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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner too strict? or am i too soft? help please

54 replies

30006168ce · 17/11/2015 19:45

Hi. I am a mum of 1 beautiful little girl, who will be 4 in 2 weeks time. DD has always been a pleasure to be around and in my eyes you don't get many children as well behaved or mannered as her. I have been with my partner now for 3 years who is not her father, she has grown a relationship with him now of course. He has just bought a house and wants us to move in with him, its a lovely house, garden and spare rooms and garage.... Perfect place to bring up a child. The only problem is, is that I feel hes too strict on her and I don't want her to be unhappy, her behaviour has descended in this past month and I am dealing with it the best I can but I feel like he is telling me what I should be doing with her to discipline her too much, i feel like he never gives her a break, even minor things like making a mess or spilling food hes on her back, im fed up of it, i think he struggles to remember she is 3 not 13, I feel like he wants her to behave immaculately 24/7 and this past few weeks he has said a few things that have concerned me 'in this new house there will be none of that, i am the boss, i will have the authority' I do not want to be in the position where i feel embarrassed of something my daughters done in the new house because of him making me feel like its his house and his rules. I feel so silly because i know he loves us dearly and i know he just wants the best for her but im sick of being stuck between my daughter and him, because of course, my daughter will always win and its causing problems in our relationship. Can anyone give me advice? or if it was you, what you would do? We are due to move in, in 2 weeks time xx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/11/2015 21:27

Do you know what...op, you are out of order

You shouldn't be letting some bloke treat your child like that. Give your head a wobble.

itsmeohlord · 17/11/2015 21:31

Do not move in with this man - you MUST chose your daughter and her welfare.

This man sounds like a real control freak. Stay in your own house and kick him into touch.

lunar1 · 17/11/2015 21:39

This would all be so much worse if you lived with him. Consider this your lucky escape.

Original poster

30006168ce · 17/11/2015 21:41

she wants to move , she is excited, she loves him very much. He was brought up to be well behaved and had quite a strict background, I think he does what he thinks is right, I spoke to him tonight and he apologised and said he only tried to help, I have told him I wont be moving with him and he is devastated but told me to do whats best for me and for her. I genuinely do not think he would be an 'abuser' as some are mentioning, he said he was joking when he said hes the boss, I maybe did take it too sensitively, but I am following my instincts and for the time being I am staying put

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 17/11/2015 21:43

You didn't take it too seriously. He's back pedalling and passing off his comments as jokes and you are doubting yourself. Please stick to your guns and note actions, not words. Also expect a month or so of best behaviour from him.

OneMoreCasualty · 17/11/2015 21:44

I am glad you are staying put.

He wasn't joking, BTW, he was testing your boundaries and seeing what he got back. He'll be more subtle next time. Be very wary (actually, leave, but if you won't do that, do some reading up on controlling men)

AnyFucker · 17/11/2015 21:45

Good for you

Now next time he "tries to what is right by your dd" tell him to fuck right off

Who does he think he is ?

AnyFucker · 17/11/2015 21:45

tries to do

goddessofsmallthings · 17/11/2015 21:52

I genuinely do not think he would be an 'abuser' as some are mentioning

Please wake up from the spell he's put you under, OP.

even minor things like making a mess or spilling food hes on her back

He IS an abuser and if you move in with him your dd's life won't be worth living - and nor will yours.

I am following my instincts and for the time being I am staying put

I sincerely hope that you will summon every maternal instinct you possess and end your relationship with this man or, at the very least, only see him when your dd is not around so that she is not subjected to any more abuse from him.

PrincessHairyMclary · 17/11/2015 21:55

Run! He sounds controlling. The two of you will be much happier alone.

LineyReborn · 17/11/2015 22:06

Has he suggested that you two 'try for a baby' yet? That'll be next. You'll be tied and obligated to him.

Also, what's his dad like?

HPsauciness · 17/11/2015 22:11

Op, well done for following your gut instinct. I'm absolutely sure you have made the right decision. She sounds a lovely little girl, he sounds not lovely at all, even if he is backpedaling now he realises you aren't going to put up with his domineering ways.

Rachel0Greep · 17/11/2015 22:13

Please, please don't doubt your instincts, protect your little girl, and don't move in with him.

ootsideinbacktaefront · 17/11/2015 22:14

Run like the fucking wind

Original poster

30006168ce · 17/11/2015 22:18

Thanks everyone your comments have made me realise I'm not just being over protective and I am right! I should never have doubted myself. He's going alone!

OP posts:

Footle · 17/11/2015 22:31

Hooray ! You have picked up your little girl and stepped back from the cliff edge.

DragonsCanHop · 17/11/2015 22:37

Trust your gut instinct

ciele · 17/11/2015 22:46

Try listening to the Archers!!

Muldjewangk · 17/11/2015 23:16

Good for you OP, you have made the right decision. Could you also tell him, your house your rules. I would never let a man come into my house and start telling my children what to do. I don't care how long he has known her, she is three years old, tell him to get off her back.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 18/11/2015 13:47

'in this new house there will be none of that, i am the boss, i will have the authority' Er, you what? How was your trip in the Time Machine? What's the weather like in 1945?

pocketsaviour · 18/11/2015 14:51

Good for you OP.

Bear in mind that children often love things that aren't good for them. Sugary snacks, staying up past bedtime, swimming without armbands, abusive adults. It's up to us as parents to make those decisions that are in their best interests.

Vagabond · 18/11/2015 15:05

I'd say that almost every mother would bristle at their partner berating their child and your natural instinct to protect your daughter is kicking in.

Perhaps have a look at the step-parents forum - a lot of experts there.

Good luck.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 18/11/2015 15:25

Well done OP, it was the right thing. Many a truth spoken in jest, etc. Anyone who could even joke about being the 'authority' in a family home isn't ready to be part of a family unit.

Pannacott · 18/11/2015 15:46

Oh good for you, really well done for protecting your sweet girl. She deserves a childhood of exploring and learning, not to be bullied and frightened in her own home.

Jan45 · 18/11/2015 16:34

I've been in his position in that I have experienced my partner's child and I can tell you I am no abuser but still I found the whole step parenting scenario impossible, in fact I hated it, I can tell your b/f will feel the same, he's already imposing his way on your daughter, which is wrong, you are in charge of that but yes if you all moved in together he'd have more authority and yes it would cause nothing but grief for all of you, he's not wired the right way to be able to cope with someone else's child, I wasn't either, doesn't make me vile or an abuser though although your b/f sounds a bit of a control freak, in fact I'd tell him where to keep his opinions, stay as you are, don't risk it.

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