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Relationships

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Original poster

How different is too different for a relationship to work?

25 replies

CocoPlum · 19/11/2015 14:41

Very early days of dating someone new. At the weekend it came up, are we suited to one another. His view is that at the moment, he likes me, likes talking to me, we have fun etc, but that we are fundamentally very different people and it will take some time to work out if that's something that would work in a relationship.

I'm not sure how different is too different, and I just wondered, what do you think would be a deal breaking difference? I'm trying to work out if he's right, because I'm not sure he is in our case!

OP posts:

cailindana · 19/11/2015 14:42

Differences about money, where to live, gender roles, communication and family are usually deal breakers.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 19/11/2015 14:44

I think you're overthinking it, it was possibly a flippant comment from a lighthearted conversation with no thought behind it at all. If its a new relationship then maybe he wants you to slow down a bit so was applying the brakes?

UmbongoUnchained · 19/11/2015 14:44

I broke up with someone once who had very different attitudes to parenting than me. There was no way I wanted him parenting my children.

RatherBeRiding · 19/11/2015 14:47

For me its very important to have shared values first and foremost, a shared view of what's "right" and what's "wrong". After that things like politics, background, hobbies etc etc seem to take care of themselves. Maybe he meant something like that?

NewLife4Me · 19/11/2015 14:48

Me and my dh are like chalk and cheese and share hardly any views tbh, well when we started out we didn't.
Over the years we have compromised, on things that can't be compromised we take it in turns who has the over riding decision.
Seriously, we didn't agree on most of cailindana list, but we worked at it as life apart seemed unbearable.
We have been married for 23 years, have had ups and downs as most marriages do, but today are stronger than ever.

Good luck to you, it doesn't mean your relationship won't survive, but you'll both need to be committed to compromising and making it work, if you can't live without each other.

RedMapleLeaf · 19/11/2015 14:52

What do you want from him / a relationship with him?

What differences are there that concern you?

(Remember, he's not the prize).

Original poster

CocoPlum · 19/11/2015 14:53

midnight it was quite an intense conversation. Not very flippant at all.

A lot of the things you're all mentioning - parenting, where to live etc, we so far seem fairly similar in. Parenting is definitely huge for me.

Rather I feel like he was referring more to things like background, hobbies etc, which is why I feel.confused. he specifically mentioned a passion of his that he said even if I was interested in what he said about it, I would never understand or love it like he does. I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing though.

OP posts:

Original poster

CocoPlum · 19/11/2015 14:54

School run! I'll come back to this later

OP posts:

Handywoman · 19/11/2015 14:56

how long is a piece of string? depends somewhat if you are planing to marry, cohabit, have children, styles of communication, fundamental values, what can be humoured, tolerated, negotiated etc.

recently came out of a relationship where he was the total opposite in parenting style. that was a deal breaker. could have been workable if the dc had been kept separate but he was often an emotional wreck about his dc even when she wasn't there. so it was a fundamentally unworkable issue would have liked to have been a fwb but he wasn't up for that

OP I'll bet the guy you are dating isn't giving it half as much thoughts as you. Is there a gut feeling (vv important)??????? Maybe if you're posting here, your gut is telling you.

Or can you not go with the flow???

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 19/11/2015 14:59

My dh and I are really different. We have differing political views and values but there is some crossover.
But somehow we get on. We can compromise and respect each other.
We ve been married 17 years.

RedMapleLeaf · 19/11/2015 15:03

I feel like he was referring more to things like background, hobbies etc, which is why I feel.confused. he specifically mentioned a passion of his that he said even if I was interested in what he said about it, I would never understand or love it like he does.

What do you think??

NewLife4Me · 19/11/2015 15:03

My dh is not a social person at all, happier with his own company, close family and the occasional smallish dinner with another couple.

I'm a socialite and quite outgoing, very loud to his very quiet.
It works well, although our personal social life isn't too interesting, but we do things like theatre, cinema, eating out etc.

We are both 50 next year, the thought of a party, especially surprise sends dh out in a rash or gibbering wreck. I'll be bloody upset if I don't get a surprise party.

category12 · 19/11/2015 15:11

It sounds to me like he's telling you this is a short term thing. I don't know why it would matter if you'd never love or understand his hobby like him - it's not obligatory to share every interest . But seems like he's preparing the ground.

Joysmum · 19/11/2015 15:43

Another vhalk and cheese relationship here. 22 years on and going strong with disagreements.

That's fine, we can't be all things to all people but in a relationship with the freedom and understanding that this is the case and we can interact with others to fill in the gaps, we're do nicely.

In fact it's a real benefit that we are 2 halves of something great. I'm a planner, he's great in a crisis (we don't get many because I plan well!), you get the drift.

Original poster

CocoPlum · 19/11/2015 16:36

Red there aren't many differences that concern me, these were his thoughts. I kind of like some of the stuff we don't have in common. What I want from a relationship - not necessarily with him - is to be listened to and respected, and treated like I am important within a relationship. Equally I need someone who understands that my children have to be the priority while they are so young. It's important that whoever I'm with understands that I've chosen to be a SAHM.

I don't think it matters that I don't share that passion. I'm very happy to learn about it - I like hearing him talk about it and he doesn't patronise me when he has to explain stuff - but I don't see it as necessary to share the interest. As it happens, he has a job that is very tied into a great passion of mine.

Handywoman I am pretty happy to go with the flow for now. I'm just pondering it because to me these differences aren't so apparent and I don't want to keep quizzing him on it. As long as he's happy to continue seeing what happens but with a positive attitude (rather than believing it's unworkable from the start) that's ok.

OP posts:

Onesteptoofar · 19/11/2015 19:56

Yes sounds like he doesn't see a future with you and this is his way of letting you know that. This is the excuse I've given to the past 2 men I've been involved with.

niceupthedance · 19/11/2015 20:20

Fundamental differences to me would be differences in lifestyle eg drinker/non drinker, lark/night owl, planner/leave things until last minute, tidy/messy etc.

But I agree it seems he has found a reason he doesn't want to get serious with you, and I don't think you can probe him about it, unless you want to hear that.

HPsauciness · 19/11/2015 22:50

niceup me and my husband are really different on most of these, I don't drink/he does, he is often late/I am always early, he's messy/I'm less messy and so on- our body clocks are fairly equal though.

I honestly don't think any of these are deal-breakers, I think something like 'gender roles' would be a killer difference for me, if he was anything less than 100% behind me fulfilling my potential, I couldn't hack the latent sexism of many many guys I know.

Op, I don't think that's the issue here, though, I agree with the person saying this sounds like an 'I like you but...' type conversation, you are focusing on one aspect of it, but it does sound like he's going to come back to this and not really be that into you- see how things go but if these conversations reoccur, then I don't think that's good news, he certainly isn't falling for you if he's saying stuff like this.

Botanicbaby · 20/11/2015 00:25

Uh oh. "Very early days of dating" and already it's come up whether you're suited. By him. Added to that he seems to be implying that no matter what, you'll never 'get' his hobby/interest in the special way he does. So fucking what. He sounds like he needs to get over himself.

Why should you need to? As you say, you're in the very early stages of dating. Why invest so much of your time/effort trying to understand his hobby/him.

Is he putting in the same amount of effort for you?

Sansoora · 20/11/2015 02:01

At the weekend it came up, are we suited to one another. His view is that at the moment, he likes me, likes talking to me, we have fun etc, but that we are fundamentally very different people and it will take some time to work out if that's something that would work in a relationship.

Im really sorry, but it sounds as if he's just biding time with you till the right person comes along.

Steamedcharsiubun · 20/11/2015 02:30

His hobby whatever it is sounds like it is a dominant part of his life and if that means he wants to put in time, money and effort and you won't understand it then listen to what he is saying.

Regardless of compatibility levels amongst people on this thread it seems like he has given you a warning shot across your bows.

The biggest issues are usually money, parenting and interactions with extended family.

firesidechat · 20/11/2015 14:00

If he said that with a perfectly straight face and wasn't joking, then I would have happily walked away at that point. It's such a ridiculous thing to say.

firesidechat · 20/11/2015 14:01

Ahh. Bold fail, but you know what I mean.

MiniTheMinx · 20/11/2015 17:59

There is another perspective. I wouldn't assume he is sending a negative message just because he's a man.

Differences matter more when there is poor communication and unwillingness to compromise.

Perhaps he is sounding out whether the two of you can compromise, are able to acknowledge and discuss this, perhaps he needs reassurance that the differences are not insurmountable. I think also some men may panic because they think women want to change them and perhaps his way of seeing whether your response indicates this.

CwtchMeQuick · 20/11/2015 18:35

Me and my ex (not an ex through choice, circumstances dictate we can't be together right now) are totally different.

We had very different upbringings. He went to a private school, grew up with money etc. I did not. He's very career minded, I am less so. He wants to be at the top of his game, I want a job I like with hours that suit DS and enough money to pay the bills. We have opposing political views. He's into sports, I'm like

However, we have a similar sense of humour. We acknowledge our differences and are prepared to compromise for one another. We laugh a lot. We have a similar parenting style. We have similar mothers so understand each other's dysfunctional family units.

I had a wobble about whether I was good enough quite early on in our relationship. But the crap i was sprouting had never even crossed his mind. I think I kept sobbing that he'd learnt Latin at school and that proved I wasn't good enough because of our different backgrounds. He looked at me like and went 'have you completely lost the plot? Bloody hell... We better go to the pub'

Anyway, that man is the love of my life. despite voting conservative so I believe it can work, as long as you are both prepared to compromise

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