How do men justify ... just rambling ... Questions

[janaus]

As I said to my DH, how do you justify yourself, having a fling / affair?
How could you look me in the eye and deny it for weeks?
How can you minimise it? (It meant nothing)
How could you carry on your day to day life like nothing is happening?
How can you look at your children knowing what you are doing to their mother?
These are now your memories, will stay with you rest of your life
Yes, I am trying to reconcile, basically quite happy, but these thoughts are haunting me all the time.

Anxious ... Today is the first day that I have not checked the old phone bills. Maybe I am moving on. Checked back years to 2008. I think something may have gone on in 2010, judging by the obsessive calling to another number, which was full on from the Jan to March. I phoned that number and lady answered. I did actually ask if I could speak to 'hubbys name. She seemed to hesitate and said, noooooo you've got the wrong number. I know I will never know. It's the future I am concerned about now. He doesn't know that I can check the bills, Well it's going to be hard to fully trust again,

Janaus may I ask what he is and has been doing to try and repair some of the damage he has done? Have you considered leaving?

That's so awful for you after so long together. I spent 20 years with H. We shared so many good times. I have read emails he sent OW, he was totally infatuated. Its a different feeling than long term comfortable love I suppose. He also says he wasn't thinking, he was in a haze. No excuse in my eyes, just how he describes it.

Fratellie, I think he has neatly swept it under the carpet and thinks it will go away.
He did organise weekend away. He has also started washing his own clothes, hanging out, and cooking his own meals sometimes. I am just not up to doing things.

To be honest, I don't really know what to expect. I couldn't stand him hovering around me all the time asking if I'm ok.
We work together, everything is going on same.

Fed up, he described OW as Chinese and 'not all there'. In my opinion he took advantage of her, even though he said she made the first move, .. Made a grab for him down there while he was working. Somehow cannot believe that. He did say she eventually text him and said she never wanted to see him again. I could tell by phone bill watching, that he attempted to contact her after this. Also installed 'Find phone' and I saw he did many drive bys without stopping. OMFg it sounds so much worse written down.

I guess I am staying because of age and time together. Time will tell. As you can tell, there is not a lot of trust.
I am again in the spare room. His attempts in the bedroom were not the greatest, deed done in his eyes, roll over, start snoring. Whats new.

You're right that he shouldn't be hovering over you etc. Do you think he has emotionally detached from the ow?

He should be in the spare room! Are there any feelings left between you two? Don't be scared of being single if that's your worry. You might be happier. You might also meet someone who treats you with the respect you deserve

I don't think he was emotionally attached at all. I think it was obsessive behaviour. Made him feel good about himself. She was also older woman. Thank goodness not 20 years younger. I believe it was offered to him, he took advantage of it, and didn't want to miss out.

We went to local shops together tonight. First time I have been 'out' in public with him. I have felt so ashamed, half feeling that everyone must know. Have avoided being in public with him except for work.

Oh dear. Do you think he might do it again? It's terribly sad you feel ashamed, he should feel ashamed not you. It sounds like your confidence has disappeared

Don't feel ashamed, I keep telling myself this too. Hold your head high and be strong. This is all a problem with him not you.xxx

This is so hard, not least because you have been together SO long. But you don't have to make any decisions about your future, straight away. Take your time. Mull it over. It took me 4 years to leave ExH (because of cheating). He had been my first BF and we'd been together for 20 years: I just didn't know anything else! But, as his behaviour didn't change, I left. I am now remarried and I know DH would never cheat on me. There's a lot to be said, for being secure in a relationship. I suppose you have to ask yourself, whether you can forgive him? I couldn't forgive and forget and in the end, we were just broken I guess. He begged me not to leave. Since then he's a had a long term GF. I am pretty sure he cheated on her too. She's now left and he is almost 50 and alone. It's so sad. I could shake him! I don't feel any ill will towards him now. I just wish he would pull himself together and grow up. I hate to say it, but I think he could do this again. The line has been crossed already hasn't it? It's easy to keep crossing it.

You know, thinking about it ... He always manages to embarrass me. Wherever we go, to social things, he always has to be the centre of attention. Acts like the class clown.
He is going away for a golf weekend, planned a year ago. Give me time to think things over.

Yes not having him there will be good for you to think. It sounds like he doesn't brings anything positive to the relationship!

Ok, 2.30 am here in Aus. Try to get some sleep. Thanks for letting me rant. Love you guys!!

OP you're about the same age as I am. How many years do we have left - thirty or so if we're lucky? Do you want to spend those years with a man like this? Never mind what the children or the grandchildren want. Never mind the job; that could be sorted. Do you want to live with him, look after him as he inevitably ages and maybe becomes ill. If he had a stroke next week, would you want to be his carer, given how he's treated you?

You have one life. Do you want to spend it with him, knowing what you know?