dad hasnt just more subdued in old age andwants care so more compliant. Not once has he apologised for beating my brothers and mother to a pulp. My earliest memory waiting for dad to drop me off nursery and bro to p1 he thought hed grapple with mum on floor then put knife to her throat allcoz she askwd for her benefits to pay bills put food on table he barely worked. I remember us screaming pleading. Then he acts all normal walks us to school?. I dont know how ive taken to caring for him i try toblock it out.

For you i would say not worth it cut him out of ur life i would if dad wasnt ill and i wasnt so pathetically weak.

Thanks for all of the replies. I just wanted to update. I've fracturedmy foot, and so begrudingly had to ask Dad for help today with shopping.

He started even before we had met up, telling me on the phone that the world didn't revolve around me because I suggested a time to meet, saw me on my crutches and said I looked like a person from 'x' place (where a lot of unemployed, in poverty and disabled people live- a sad place. We grew up there). I only broke my foot on Monday (a fall) so I took two crutches because of the distance we were walking and he said "oh you can walk". I thought fair enough it does look like I can if I walk short distances (which I can now but with pain). Then when he realised I couldn't walk very well he started shouting at me to hurry up. Then we were out and he kept pointing out people with mobility scooters saying "that'll be you soon" then pointing out other people use walking aids and saying "see?" . Then he started going on to his friend on the phone that I was "walking like a flid" because I was really struggling after a while. Then when we got home I showed him my foot (now swollen and black/blue bruises) and he went "oh yeah maybe you do need help walking". This is on top of complaining about xmas and calling a disabled person who parked in front of his garage a c**t. When I nearly fell over he laughed and said "you nearly went then."

I'm starting to think he's just a horrible man.

Contact council for help while you're unable to walk well. If they can't help themselves there may be a charity that can, or online shop? Anything to have nothing to do with this arse!

I think he just thought he was being funny, but it was bordering on the ridiculous.

About what happened today - ask yourself this: Would you behave like that to your DD when she is grown up, has injured herself and needs your help?

I think the answer is obvious and should tell you all you need to know about your dad. You need to find the strength to cut him and your brother our of your life completely. You have amazing friends - make then the focus of your life and your DD's life. You deserve that.

Talk to your counsellor about your conflicted feelings and I hope you are being honest about the abuse you have suffered rather than minimising it - you need all the support you can get.

agreed. on line shopping.

This sort of humour belongs in the gutter heading downwards to the sewer. Yes, he's just a horrible man.

Of course I wouldn't do that to dd. I don't drive, and so went with him in the car (have been getting on buses but it's not good for the pain) . To be honest, I was surprised by how nasty he was today or maybe I'm just seeing it for the first time.

No, of course you would not do such a thing. So why do you not get the righteous rage when your own father does it to you? I think you've started to open your eyes to who he really is. Don't close them again. Walk away from him and have the life you deserve.

What a sorry excuse for a human being he is.

You don't need his crap.