Choosing to be single forever...anyone done this?

[hussty]

I'm 37 years old and think I have come to a point of deciding to be single forever.

I am not really sure where I have gone wrong with romance, but the last truly healthy and satisfying relationship I had was aged 18. Since then I have had rather bad luck. I say "luck" as I have always tried quite hard to make good choices. I've never fancied bad boys, never gone for looks, always gone for men I thought would make good husbands / fathers as the traditional "love story" with 2.4 kids was really all I ever wanted out of life.

I spent the first half of my twenties being single and having fun with a few dates here and there, but never met anyone I fell for. I only had one long term relationship where the only good thing I got out of it was a beautiful child and to be honest - I only went into the relationship because he liked me so much and I felt time was running out.

I then elected to stay single for several years (5) to raise my beautiful son, and while I did a good job with my career and raising DS over those years, I was ultimately quite lonely and sad deep down. I thought a lot over those years of my first love, that I never fully got over.

Then I met a man, and again, he seemed to love me enough for the both of us. He ticked every box on paper and in practice he was a very loving partner. I grew to love him in a very real way over time. We planned to marry and have children of our own and DS was very happy living as a family, as was I. I didn't realise until much later than this man was a little EA. He isolated me bit by bit and my career went off the tracks, he was very selfish and manipulative. I became a SAHM with not much else, and he met someone else and left me (very cruelly) after 5 years together.

I found that very painful, very damaging to my self esteem and felt very lost without an identity or future that made sense. I felt like I had failed DS also and that my chance to have more children and live my dream life with a nice family was not going to happen.

I did the counselling to get over it, saw my ex as the twat that he was finally and began OLD in a serious effort to meet someone.

I had three relationships of three months each, each time the man was a great person, and fell in love with me quite quickly but I did not return the feelings so I ended it. Then I had three more relationships, again of three months each time and this time all three were emotionally unavailable and made me feel confused and deeply hurt.

The last one worst of all, was the first man since my first love that I'd felt the "thunderbolt" for, and truly believed I might have met Mr Right and as soon as we started to get serious he backed off and lost interest and started treating me quite badly. I ended that a couple of days ago as he was causing me a lot of pain and my self esteem was so low I ws crying all the time and have lost my zest for life.

I feel quite tired of it. I am 37 and have spent 20 years in the dating game, with only one LTR to show for it with a very bad human being who had me completely duped. I feel like during the times I have been single I have been lonlier, of course, but also more stable and was thinking about eliminating the dating game from my life completely.

I have some financial issues, from being a single Mum (no help from DS's Dad, and I have only been back working a little while. Everything is a struggle. I am lucky in that I have amazing close friends but most are now married, or they live too far away for me to see regularly. I have a great family but feel like I life is passing me by.

I deeply desire a close, committed union and to be loved and to give love - but it just hasn't happenned for me. I feel like I have tried to make good decisions, but no matter how hard I try and "qualify" the men I invest my emotions in, they turn out to be quite bad people.

I am so tired of crying, of checking my phone, of feeling alone, of feeling not good enough, of feeling a failure, of being demotivated and listless - as these men have deeply affected me and my ability to feel generally happy.

I would like to make a happy and fulfilling life for myself that no longer includes dating or men. I would like to make my career better, get myself financially in order, buy a house, maybe adopt another baby and have a life where I see friends and do things and have a laugh and feel no lonliness without it being dependent on having a relationship.

A few questions.

1. Has anyone done this?

1. Is it lonely?

1. How do I meet new people or find ways to make more friends that actually have a similar life to me? My married friends I never see

1. How do I make a full and fun life with no money ever?

1. Do you feel truly happy?

Thanks for listenting and advising

Hi OP, I'm 37, as you are...

I'm single, have been so far... Tbh I never imagined myself living with someone... I had open dates, where there is no obligation and it felt light... But looking back I can now say that I have been entertaining and dating guys who are EAs...

I couldn't understand why they would start controlling me as soon as it would get serious. When I see control, I run! I control myself enough.

I even cut off my EA friend (female) who I thought is my genuine friend.

I don't always meet people apart from interacting with work colleagues at work.

If I really feel lonely I go to the park to enjoy the weather, go for a walk (really enjoy walking), go for a cup of coffee by myself.

And I usually don't spend much...

I'm not the person who likes crowds and lots of people.

Learn to love your life first, learn to live on your own first...

One day you might meet someone unexpectedly... but first, you have to be happy within yourself and with the company of your DS.

The rest will fall in time :)

I'm 47 and have been single a long time. I've never wanted children and am a very introverted person, which makes it an easy life style choice for me.
I don't rule out a relationship, but I do feel resigned to never meeting anyone. It would have to be someone very special to make me give up my way of life and I'm not convinced that person exists.

I wouldn't say I'm choosing to be single forever but it wouldn't matter to me if I was.

I earn enough to live a comfortable enough lifestyle and interacting with people at work and the odd night out with friends is enough for me.

I never feel lonely, as an introvert, I prefer being on my own. If you are not a naturally introverted person though, I can imagine this would be more difficult.

Husty, I am currently in this position. I am 35, and have never been in a proper relationship, until a few months ago when I fell in love with a man from another country and got pregnant. He's gone back to his home country; I'm due in May!

I will not, regardless of well meaning posts telling me otherwise, be getting into another relationship. I think having one is highly unlikely even if I was seeking one, and since I'm not, I won't, but most pertinently I don't want to put my child through the stress of 'stepfathers" who may not always have great intentions.

I think it's fine to decide to be single, I really do.

I'm with you...last relationship with a nice, reasonable man ended when I was 21. Quite a long time ago! I'd love to be in a proper grown up relationship with someone wonderful,. I meet lots of people through work, and I tell myself that I would have met someone I could fall for, and who was equally into me, by now, if it was ever going to happen. Hence why I'll be single forever and ever.

They will only disappoint, so what's the point anyway?

Oh dear. Some healing needed perhaps? I really would recommend therapy to get things in some kind of order. Bcs at the moment you appear to be reacting , not making choices, your own choices bcs they are what you want and excite you. You are considering making a huge choice, a head not heart choice, simply to avoid future pain. There are any number of variables in between, as a pp said, single and lonely/coupled and hurt.

I am single and have been for a long time. I would rather that wasnt the case but there we are, that's how it is, and I have reached a large degree of acceptance about it, to the point I enjoy my life immensely most of the time. I have been very poor, easing considerably now, and even being poor/strapped I have reached a peace about - I can't be bothered to care, can't be bothered to be anguished: I may as well enjoy myself, and i really do, there is a great deal to enjoy. As the old saying goes: where you find yourself, there you are...

So, happy? Not always, no, but often, very. I'm not particularly keeping a tally. But I do feel you're running away from facing something - rather like a noviciate entering a convent to avoid something, not bcs she is excited about the prospect of giving up everything for her faith. is this where I sing 'climb every mountain' in sillouette

this is my plan too:)
I've never felt lonlier than when I was in my marriage. I left my husband in Jan of this year. I find the suitors queuing up but none of them are suitable.
I value my own space, I got a job straight away. My teenage cousin comes to stay with me for weeks on end because she loves coming here. This dynamic would change if there was a man around. I have become fantastic friends with a young gay guy in work. We message each other every evening, and during work. This is another relationship that would not be possible if know was with a man.
Went out for a work night by out a few weeks ago and a colleague kissed me out of the blue. I felt this was so disrespectf. Just because I'm blatantly single does not mean I'm "on the market". Nor does it mean I'll take anyone who'll have me
I "may" consider a relationship with a woka in the future.I just imagine a woman would bring a lot of happiness.but this would be when the kids are grown.

Woka was meant to be "woman"

"Someone sent me an FB message the other day and it said "wow, you really are well loved" and I just sat there crying because I'm so bloody lonely."

That person was right, and if your reaction was to cry and feel lonely, then I really recommend that you find a therapist you click with to discuss those feelings.

It's easy to have automatic beliefs that cause us harm. And you can learn to stop believing those thoughts and replace them with more realistic ones, that aren't a cause for sadness and pain.

You clearly have a lot of people and a lot of love in your life. If you don't feel it, it's maybe because you think you don't deserve it, or are stuck in a rut where you think "happiness" only happens under a certain set of conditions...

Whatever it is, your thoughts and feelings seem to be leading you astray at the moment, and I really do recommend you try to talk it through in therapy.

"I have become fantastic friends with a young gay guy in work. We message each other every evening, and during work. This is another relationship that would not be possible if know was with a man."

Why not?

OP, reading your original post, you seem to have invested a lot in the idea of a relationship & to have perhaps over-romanticised it. Having said that, I think you would really like a good relationship, & there is nothing wrong with that, but you should shuffle your priorities around, and make your own personal fulfilment & happiness your number one priority.
In terms of how to meet people, I am a huge fan of Meet Ups. They are really active in my area. If you join, you will start getting notifications about them, many of which are weird and wonderful ( foraging? Angel believers?)
But also mainstream ones. I met my DP at one, & am in several more that vary from meeting for coffee, walking, personal coaching, pub outings, etc. Many of the posters on this thread demonstrate that you can be happy & fulfilled without being in a relationship and if you focus on that rather than on having a relationship as you sine qua non, you will find contentment. It MAY be that a good relationship will come into your life, but know that you can be happy regardless. Good luck!

OP you sound like a nice person but you seem to put too much importance and too much distinction between Being In a Relationship and Being Single.

You should be looking to enhance you own life, career prospects, emotional and social life, and finances regardless of whether you are in a serious relationship or not.

" as the traditional "love story" with 2.4 kids was really all I ever wanted out of life."

"I am so tired of crying, of checking my phone, of feeling alone, of feeling not good enough, of feeling a failure, of being demotivated and listless - as these men have deeply affected me and my ability to feel generally happy.

I think you come across a bit desperate and like you're not happy alone and that comes across to the men you meet. You present a fairly vulnerable personality, and I think this can attract the nasties.

Everyone has a few shit dates, some people are single, some aren't. Things change.

it's only the Bridget Jones industry/media industry that comes up with weird artificial ideas like "the dating game" and "singletons vs marrieds" etc and "happiness with the wedding cake".

Funnily enough as women are getting better-educated and more financially powerful in public life, there seems to be a backlash that makes out single women are desperate and unhappy and to be pitied. It's utter nonsense. Don't buy into it.

(I hardly even know the marital status of most women I work with unless explicitly mentioned -what matter is how they are to work with).

Life is what you make it. Maybe you should get some counselling into your family background to work out what is triggering this desperation.