Abusive? Narcissist?

[Trystessa]

Hi ladies I'm new here and looking for some support , I think I know the answer to my dilemma as I deal with problems as a job , I do social work with young people leaving care and I work with predominately young women , however I'm great with other peoples problems but shit with my own and friends and family look to me to be the strong one especially as I'm knocking 50 !
However , I've been with my partner 7 years living with him 3 years , I came out of a 23 year marriage with nearly nothing but luckily no debt and 2 lovely supportive sons ! My now boyfriend suggested 3 years ago that I move in as I was struggling to pay rent and support my eldest in uni , he said I could stay and we could. Save to buy our own place in a couple of years as he has a tiny one bed in London that he could take equity out of to help us buy too. A lovely generous partner and a wicked cook too also he's affectionate , sounds perfect !!!
However I'm like a cat on a hot ton roof , he is so demanding wants things done when he wants it done attention when he wants it , I have to watch TV if he turns on a programme we have taped for both of us I can't be online and watch too I have to give it my fullest attention , I cannot talk about my stresses at work as he says he can't cope with listening to me but I can't not listen to him as he would be cross over that , if I bring up the hypocrisy of it all I am just making it all about me !
A good example was the holiday this year, first one in 3 years , we got to the place he chose and was recommended by his friend , it was beautiful , tons of lovely bars and resteraunts right on the beach , but he wasn't happy , too quiet , too chilled , no one was talking to him the fridge in the room was too small !! Then unfortunately the cleaner left her bleach in a water bottle in our room , he put in the fridge as he thought I'd left it out and I drunk it , scary stuff , but in between throwing up , rinsing and gargling with cold water I got myself seen by staff and taken to hospital he got cross with me as I couldn't show him where the insurance doc was and then when I was treated and back safely I was accused of not asking how he was !!

Am I being unfair as I feel like I'm going mad , he can be so lovely but so bloody hard work too arghhhh !

It doesn't sound great, to be honest. Was his suggestion that you move in with him actually for your benefit or was it so that he could have an audience whenever he wanted?

It's good that you came here, just to check, but we both know you already know the answer. It's what you'd tell one of your young female care leavers.

Take care.

he put in the fridge as he thought I'd left it out

You sure about that?

He sounds appalling. Have you had a read of Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?

It's ask about him, isn't it? He could be a narcissist; he could just be nasty.

Google Alexandra Nouri. She writes some wonderful snarky stuff about narcissists.

And whatever you decide, yes he is bad for you. Because clearly he believes you are unimportant.

all about him, obvs..

I've been thinking about this all night. Why would a professional cleaner, who presumably doesn't want to get sacked, be carrying bleach around in a small bottle that's otherwise be drunk from. And when she moved in to the next room without her bleach why didn't she come back for it?

Thank you for replying it's so great to get some viewpoints , believe me it was a scary scenario , it was a fairly middle of the road hotel so I don't think proffesional is the right word ! She was using the squirty drinks bottles as they were easier to use ! She said , in her broken English that she couldn't remember where she left it, it was in our bathroom , I was using a similar bottle of water to clean my teeth , I saw tho bottle , thought it was my partners and left it there , he thought it was mine and put it in the fridge , the rest is history , I was very very lucky as I swallowed I realised with. The smell and the burning and threw it straight up and then just kept swilling , gargling ice cold water in between trying to get attention threw sign language as I couldn't talk what had happened , they got my partner and eventually took me to hospital , I was v lucky it was bleach and cleaner not pure bleach so I just had a v sore throat ! The manager promised me faithfully they would correct this as it could have been a child and fatal or v damaging so I haven't taken it further as I'm glad I'm ok , however as I said my partner was not supportive and felt he had not been considered once I was happy and back ,the hotel were treating me really great , free ice cream for the rest if the holiday , full board vouchers etc but he was not happy !

Thanks for the fast reply , great to get some support , you are right and yes I do council myself all the time , I've now decided to move forward and to focus on me ! I need to get the strength to leave , I've seen this a million times where the critical one breaks the victim down , without knowing it this has happened to me ! I need to now move forward

Thank you for that I will definately look it up , I do think he did it as a mistake it was I a squirty water bottle and I was using one similar to brush my teeth , however I could just be trying not to think about the other possibility too !!

Hi
Thank you for that info , yes I will check that book out , thanks for taking the time to write back to me , I'm hoping being on here may help me move forward , I did look at relate counselling for me but they wanted 40 a session , I can't afford that and I do understand the psychology around it I just need some strength through comaradarie , I think I will look into finding a freedom programme too !

He sounds like a nob with no respect for women.

Do you know he will tell you he has the utmost respect for women , but a pretty scary intimate time recently made me sit up and think , I actually think it may have been what woke me up and gave me a shake ! Of course he said he was just being kinky and I was boring , this was off the scale though ! Thanks for replying though

Yes he is abusive. If he is like this with other people in his life then he's a narcissist. If it's just to the woman he's in a relationship with then he's emotionally abusive women. I hope you get the Lundy Bancroft book today. It's the most important book I've ever read. You can do the freedom programme online. Register today. It's £20. Then you can log in whenever. Please leave him.

Thanks for the prompt reply , I will get the book on my kindle today , I am familiar with the Freedom programme but what I need from it is to go over it with like minded women , I need the camaraderie for strength , I didn't realise how my strength is sapped until now, the good thing about being older is I know I will get my strength back and I know I will move on on my own and be ok ! Thank you , x

So this year there has been a dice with bleach, and a scary sexual encounter.
Doesnt sound good, and sounds like its cranking up.
I dont often say this, but I am worried for you, very worried.
Have you anywhere you can disappear to quickly
Nothing gets attention like having a girlfriend who died in tragic circumstances, and its a wonderful pick up line for the next vulnerable woman

Well the cleaner agreed she had left the bleach but didn't know where ! So I do think that was a mistake but yes the scary sex was a wake up call , no there is nowhere I can disappear too , he has made himself adored by all my family and I've not got friends who can do that ! But I am saving like crazy , to be able to set myself up independently ! Thank you for showing so much concern though ! Xx

Tryst have you ever gone against him when he's told you to get offline or not done something when he has asked you to. What was his reaction when you disobeyed him?

I have loads , sat there and tried to have an adult conversations as well , I about how his behaviour , criticisms , etc etc make me feel , he always manages to turn it back on me ! I'm being dramatic , I'm making more of it than I should , I'm taking his critisms of me too personally !! It's just exhausting He's never got physically mad and hit me but the recent issue in sex was an eye opener and I have had loads of things wrong with me since to avoid sex , he doesn't care really either and our sex life is a bit shit too as he is never really that bothered about it ! X

And all the turning it back on to you are classic responses of a controlling abudive man. Means nothing that he hasn't been physically intimidating. He invalidates your feelings and manipulates you into doing things you don't want to do. Is there really no way for you to move out now? It's a miserable way to live.

Do you know it's so nice to chat to women and have a bit of support , your concern and kind words are so thoughtful thanks , I will get out I just need to do one thing at a time and I'm saving hard so I can just go and set myself up to rent somewhere small ! I will watch carefully as he definately is harder than he was 2-3 years ago , I can go and stay on my parents sofa every now and again to get a break ! Thank you so much to all of the replys I've downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book and left a message for the local freedom programme coordinator , great things are so easy to find now these days , sleep well everyone and thanks again x