Can Relate/couple counselling help even when one partner is a reluctant attendee?

[argumentativefool]

Hi there. My dh and I get on fine most of the time- and I love him very much- but we are running into problems with regularly recurring rows on certain specific issues. These leave us both feeling drained and devastated but we never seem to find any workable long term solutions and so effectively we end up having the same argument over and over again. It feels to me like the topics concerned have become so loaded for both of us that we cannot even discuss them without one or both of us getting upset to a silly extent, usually unintended by the other. I really feel that we're pretty stuck on how to move forward with these issues and could use some help from someone like a Relate counsellor. We need support to compromise a bit more, not to mention help with our communication which, IMO, is absolutely dreadful on both sides at these times and is probably a major factor in things getting difficult in the first place.

The trouble is that, as you've probably guessed from the title of this thread, my dh is not at all keen on the idea of counselling of any kind. I'm not exactly ecstatic at the idea either but I do feel we really need to try and sort this out. We're not at breaking point by any means but when these issues surface things are really not right between us and it feels just awful. It happens a bit too frequently to be dismissed as simply ongoing and minor relationship hiccups, I think, and the thought of having the same arguments for ever and ever into eternity and not moving on in the slightest is a bit too Groundhog-day horrific to contemplate!

Anyway, I think I could probably just about persuade dh to tag along reluctantly to an appointment or two if I really set my mind to it but I'm concerned that couple counselling with one person more motivated than the other may be doomed to failure. If the counsellor didn't impress dh as helpful within a couple of sessions, I'd have a hard time sustaining my influence to keep him going to the appointments with me- and he's pretty darn cynical and upset over all this, so perhaps not easy to impress. I know I could try going alone (and I'm certainly contributing lots to the impasse and probably have more changing to do than dh actually) but I do feel that neither one of us can solve this alone and that our failure to really work as a team sometimes is part of the reason why we're going round and round in circles. What do you think? Is it worth trying or not? Has anyone had this sort of experience and found counselling helpful despite negative expectations? Or unhelpful as expected? Are Relate counsellors pretty much prepared for this sort of thing- I imagine it's not that uncommon for one partner to be keener to attend than the other- and ready to work hard to win the more reluctant partner over from the start? I would be really interested to hear your opinions- any advice much appreciated.

I'm probably not a great person to give advice, as my marriage ended 5 years ago, but, of course, no two marriages are the same!

We went through two bouts of Relate counselling. The first bout was as a result of a very similar situation to yours as you describe it. My husband was unwilling to go, so I started off with a number of sessions on my own, and he joined in later (he had softened to the idea by then).

I certainly found the individual sessions extremely helpful, and, for a while, things did improve. However, in my case the problems we had were eventually insurmountable. The second bout of counselling was actually at my husband's request, and I was the unwilling participant. Things had gone too far by then, and I think I had gone beyond the point of wanting it to work.

I don't want to drivel on about my own situation because it was very different to yours, and although I don't know how old you are, I was in my mid twenties and nowhere near as self-aware as you sound. I think you should go for it - go on your own initially if your dh won't go with you. You acknowledge that you need to change, and individual sessions will help you to do that if you're ready to.

One thing I have learned is that you can only ever change yourself, and in so doing the relationship does change. It'll either get better or it won't, but at least you will have done as much as you can to make those changes within yourself, and that is all you can really do. If you go ahead with the counselling alone, your dh may well see the changes that are taking place in you and realise that this could be of benefit for him too, and therefore for both of you.

Rambling now, but I wish you the best of luck X

Thank you so much for that, sm. Really helpful and insightful and loads of food for thought. I think I will go with investigating individual sessions and take it from there, trying to draw in dh along the way if possible. Now it's just a matter of finding the time to do it- ho hum. Anyway, ta muchly to you, spacey.

v v wise post spacemonkey (as always). i'm a trainee therapist, so i thought i'd just add:

your dh may be reluctant because consciously (or unconsciously) he figures that a counsellor will be on 'your side' or will criticise him and blame him for the situation. if he does attend a couple of sessions he should soon realise that this is not the case: both of you have to be prepared to accept some responsibility for whatever the dynamic is in your relationship - are you ready to do so??

sm is right in saying you can only ever change yourself. i would agree that it would be worth giving counselling a go and encouraging your dh to come...you may find that one of the first things that the counsellor addresses is dh's reluctance and your wanting to be there...

one last thing: if you feel that you don't 'click' with the first counsellor you see, please try out another...counsellors/therapists are human beings, and not all human beings work well together: therapy/counselling is a working relationship. I think it is really important to realise that: people often seem to be more choosy about their hairdressers (trying more than one before settling on someone they felt comfortable with) than counsellors. you certainly don't have to love them, but you need to feel safe with them and have some faith in their ability. this is advice for your initial appointments...most people go through periods of disliking/distrusting their counsellor once the relationship is established, and it's important to persevere through this imo.

hope that some of this helps.

Agree with Sophable on this one. My first marriage hit the rails leaving counselling the only option. I was keen, DH wasn't. Eventually after another year of Groundhog he suggested counselling. I agreed but ended up being the one trying to get the appointments organised and he couldn't even take a half day off work to attend (he did take a half day off work the same week to go to pub with pal and watch football, eat curry and drink beer). Ended up never going and marriage ended (thankfully no kids). However, without sounding one-sided, I think that he realised that he was mainly at fault and the truth stick of a counsellor would be too much to bear. Sorry if I sound cynical.

I am happily married second time round now and whilst there is nothing wrong if ever there was reason for counselling, I doubt if my DH2 would ever consider it. Many guys seem to have difficulty with external influences and prefer to stick head in the sand rather than admit it.