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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship breakdown after miscarriage :(

26 replies

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 19:49

I really need a bit of advice, I am feeling so low :(

Me and DP have already a 4 year old DS and recently decided to try again. We were lucky on first try and conceived but unfortunately at almost 5 weeks we lost the baby :(.
The day before I started bleeding DP stayed out for drinks with friends and ended up staying at his friends rather than getting the last train back, I was obviously furious as he didn't let me know and just walked In at 7.30am hungover, and we argued massively.

The day of the miscarriage he was supportive in his own way but the day after he said he was going to stay the night at his mums (5 mins down the road) to clear his head and deal with it all. He stayed there 3 nights and came back today.

I asked him to talk and he shut me down in flames, we argued again and I ended up in the heat of the argument telling him the stress he put me under the days before mc probably didn't help matters.

He threw his key at me and has just left.. I know that was an awful thing to say and now feel awful. I so want this to work but don't know how we will ever get through this :(. Don't know how it got so bad over just a few weeks.

OP posts:

KeepOnMoving1 · 21/11/2015 19:53

Sorry about the Mc op I think both of you are affected by it, however he should not have left you and ds for 3 days!
You should apologize for the comment today but it's understandable given he left you to deal with this on your own.

buymeabook · 21/11/2015 19:58

Sorry about the mc.

You say it's gone downhill over the last few weeks. Did it not feel right before he went out then? It does seem like odd behaviour staying at his mums for 3 days. It's not just you that he was leaving but your ds too.

dontaskdonttell · 21/11/2015 19:58

I agree with keeponmoving, he should never have left you alone for 3 days after a miscarriage, especially as you have your son to look after. I would be furious. Yes apologise for what you said, but he needs to recognise he is also in the wrong.

Do you think you can move on from this? Do you want to stay together? People react in very different ways to things, this could be how he deals with big stuff, can you handle that?

I am so sorry for your loss, and this lack of support is shocking keep talking on here!

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 19:59

Thank you for replying!
As soon as I said it I felt awful, have tried calling him and he blocks the calls, I've sent a text saying I am really sorry it was uncalled for but I am just hurting!
I let him have his own space as I thought people deal with emotion in different ways but it has been a real struggle physically going through the mc whilst also looking after ds, the dog and the house trying to keep a smile on my face!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 21/11/2015 20:02

Op you have the least to be sorry for in how you acted. He on the other hand has behaved terribly. What kind of family man gets in at 7.30am from a night out hungover and the disappears for 3 days while his wife has a miscarriage and leaves her to look after their 4 year old alone ?!! That's a really shitty thing to do to you. I'd be absolutely livid.

Pooseyfrumpture · 21/11/2015 20:04

He left you alone after a miscarriage and with your son so he could go home to Mummy? And he's annoyed with you ? Really?

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 20:06

I'm not sure if we will be able to move on from this.. I love him so much and desperately want to make it work for the sake of our DS as he is generally a wonderful father. But I just can't see where we can go from here, I suggested counselling and he snapped "if I don't want to talk to you I don't want to talk to a counsellor, stop pushing me".

thank you all for the support, it has been hard as I only have one friend who knew I was pregnant and I don't want to moan about dp to my immediate family.

OP posts:

KeepOnMoving1 · 21/11/2015 20:08

So now he's blocking you and run of again? He's behaving so awfully! Does he not even care about his ds knowing that you are fragile. Just stop trying to contact him, you don't need that on top of everything else.

dontaskdonttell · 21/11/2015 20:09

It sounds to me like he's going to use what you said as justification for how he is behaving, he's going to play to victim, whereas like a pp said, you have the least to be sorry for!!

Did he tell his mum about the mc? Because if one of my sons behaved like him I'd be giving him a kick up the backside and telling him to get home to you immediately!!

buymeabook · 21/11/2015 20:10

A wonderful father doesn't go awol for 3 days, or turn up hungover, expecting you to do everything. It sounds to me like he's leapt on what you said as an excuse to be even more of an arse.

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 20:14

He had told his mum as I got a half hearted "hope you are okay" text from her. He is not very emotional and doesn't communicate his feelings, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt needing a bit of space. Not coming back all week though just gave me the impression he puts his feelings above ours. I had text him in that time saying I found it unfair he had just left me to look after ds on my own, he told me to bring him to his mums and he would have him there.. I am obviously trying to stop this affecting ds and trying to keep things as normal as possible for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 20:23

No it hadn't been great before he went out, we planned the pregnancy but after I found out I was he became distant and uninterested in the pregnancy, I just assumed perhaps he was still taking it all in and hoped he would change by the time we had scans etc.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 21/11/2015 20:49

Don't take offence at this but could there be someone else? Does he often go out until very late or overnight with friends and do you know who these friends are? I only ask because my ex left me under similar circumstances even to the same disappearing act to his mums (he carried on seeing ow while he was there telling his mum he was going out with friends)! Just the fact you said he became distant around the pregnancy etc and things haven't been great and the going out rings alarm bells a bit for me. I may be completely wrong though!

BathtimeFunkster · 21/11/2015 20:55

Where was he really the night he stayed out all night?

This man treats you horribly.

Your stress that night probably didn't help.

You can't "make this work".

Your supposed partner abandoned you and your son when you were having a miscarriage and he's not even sorry.

AuntMabel · 21/11/2015 20:56

You said something in the heat of the moment which you've acknowledged was unkind. You've apologised, but he has behaved appallingly - where's his apology?

Not supporting you through the hideousness of miscarriage especially when you have a young child to manage is bad enough, but staying out all night, refusing to discuss it, running home to mummy? What a selfish prick. I wouldn't be rushing a key back to him.

Think carefully about wanting this relationship to work for the sake of your DS - what advice would you give him if he treated a future partner the way his father is currently treating you?

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 20:58

Fairy no offence taken, I don't think there is anyone else, he rarely goes out and this is the first time in a long time (pre ds) that he has stayed overnight. Obviously I could never be 100% sure but his spare time outside of work he is normally at home with us, I also would be suprised as he is very vocal about his feelings on cheating as his mum cheated on his dad resulting in divorce. I did worry perhaps there was an interest in someone else though, after putting ds to bed tonight he put his shoes on and I asked "is there somewhere you'd rather be.." And he asked what I am accusing him of, I don't want to push him further without anything to back up the worry if that makes sense!

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Mermaidhair1 · 21/11/2015 21:05

I really feel for you. Your dh left you when you needed him the most. It's disgusting behaviour from him. Yes you shouldn't have said what you did, but it doesn't come close to what he has done. If I were the dm, I would have marched him back home to look after his family.

AyeAmarok · 21/11/2015 21:42

Very poor behaviour from him.

I think things like this stay with you, even when you "make up", there will always be moments in future where you remember that he left you at your most vulnerable, that he wasn't there for you.

So sorry about your MC OP

goddessofsmallthings · 21/11/2015 21:43

Playing the victim card can cause others to play the victim and it appears this is what he's doing by choosing to stay away instead of staying put and working through his own and your feelings.

Regardless of his alleged desire to have another dc, you would be ill-advised to ttc with this man again until he has proved that he's capable of acting like an adult and is wholeheartedly committed to your relationship.

Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 22:26

goddess I think you are right, I am not a particularly emotional person and this will be the first properly emotional hard time we have gone through together really, so I wonder whether he can't cope with me feeling so down and is choosing to put his feelings first as to avoid facing mine?
I'm really shocked with how he has handled the whole situation and because he won't communicate with me I have no idea how he is feeling. I don't think I will see his mother in the same way again after her supporting him to leave us so he can sort himself out without encouraging him to be here for our family.

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Original poster

MummyC92 · 21/11/2015 22:30

Aye I think this will always stick in my mind, and if we do work things out I don't know how I feel about ever ttc again, when if anything were to go wrong I could be faced with it alone again.

OP posts:

Epilepsyhelp · 21/11/2015 22:40

It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship a bit; it sounds like he did so when you fell pregnant. Could his feelings have changed towards you do you think?

Eminado · 21/11/2015 23:26

Gosh. OP I am very sorry for your loss.

I have been sat here reliving my miscarriage experience and I am horrified for you. I am so sorry but i think your partner is a total and utter shit.

I miscarried and had to look after my 2yo and I was devastated - and my dh was HERE. I think what he did to you is totally and utterly unforgivable. I think you should stop apologising immediately and take him at his behaviour (checked out) and proceed accordingly.

I genuinely think this is one of the top 2 shittiest things someone could ever do to someone they are meant to love. I have no idea how you dont hate him.

Again, so sorry for your loss.

Suddenlyseymour · 22/11/2015 00:40

What's all this subservient stuff? You trying to give him space, wracking your brains to work out how he may be feeling, thinking about how you might work this out. Let's be clear here; you have suffered a miscarriage, been left to look after your toddler alone, and you are analysing his feelings and trying to accommodate?? Wtaf? Seriously? You are worth so much better than this!

Original poster

MummyC92 · 22/11/2015 07:56

epilepsy He has been less affectionate, just seems very sudden as two weeks before everything felt really good with us, and he had been talking about another child for a long time before I was ready to try.

We were in contact for a bit last night, I did apologise about the comment and said I am just not dealing with this very we'll and feel drained doing it by myself and holding it all together, he didn't really accept it just said that he knows he didn't react brilliantly but still didn't give me the right to say that etc. I have left it saying that I wasn't right saying what I did but that he wasn't right to leave us when I'm in this dark place. I said the ball is in his court I don't think there is anymore to say until he accepts how he has treated me.

I gave him space as I felt I had mine, we came back from the hospital and I spent the whole day in bed, a mess. He kept it together then so when he said he needed time I thought a night away from it could help. 3 nights though was not what I expected.

OP posts:

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