Hello,
Not sure why i've come on here but i've literally no one to talk to about it. Sorry about the sheer length of this!
When i met my partner he was very possessive and insecure for around 6 months; accusing me of doing things with other people, wanting to know absolutely everything about me etc.. Then suddenly he stopped and seemed a lot more secure in us as a couple. I found out i was pregnant and looking back i think because he'd changed so much so quickly it put questions in my mind. I admit i was a nightmare, id accuse him of only watching films for the women in it etc and after a few weeks we broke up. We barely spoke during my pregnancy, i didnt make it easy for him but even in late pregnancy he did nothing for me.
When my son was born in April we clicked again and as far as i thought, fallen in love with each other again. I was so happy for the first month or so, despite him leaving his job. Then after another month i began to feel insecure again, petrified of him watching pornography or finding other women sexually attractive, again, i was a nightmare. I couldnt understand why he needed porn when he had me so i would ask him questions to help me understand. Thinking back, i can see how awkward and embarrassing that must have been for him but at the time i didn't. He broke down a few times saying that it was too much and he couldnt cope, and although i couldnt help it at the time i decided to get professional help. Within a couple of weeks i had counselling and cognitive behavioral therapy which over the space of two months helped me significantly. My partner was supportive the whole time, apart from the odd argument, i had no clue how he's now saying he felt. Apparently, my insecurity while i was dealing with my issues (historic rape, parental neglect and previous emotionally abusive relationships) really ground down his own confidence and self esteem.
I fully accept that my actions at the time could cause this, but he has suffered with depression for most of his life and has denied his issues since we met. After we got back together he left his job and since then he's been on a depressive downward spiral. He is obsessive about his weight but loves to gorge on food, he likes to be extrovert but is on the whole introverted, he had a tough relationship with his mum who passed away over 10 years ago, he feels guilty not living with his eldest daughter, he always feels as though he doesnt fit in, he has health problems relating to his heart, he has been emotionally abused and cheated on repeatedly by previous partners, he was victim of racial hate crimes as a teenager, he found out his father wasn't the man who raised him when he was 18, he has never lasted in any jobs and never gets opportunities to earn a decent wage.
Despite all this, he is pretty much blaming his current depression on how i was when i was going to counselling and living with me and my children. Although he is brilliant with my elder daughters when he's happy, he is often very negative about them both (to me) and get stressed easily. He has admitted he is suicidal most days and to be fair he has been to his GP and has been taking anti depressants, he is also in the process of getting his own counselling. But still, he makes me feel as though it is all my fault.
After i addressed my issues i was a lot calmer and easier to live with, i accepted the porn thing and him finding other women attractive (doesnt sound like much but for me back then it was an enormous step). As soon as i got better, he got worse. On a couple of occasions he commented that he wasnt coping living in a family environment and that he felt depressed, but i had no idea my behavior before had effected him because he never said. Deep down i think i knew, i had a gut instinct from then that he didnt feel the same, that he wasn't happy. This was partly because he started staying up late most nights, sleeping in all day, not having any real interest in our relationship and his sex drive plummeted. He said it was just him, his depression and possibly the anti depressants. I could understand it, as much as i hated it, and i supported him because i had no real reason to believe my gut instinct.
It was only when our 6 month old son went into hospital for a routine kidney operation that i found out how he was really feeling. While my son was there my partner stayed with him overnight while i looked after my daughters, this cut me up inside not being able to be with my baby. i couldnt eat and could barely sleep. I went every day for most of the day to see him but i was still full of worry as soon as i got home. My partner doesnt have a phone because he broke his (during a temper tantrum) so my 10 year old daughter let him borrow hers so that we could keep in touch.
To cut a long story short, one day while at the hospital with our son, my partner took a shine to a Clinical Support Worker on the ward, as she did him. I visited the hospital that day, he was perfectly normal with me and she chatted to me while changing my son's dressing. My partner was talking about he'd like us to get married as he walked me back to my car. I later found out via facebook that he had been searching for her on there all day, flirting with her, then when he couldnt find her on facebook he asked for her Instagram details which she gladly gave him. They spoke on instagram about me, each other, then apparently she said she was wet for him and wanted to 'swallow his c**k' .. this is someone supposedly there to take care of my son! He did all this on my daughter's phone too, even sent a couple of her pictures to his friend bragging about it all. He told her he wouldn't LEAVE me, not that he wouldn't cheat, and he later admitted he may have met her and slept with her. When i found all this out i was heartbroken, all that time building myself up and putting all that trust into him just for him to turn around and do what i feared him doing in the first place! To think after me baring my soul to him the way i have he could so easily deceive me in that way really hurt. He says he sent her a message telling her he was making a go of it with me and she said good luck, but with how he's been since all this i'm doubting it more all the time!
He hasn't once apologized for what he did, only said he's sorry that i found out. He says he didnt mean to hurt me, she just had confidence and made him feel good about himself. That's when he dropped those bombs on me; he doesnt feel sexually connected with me anymore, he isnt 'in love' with me, in a way resents me for how i made him feel and that he's only with me for our son. However, at the same time, saying he does love me and wants to be with me he just doesn't know how to get past how he's feeling. We decided to go to relationship counselling, he was adamant that it would be the only thing that would help us, but due to various reasons we had to rearrange the first two sessions then on the third he just didnt bother getting home from the gym in time and suddenly he was saying we'll be ok with him getting his counselling, completely changed his opinion.
He will go to the gym for anywhere between 2 and 5 hours every day, he stays up all night and sleeps in all day while i do everything around the house and with the kids, on a couple of occasions he has been in bed until 5pm! He only helps around the house if i've moaned the day or so before, and he sees nothing wrong in it! We have practically no sex life, there's rarely a spark between us, we cuddle a few times a day but usually when walking past eachother in the house and it either feels forced on his part or he just wants to play with my chest (as a comfort thing - not sexual!). We never go out as a couple, he doesn't come on family days out because he gets too stressed, he plays football manager literally from the second he gets up to the second he goes to sleep, he watches endless tv series' on his laptop while i do my bit around the house and leaves mess everywhere the same as everyone else. He is obsessed with football and wrestling, which i dont mind, but at the moment they're the only things he shows any passion or enthusiasm for. The majority of comments i get from him are negative; i'm not washing up properly, i'm not parenting my children properly, i'm not washing the laundry properly, he was better off when he was single, he managed to do what he needed to do when he was single, he knows other women who do what i don't or vice versa... I hardly hear anything positive at all, even regarding himself!
Since he moved in i've financially supported him, even bought him clothes to make him feel better about himself and the overpriced food he likes that i wouldn't normally get. He pays nothing towards bills or food, even though he is receiving ESA and won £500 a couple of weeks ago. He's hardly contributed at all. I don't even know where his money goes. I don't mind helping him when he needs it but im starting to feel like such a doormat! I just feel as though he's only with me for the roof over his head (without me he's homeless). I barely feel like i'm in a relationship, we're hardly ever intimate, regularly arguing about how the relationship is or about his criticisms of me, he never wants to spend time with me and is more concerned about his laptop and being on his own. Any romance we had has disappeared and i can honestly say i've never felt so lonely. Whenever i bring it up he says its his depression and that he can't help it, but i can't help the fact that he's making me feel miserable. I encourage him in anything he wants to do, i paid for him to join the gym just so he could feel better about himself, ive spent most mornings/days doing everything around the house and taking care of the children so that he can rest. I'm the one who's nudged out of bed every morning when the kids wake up, even if i've been up in the night with the baby. I've had no more than three lie ins in the past 7 months. Am i really being unreasonable wanting him to come to bed at a normal time so that he can help in the mornings more? I really dont mind him staying up now and again, but every night is just driving a massive wedge between us, particularly after what's happened.
It feels unfair, i feel lonely, unattractive, unwanted, unappreciated, unloved, used, rejected, emotionally spent, physically exhausted and pretty much on the verge of a breakdown. Yet i've given him and our relationship everything i've got. Other women get cheated on and their partners cant apologize enough, or at least try to make up for it and prove themselves. Mine has done nothing of the sort, in fact he's become even more distant. I'm determined not to get depressed again or let it affect my self esteem but it's getting so hard to fight it off with how things are. I feel i've dealt with any issues that effected us as a couple, i still have some issues i'm learning to live with, but i've been so trusting and understanding towards my partner, i'm so different to how i was. He blames me and how i behaved when i was depressed for how he's feeling now and for looking for an escape in another woman (even though i had stopped all insecurity and paranoia two months before), but doesn't seem to care that he's piled even more pressure on me over a longer length of time. I genuinely dont think he cares if we're in a relationship or not, he just doesnt want me to kick him out. He denies this but hasnt said or done anything at all to convince me.
I love him so much, although i am starting to resent him and see him differently as time goes on, and even that upsets me. He was brilliant when i was going through my issues, and usually he is very playful, loving and supportive towards me and my children. Generally, he takes on the stepdad role really well apart from his depression, but even then he doesn't see it himself. He has helped me so much emotionally and spiritually, now though it just feels like it's all being sucked back and i don't know whether it is as he explains it, that he's depressed and in a bad place but he hopes he will be better after therapy. In which case how do you cope with or support someone who just doesn't show they care? i know that's the nature of depression but even at my worst, i still was able to show him love and affection, and he was able to see regular improvements. It feels so one sided being the only person who really acts as though they want the relationship! Or, is he just using me for a place to stay until he has a better option? ( and possibly still speaking to the woman from the hospital). I'm at my wits end, i don't know what to think. I've wanted to kick him out to save myself from all this but if i do that i leave him homeless but if i end the relationship and continue to live with him i'll risk completely ruining myself emotionally. I can't handle the rejection and the constant reminder of the past few months, i'm not even sure if i'm being selfish in saying that. Then there's the affect it will have on my children, if i let him stay or if i kicked him out.
It seems like such an impossible situation, in the mean time i just have to carry on holding it together for us and the children but i feel as though i've got less and less energy for it every day.
Am i an idiot? has anyone been in this or a similar situation before?
I'd be so grateful for an outsider's perspective!
:)