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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New realtionship ..normal?

58 replies

Confused2015xxx · 18/11/2015 18:25

So I'm very bad with men I mean disaster soon.
The last few weeks I met a new guy.
Last night was the first time he stayed over.
We didn't sleep together tho.
we watched a film in bed(cheesy I know)
Then we just talked for a while(2hours)
He asked me to lie on his chest and held my hand.
He kept staring at me( in my head I'm thinking what you looking at) then we were kissing,sometimes just little pecks.
He kissed my forehead then he fell asleep without trying anything on.
Is that normal? Surely if your in bed and your a bloke you have a go.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 18/11/2015 21:57

I didn't say she didn't make an effort: I said she might have to make "more of an effort" next time if she wants to have sex with him.

It's true to say none of us can say why he didn't try and have sex with the OP, but she asked us if we thought his behaviour was 'normal' and I am just trying to answer her question.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 18/11/2015 22:02

Bollocks. If a man wants sex you could be wearing a stained dressing gown and have sick in your hair, and it wouldn't make a difference. She doesn't need to "make more effort". Maybe he just needs to feel actually close to a woman and comfortable before he has a sexual relationship. Shocker.

RJnomore1 · 18/11/2015 22:05

The green mile would not get me in the mood, to be fair. It's a bit on the sad side.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 18/11/2015 22:06

I was maybe 5 dates I before my boyfriend and I got even remotely sexual. On the the date we went to the cinema and he held my hand all night, but did t try it on after. I have to admit I wondered if he fancied me. Turns out he had a long history of promiscuity in the past, and he had realised it never made him happy, so now he only wants sex in a loving relationship. It was worth waiting for Wink

chelle792 · 18/11/2015 22:10

Couldn't you enjoy the build up? Maybe he wants to wait longer/make it special?

DH had to wait six weeks before we had sex - I shared a bed naked with him from about two weeks in.

DH was happy with it or encouraged us to wait - not sure which!

but then DH is as weird as me Grin

Justaboy · 18/11/2015 23:06

Confused2015xxx Umm, very odd indeed.

Perhaps he forgot his Viagra pills! there you go! very simple reason.

noclueses · 18/11/2015 23:07

hmm when this happened to me (over several dates ending in bed in undies) it turned out later that he had major ED problems and was postponing the 'performance'. It did work eventually after he went to a sex therapist (as I couldn't take it any longer and refused going to bed).
Or agree with the other poster - completely opposite end of the spectrum, i.e. a man who was very promiscuous and wanting a different experience/relationship.

noclueses · 18/11/2015 23:10

I assume that if he was very religious (strict Catholic?) you'd know about it by now, so I didn't mention that option.

wideboy26 · 18/11/2015 23:31

Somebody almost asked the question, but not quite: was he...erm...standing to attention? Once I get to that state, it's very difficult to decide that it isn't going to end in sex.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2015 23:40

< klaxon >

Wideboy, the presence of an erection in the room is not an automatic assumption that sex will take place.

The only thing that could guarantee that is the mutual and enthusiastic consent of all the parties

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 18/11/2015 23:54

Oh? What happens if you get in that state and it doesn't end in sex wideboy? blue balls?

noclueses · 19/11/2015 00:02

I'd guess no, he didn't, wideboy.

bessiebumptious2 · 19/11/2015 01:07

I think it's nice that he didn't try to press for sex. Although, if you've never see the Green Mile before then it's hardly surprising as it's a bit of a passion killer! First time I watched that I ran the whole gamut of emotions and wouldn't have wanted to get frisky.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/11/2015 01:18

Once I get to that state, it's very difficult to decide that it isn't going to end in sex.

Christ almighty.

My DP had to be positively talked round to having sex with me the first time. It was a little bit of stage fright and a lot of fear of taking advantage/being seen to push too quickly. That was fine. Frustrating at times, but absolutely 100% fine. Wouldn't want him any other way.

RedMapleLeaf · 19/11/2015 06:12

Once I get to that state, it's very difficult to decide that it isn't going to end in sex.

No. It's really not.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/11/2015 06:15

Why did you get in bed in your underwear to watch a film? With a man you're not sleeping with yet? It's a bit odd. For me, at the start of a relationship, when we go to bed together that's to be sexual. If I'm not at the sexual stage yet I'm not sleeping in a bed with him in my underwear. I wouldn't expect sex after watching the green mile either, ew

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/11/2015 06:16

Once I get to that state, it's very difficult to decide that it isn't going to end in sex

Why don't you just take a minute to think about why that's a stupid thing to say?

spudlike1 · 19/11/2015 06:32

He's a keeper , your just not used to it .

EleanorRigsby · 19/11/2015 06:37

OP - during the passionate kissing, did your new friend get an erection?
If he did, do you know because you felt it pressed up against you, or did you explore? Was he naked or in his undies too?
There's really not enough information for the people here not to make assumptions - and as we all know assumptions are not facts.
Why do you say you are very bad with men - bad relationship wise or "bad" slutty ? - I assume NOT slutty otherwise your new friend may have got the message you wanted/expected sex

niceupthedance · 19/11/2015 07:23

So when are you seeing him again?

TattieHowkerz · 19/11/2015 09:16

Wtf is wrong with (some) people? Did I just see the OP get asked if she is slutty? Not to mention the comment about it being difficult for a man not to have sex once he has an erection. Disappointing - maybe. Uncomfortable - probably. But seriously, go and have a wank. That comment is far too entitled.

Translator1000 · 19/11/2015 09:36

Is it just me or is there TMI in this thread Blush? Some things are best left to the imagination!

Justaboy · 19/11/2015 15:50

Translator1000 Well probably it is and one thinks if you "can't stand the heat";! the doors thataway------>

But its something people want to discuss and know about, it isn't the sort of thing that you perhaps can discuss with people you know but here in an anonymous place, maybe you ought to?

I've been out of the dating game for a very long time and its very useful to see what is or is not expected these days. I have the opinion that if a woman were to impress me, and vice versa, that I was considering her as a long term partner then DTD wouldn't be a number one initial aspect of a relationship. I'd like to check out a lot of other things first to see if we are compatible have shared interests, can tolerate each other, have the same or similar attitudes to money life and all those other aspects that come into a relationship.

An then Sex, yes that is important but now I'm that much older its not as important to me as it once was. i don't need to be at it all the time, once a week or fortnight would be fine for me it's the "intimacy" and "warmth" that's really important.

That said it does seem very strange that your in a bed together and I'd have thought that if she invited you there or suggested that then she'd expect some sort of sexual advance or event to take place?

It may well be that the man involved is somewhat asexual or just not that interested?

Unless I'm very much mistaken. And no AF a stiffly doesn't mean much other than that I'm well, "interested" :)

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 19/11/2015 15:54

My friend used to lament that her boyfriend couldn't ever just kiss or cuddle - all physical contact went straight to sex and she was really envious of women whose boyfriends liked to cuddle.
They broke up in the end and that was quite a part of it.

Confused2015xxx · 19/11/2015 15:58

No he did get a erection.
We were touchy feely just didn't have sex.
I don't think it was weird being in bed with him and not having sex.
He was naked(doesn't wear boxers)

OP posts: