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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Describing a affair as "just friends"

48 replies

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 13:48

I read so much on here and a scenario that always gets my head baffled is when a guy says a affair is just friends
If a bloke is texting/talking to another woman sexually etc and makes it clear to her that he wants her etc then says to this other woman "it's a shame we can't be friends,nobody would get our friendship"
Hmmmm surely you don't think about your friends sexually.
So why do they justify it to themselves the woman is just a friend?
After he has had sex with her says the same " I'm so pleased we are friends"
Is this to make him fool himself that what he is doing isn't bad?
If he claims he is just being friendly he can't feel guilty.
How can sex be "friends"
Denial?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 19/11/2015 17:27

Sorry, is your current bf single or not?

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 17:28

Yes he is single.
As I said in that post bad trap record with arsey men.
Hoping this one is different.

OP posts:

kerbs · 19/11/2015 17:31

Another arsehole OP.

Offred · 19/11/2015 17:43

You are still posting about him even though you are with someone else.

You don't do that if you have moved on.

Offred · 19/11/2015 17:44

You have a bad track record on here tbh.

You have posted several misleading threads and this is another.

Of course the 'arsey Man' in this thread is the guy with the gf and baby.

Reading this forum my arse.

You are STILL posting about the same guy.

Offred · 19/11/2015 17:45

Are you actually dating someone else or is this sharing of beds guy still the same one you've had stick about before?

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 17:50

No I am dating someone new.

OP posts:

ozymandiusking · 19/11/2015 17:50

You should have written "an affair" not "a" affair ! Sorry but it drives me mad.

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 17:52

Not sure what's misleading about asking a general question but that's fair enough.
I actually wondered even I read a other posted who was talking about excuses men make which was posted last night I think and that got me wondering about the "just friends" talk.

OP posts:

Offred · 19/11/2015 17:53

Well stop thinking about the other guy then. You were never friends. He doesn't see women as people. He just uses them for sex, comfort and a roof over his head.

Just get on with your life without him and don't mess the new one around because you are still hung up.

IMO you are not really in a place to be dating at all. Time on your own and counselling would help you get over the dickwad who manipulated you for years...

Offred · 19/11/2015 17:54

It's misleading because you are still drawing people in to your obsession with Mr unavailable using dickwad and not being upfront about it.

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 19:31

I think the new man is just what I need tbh.

OP posts:

Offred · 19/11/2015 19:44

I beg to differ.

If you'd had a normal relationship in normal circs you might have been right that dating could help you move on.

In this situation you will be highly vulnerable to falling prey to another dickwad who will further mess your head up.

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 19:48

I just have to hope that this guy is decent and maybe previous history would show red flags in new situations.

OP posts:

Offred · 19/11/2015 20:08

You can choose to take control of your own life.

You do not have to trust that this guy is decent.

You could take some time and get some therapy to help you be your own friend.

Many of us have done therapy for things like this and benefitted massively.

If you keep denying the truth to yourself and trying to mislead people who want to help when you post threads on here then you'll likely just end up in a differently shit situation.

Offred · 19/11/2015 20:11

And believe me, after dickwad you are vulnerable and it is more likely than not anyone that you date, until you have worked through the baggage, will just be another knobend.

Offred · 19/11/2015 20:12

And if they aren't your issues will likely push them away.

Original poster

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 20:15

I get cbt therapy weekly.
Which I do think helps.
Apparently I have self esteem issues(I knew already) most women would tell arseholes to get lost first sign of being a arsehole where I tend to want them more and analyse what's wrong with me rather than realise it's them who are the ones with problems.
I hope one day things click in to place.

OP posts:

Offred · 19/11/2015 20:18

Women's aid has been suggested before and the freedom programme.

The last post is exactly why you should not be dating.

Offred · 19/11/2015 20:19

People want to help you but unless you make a decision, that this pattern is not healthy and you need to help yourself, nothing is going to get better.

noclueses · 20/11/2015 16:45

well, the modern term 'friends with benefits' is to blame. It really stands for casual relationship/sex plus chatting/going for a drink sometimes as opposed to just sex without any social side, an ONS.
I think it was invented by men exactly to do that - absolve themselves of any guilt/responsibility after sleeping with someone who might actually see him as more than a fiend, though some women also have such friends meaning usually that it's someone she likes buy not in love with but prefers that to being celibate.
Personally I can'y do it - if I just like someone then sleeping withhim would not last for me, if I do really like him, as a lover and a friend, I'd fall for him even if he is unsuitable as a long term.

eloquent · 20/11/2015 16:56

I thought I had a friend with benefits, then he buggered off on tour and he realised he wanted more.
But, if a guy is telling you on text that he wants you, but that you're just a friend, let me tell you, you are an accessory to his right hand. He has no intention of leaving his gf. He will keep messaging you as long as you let him.
I am in this situation with a guy, but I know exactly what I am to him and he is the same to me.
If you want more...walk away.

Suddenlyseymour · 20/11/2015 17:20

It's not confusion or denial, it's called "keeping options open"; he's fine with sleeping with the women or being sexual in whatever way, but when he then labels it as "just friends", it's him making it clear that to him, he doesn't consider himself "in a relationship" with her, and therefore is perfectly entitled to still play the field.

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