ExH how do I deal with this without causing ww3?

[Katiekatiekatiekay]

Background:ExH finally moved out in May after very difficult few years of no communication pa behaviour.
Mortgage & all bills except council tax he pays dd. Since he moved I've paid him the mortgage amount each month. He lives in a 1 bed flat 15 miles away.
So- He comes to see the kids x2 evenings a week and one weekend day. he lets himself in/makes coffee/puts his feet up/falls asleep/expects to be fed/does nothing in particular with the kids. This morning for instance he turns up, makes a coffee, does a dump, suggests a movie day with the kids All while I'm here as 'default parent'. I know lots of you hate that phrase but it's spot on for this situation. I don't want to go out I have mountains of ironing etc to do & im taking the kids out & swimming tomorrow.
Also - I just don't want to spend time with him, he's irritating, do I have to for the kids sake? Can I insist he gives the key back, do I have any rights about this?
He is very passive aggressive & makes me feel awful & like a bitch if I complain about this. I just joked is there no loo roll at yours & he stomped off looking like a kicked puppy now I'm going to feel bad & knot in my stomach all day. I can't sleep the night before he's coming. Do I have a right to a private space?

You have to live apart for 5 years to get a divorce without his agreement in England.

And I agree you should not divorce without any legal advice - this is only appropriate if you have no property and no DC really.

Thanks all, I'm going to ring some solicitors after work tomorrow. it sounds like I can get this half hour free so I won't worry so much about the money atm
i do hope you are not feeding him
I tried that once but was met with stunned silence mouth open, dejected look, kids worrying why dad was upset, sat at the table with the kids staring at them eating the situation was one I dont want to repeat for the kids sake I deal with his weirdness but why should the kids.
I thunk I need a book or something on dealing with his pa, when he first left the relief of not having to put up with it every day was so freeing, I used to dread him coming home from work. Now it's only 3 times a week and I have to remember that, I have 4 days a week of freedom!
I appreciate what pp have said about standing up to him, ignoring him, not putting up with the crap etc but it's not so easy in practice while trying to shield the kids. I'm not weak, at all in fact I'm very strong these days, I have 3 jobs & have worked extremely hard at getting him actually out of the house. It's very difficult time wise & ive had to give up a few things I did (a choir & book club) to take on extra work which I want to get back to at some stage because a lot of that brings me sanity. I just want a quiet, peaceful life ! I don't want to have to be someone I'm not, arsey, difficult etc which is what he makes me feel like if I stand up to him.

Teaching the children how to pander to a bully is not shielding them.

Teach them how to stand up to a bully instead.

Simply not feeding him one day without warning wasn't ideal. Caving immediately was worse though.

He could easily have behaved in a way that made the DC not upset. But no, their needs don't matter, all that matters is manipulating you. You should be furious with him for making a scene in front of them, not apologising and promising yourself you'll make his dinner without a squeak in future just in case he chooses to upset the children if you dare to squeak.

But the children don't know he's a bully. I've been in the same situation. Young children see things in very simple terms. If food can appear on the table for them, why not for their Dad? And my ex also capitalized on the fact that he knew I wouldn't make a fuss in front of them, and that I knew he would. It's incredibly fucked up.

Depending on their ages, it's fine, even healthy, for them to know you've split because you don't like each other anymore. But I did avoid doing anything they could see as abusive.

Best thing is to motor on with the legal stuff, and if you can subtly make him less comfortable in the family home without the kids noticing, it might be good for your morale. (Buy food/drink you likes and he doesn't, and like I said, super economy loo rolls and coffee!)

You really think the children don't notice? I was that child. I noticed. The atmosphere is hideous in an abusive household.

don't want to have to be someone I'm not, arsey, difficult etc which is what he makes me feel like if I stand up to him.

Allow me to rephrase that: When I stand up to him, he makes out that I am arsey, difficult etc, even though I am not that kind of person.

What he tries to make you feel like and what you actually are, are not the same thing.

True, I should have phrased it better - we don't know that the children know he's a bully. I don't think mine noticed. They were wrapped up in kids things. As long as everything was the same as it always was (which was always crap for me) they were comfortable with the status quo.