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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice on OW trying to make contact following end of affair

69 replies

tyres · 17/11/2015 14:16

We are currently dealing with an affair that has just ended. The OW is reacting angrily (has sent texts etc). I have asked partner to block her online for everything, which he has. Leaving the only way to make contact either by post or in person (she has our address). Is this the right thing to do? I am not looking for advice on dealing with partner. Thanks.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 17/11/2015 19:07

I get that this is a trying time, OP but nobody here cheated on you.

I really think you need to be a little less aggressive when dealing with people. MN posters aren't your enemies!

I think if you've had to ask him to block contact then there was quite a serious relationship?

You don't know what she's like, but if she's angry and has believed a bucketload of lies, it's possible she'll turn up at your door.

I don't know what I'd do in that situation, honestly. I mean, you can't blame her for being angry, can you?

hazzie56 · 17/11/2015 19:15

tyres - how long did the affair go on for?

spudlike1 · 17/11/2015 19:28

Your lack of info on the back story makes it difficult not draw assumptions on the behaviour of husband .
You could
Call her
Write to her
Block her
Ask husband to:
call her
Write to her
Block her

Sansoora · 17/11/2015 19:33

Tyres, if they want to be in touch they will be so it matters not a jot what you have your husband block. I wouldn't even be going down that road. I'd have to let it play out.

hazzie56 · 17/11/2015 23:09

OP I think I know you

AnyFucker · 17/11/2015 23:22

This is your husband's problem

Leave him to sort it out.

Lovehandles · 18/11/2015 00:15

I really don't think anyone says my wife doesn't understand me anymore

lavenderhoney · 18/11/2015 00:32

Unless he goes completely phone/ computer etc free you won't be able to block anyone. It takes seconds to set up new accounts etc. And to buy a new phone. For her and him.

What are you so afraid of if she does come round? Or talk to him in the street? You already know about the affair. He's still with you.

What's he afraid of is more pertinent. As you know about the affair and are still there.

Maryz · 18/11/2015 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janaus · 18/11/2015 01:40

My DH still has OW on contacts listed as "Wally", yes, I must be stupid or something. Unknown to him, I 'blocked' contact on his phone, yes, he is an idiot and won't realise. I will know from phone bill if he makes contact, I would not know if she made contact otherwise.
Hope the Ow in your case backs off, so you can work things out.

AyeAmarok · 18/11/2015 08:10

OP do you think you're taking your anger with your husband out on Jan/MN? MN is not the enemy. You do need to deal with these feelings at some point or they will eat away at you.

Let your H deal with the consequences of is actions, it will probably tell you a lot.

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2015 08:13

Don't think op wants to hear this stuff.

As a wider observation, I think it can be cruel when the cheating spouse gets taken back and then the couple turn against the affair partner, but that's life I suppose. It's so much easier to hate a stranger than somebody you thought loved you.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/11/2015 08:18

Unknown to him, I 'blocked' contact on his phone, yes, he is an idiot and won't realise. I will know from phone bill if he makes contact, I would not know if she made contact otherwise.

This is so very sad.

Buttercup443 · 18/11/2015 09:20

How about taking out a cease and desist order?

Keep proof of all contact made and a diary of it. Then threaten her with cease and desist.

MN is not your enemy. People here have taken the time to reply. Just ignore the opinions you don't want to hear but no need to be snippy.

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2015 10:58

Cease and desist? Really? Because she's presumably hurt and angry because of the DHs shitty dishonest behaviour?

By all means if she is becoming threatening or you feel she is harassing you, but while she's just newly been dumped and blocked I think using the law to shut her up is downright shoddy.

IrianofWay · 18/11/2015 11:33

It doesn't matter whether she is blocked if she really wants to contact him she will. And that is OK. She feels she had something to say to him. The onus is on him to tell her to keep away, and that he isn't interested, not you. His baby to rock. The most important thing he can do for you is tell you when there is contact and what was said.

If she becomes threatening you contact the police.

There is no excuse for threatening behaviour no matter what she believed the status of the relationship to be. And whatever was done to her was done by your H not you.

MorrisZapp · 18/11/2015 11:39

There's nothing in the OP to suggest that she has been contacted directly, or at all. She was just asking if blocking was the right thing to do.

IrianofWay · 18/11/2015 11:39

I sympathise btw OP. MN does tend to get very angry about affairs (understandably) and some posters are unable to offer calm and measured advice. If you have made the decision to try to reconcile after the affair you don't need people telling you 1. you are wrong to do so and, 2. that your H had behaved really badly. If 1 is true you will find out in your own time and 2. I don't suppose you need telling that.

And no, you don't have to sympathise with the OW right now. It's perfectly OK to hate her guts. As time passes you may well feel more sympathy towards her.

Maryz · 18/11/2015 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 18/11/2015 13:52

OP is in denial, if I have to read another thread about a woman feverishly cleaning up the shit that her man has done to her I will give up on hope.

No man is worth having that treats you like this, and no man is worth fighting over either - he must be sitting back enjoying his apparent adoration by both and doing FA to fix any of it.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 18/11/2015 14:04

Just because he's blocked her on his phone, doesn't mean he can't go out and buy a "Pay as you Go" phone, behind your back, and carry on where he left off.

He is so devious, that he had no problem sleeping with her, and then coming home and looking you in the face/sleeping with you. That's not for the faint hearted. It's truly gut wrenching.

Men like this don't change. They just get better at hiding it. My ExH did it again and again. It's a miserable existence, being married to an arsehole like this.

Get out. I know you don't want to hear this. I say it with a good heart, as I am sure you deserve so much better.

violetsarentblue · 18/11/2015 17:42

By all means if she is becoming threatening or you feel she is harassing you, but while she's just newly been dumped and blocked I think using the law to shut her up is downright shoddy.

Rubbish.
If a woman decides to start a relationship with a married man and the married man goes back to his wife, then what does she expect?
OW don't deserve sympathy. They know what they're getting into.
These things don't just 'happen'.

violetsarentblue · 18/11/2015 17:44

I can't believe someone is asking the wife to be sympathetic to the OW! Shock

Now I've definitely heard it all.

Maryz · 18/11/2015 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 18/11/2015 17:55

Involving the law - good luck with that, talk about airing your dirty laundry.