DH work/life balance. I just don't know what to do.

[ineedtogetready]

DH got a new job last Spring. It meant a substantial pay rise and more responsibility but similar length days meaning he is back by 5.30pm every day. I was aware that it would be more stressful and told him I was worried this would cause problems but he assured me this would be fine. I am a SAHM to 2 small dc. I have looked into working but the financial gain would not be worth the added strain after paying nursery fees for 2. I am aware that I am in a very lucky position. I love being at home with the dc and enjoying keeping the house nice, cooking etc. and do not expect DH to do anything when he gets home except spend time with us and do his hobby (sport) which I very much encourage. However, as I feared work has completely taken over DHs every waking thought. He constantly talks about all the issues that crop up, is always checking and sending e mails and is not even able to switch off at weekends. I have tried so hard to be supportive but this is getting to be a massive problem. I dread him phoning on the way home in case something has not gone right during the day. The thing is these problems always resolve themselves, he is not the only person working on these projects but tries to sort out the jobs single handedly and is unable to switch off at all. He does not need to send emails at 9pm but says he needs to get it done so he doesn't have to think about it, but of course he still does. The final straw for me came last night when we had sex. He just was so emotionally not there, just not considering me at all, it felt cold. After I was upset and told him. He apologised and said he was feeling a lot of pent up aggression and had not realised I was not enjoying it. We need to get this sorted. I am starting to see him as somebody I don't know any more.

I think you need to find a balance on this OP.

I regularly work all weekend or until midnight 9pm at night. I absolutely love my job but it is very high pressured and demands a lot of my time. I often wake in the night thinking about work problems.

However, I am happily single, so it isn't impacting a partner.

What I would object to is him not being entirely present when you are having sex - that would be a real turn off for me.

Can you arrange a night out so you can discuss all this away from home, and see if he can learn a way to switch off? No work stuff after 7pm for example - no exceptions?

I had this with my DH.

It took my asking him what others in his position do to make him wake up to the fact that he did way more than normal and wasn't better rewarded or thought of than those who didn't. In fact the others would take the piss on Facebook and he then started to notice they had lives outside of work and he didn't.

First thing he did was not to take calls after 7:30 or before 7:30.

Things like smartphones, Apple Watch and laptops are awful because emails always beebed through and he never felt able to switch off.

Lastly he was a control freak. He felt if he wasn't micro managing then things would fall apart and give more work. I told him either he was employing the wrong staff or he wasn't training them properly and asked how he thought they felt not being trusted! That took long to address because it required them to be trained, expectations or all to be reset and practice by everyone to realise the new regime was staying. They are happier, he is happier and the department is more productive with a higher and more flexible skill set.

Skilled managers develop their staff to manage. If they can't do that they are nothing more than the hardest workers in a team and destined to go no further.

Oh and when I was told he was 'doing it for us' I asked if that meant that if he didn't have us, would he be working less hours and less ambitious? That was a wake up to him. His hours took away my choices, his hours of being a father and he deluded himself it was for the family when really it was because it's what he wanted for himself.

Good news it that the hours are chopped back but still nowhere near being normal out of the house hours, and he doesn't routinely take calls or check emails at home. Things much better.