Dating a man child - bad idea?

[OiledBegg]

I'm good friends with a guy who I've considered dating, as we get on so well.
However he's early 30s and still lives with parents - they've let him stay so he can save for a deposit for a house and he's never had a relationship serious enough to consider moving out.
We were talking the other day and it transpired he's never cleaned a bathroom or toilet - EVER! His Mum's always done it so he's "never had the chance".
I'm 29 and been living away from parents since I was 18, so always done my own housework and even before then I'd clean for my mum.

This is a HUGE turnoff for me, am I being precious? He's just not in the real world.

I agree with ILiveAtTheBeach on this - someone having lived alone is no indication at all that they are going to step up and pull their weight.

My ex had lived in various flat shares and on his own but was a lazy lump who wasn't prepared to do his share.

ah but if someone lives alone you at least have a chance to see their own household in action, so to speak.

It's the being happy to live his mum at 30 that would be the deal breaker for me. I like a man who is independent and adventurous.

I wouldn't dismiss him my husband when living with his mum barely lifted a finger but now does everything pretty much that I do. Depends on him, is he willing to change? Or does he prefer to live like this? As someone said he needs road testing!

if no woman ever dated a 'man child' the human race would die out....my husbands idea of cleaning the toilet is putting the lid down!

This is utter nonsense.

Some women (my mother) like men like this because they can roll their eyes and complain with their friends with a subtext of "men! What would they do without us?!" (They'd look after themselves. Honestly)

My son is 16. He can cook, has been responsible for doing his own laundry for the past couple of years (including bedlinen), vacuums and puts the bins out without reminding...

I wouldn't choose someone like this. He is quite capable of doing those things. He chooses not too.

I know men who have lived at home into their early 30s, mainly I think for financial reasons. They can still do basic housework, though.

My DP is not so.much a man child as a lazy beggar ! I blame his mother and ex wife who ran round after him . Yesterday he complained he had no clean socks ( he mentioned this three days ago) I told him he needed to wash some . He said he would when he got the opportunity and then sat watching TV for three hours! He is good at some tasks but only when it suits him!

I think it depends more on his attitude towards it. If he assumes its 'women's work' or claims he can't do it then run a mile, if he pitches in and helps with doing the dishes then that's different. I have a friend whose DP is utterly useless, he went from living with his mum to living with her, but my friend embraced the whole 'taking care of him' thing and did all the cooking and cleaning claiming she liked it. Which was fine when it was just the two of them, but it meant he didn't pull his weight at all when they had their DD. I remember her once stopping getting her and their toddler DD ready because he needed a shirt ironing and couldn't do work the iron! She now realises she should have been firmer in making chores 50/50, and it's caused a lot of issues.

My DP lived at home when we got together (though had lived away at uni and with an ex before) and as his mum had a cleaner he wasn't doing much beyond dishes and the laundry at home. But since we've moved in he has always split everything 50/50 (more like 75/25 since I've been pregnant). Incidentally we were friends for a long time before we got together and it was the best thing we ever did, just saying! :)

Mine had no skills either.

I think it's more about attitude than skills. He's not fussed about the home unless it's minging so doesn't see cleanliness in the same way I do (and believe me I'm not precious) but will do something when asked.

That used to bug me but then I realised he sees odd jobs that I don't. We both look at the world from different perspectives but both recognise that in each offer and accept it, rather than making judgements that the other person is an arsehole and doing it deliberately.

...Oh and I agree, wtf are parents doing raising children who don't turn out to be fully functioning adults.

You do know that if you date a "man child" you are going to have overly involved parents as well.

Housework isn't rocket science, but THINKING about housework is a habit that you have to get into.

It's not hard to clean the bathroom.

It is harder to remember that you might need to clean the bathroom, and buy new loo roll, and all of the other mental tasks that go along with it, when you've never had to do it before.

If he's in his 30s and has a job, why hasn't he bought a house already?

That's more that enough time to save an enormous deposit. In fact, it's enough time to buy a house outright!

I'd be worried that he is still at home because he wants to be. Because mummy does all the drudge work for him and he can piss all his earnings up the wall.

He may learn to clean the toilet or not, but the important question here is not how good is he at cleaning but "is he helpful?"

If so, date away, there is hope.

If not, don't even get there, you be mothering him until the end of the relationship.

Boney... That is so true.

He's extremely passive. He is happy to abdicate responsibility for taking care of himself and the house he lives in. My problem would be that once the shine and excitement of being in a relationship/living together has worn off, you would be 'mum' and be expected to take care of him and the household chores/admin.

Sod training a grown man. If he had any consideration for his parents, he would do some housework, whether it was his own laundry, cleaning the kitchen after the evening meal, something. That fact he chooses not to is the problem.

I would not get involved beyond friendship.

I'd continue as friends until he's lived alone for long enough to prove he can deal with all the boring but necessary household chores. If you developed a relationship with him now he might go from living at home to living with you, and he may just assume the housework fairy (now you) will do everything. Or he may be absolutely fine, but I'd prefer not to take the chance to be honest.

Nope.

Living at home at thirty is a bit of a turn off (unless you're caring for parents) in its own right. Being passive/lazy enough to let his mum do all the work is a huge turn off.

Never, ever cleaned a loo?!? Never? Never helped out? Never said 'right mum, you look knackered, put your feet up, I'll sort this out'? Never occurred to him to pull his weight?

Or even worse, he's such a mummies boy that you'll have an interfering mil from hell ( and goodness knows we see enough of those on these boards.)

Just no. Run a mile.

Mr Blar lived at home when he met. Never did a bit of cleaning ( no way that woman lets anyone clean her house) but something must have rubbed off because he is the tidiest man. We never fight about house work or cooking because he just does what needs done. We are totally 50/50 well maybe he does a bit more, but I made actual people sooooo.
It might not be that he doesn't want to but that his mum just doesn't let him. It's her domain don't touch sort of thing.