Siblings- how well do you get on with yours (honestly)?

[ApplesandPears2]

Have I an unrealistic view of how it should be?
I come from a small family - just me, my brother and parents. We don't have many relatives- all my parents' relatives have died.
My brother is younger than me and we don't live near each other.I'm becoming more and more disappointed by his lack of interest in my kids (who are now adults.) He is unmarried, never had a relationship beyond 6 months with anyone (they dumped him) and he doesn't appear now to want a relationship (he's almost 50). When my kids were younger he did send them the odd Xmas and birthday voucher but once they were a bit slow to thank him (typical teenagers and I didn't approve) so he stopped. They continue to send him a Xmas card. He doesn't give my DH anything at Xmas - only buys for me- and never ever visits us (he did once or twice when my kids were younger and hid behind his magazines he'd brought with him, barely talking to them.)

The thing is, when he and I were kids at home, our house was full of our relatives- aunts, uncles, grandparents - and we were a close family. I feel disappointed that he's made no effort whatsoever to create any kind of relationship with my kids because he is their only uncle in the UK (their other one lives half way across the world and has emigrated.)

I'm just ranting really, but it's come to the fore in my mind lately as both my DCs have had fairly major changes / events in their lives and he's not shown a jot of real interest.

My sister and I are very close. We text pretty much every day and try to meet up every couple of weeks minimum. However we have become much closer in recent years, since my son grew up and left home.

My sister has no DC and has never wanted them, and has no idea how to interact with children/teens. I would never have asked her to babysit! She always sent cards and presents for my DS though. She is kind towards him, but she doesn't love him. That's just her, and I don't let it upset me.

I've got one brother.

We live around 60 miles apart now, he's got no children (they did 6 ivf cycles :( ) so our lives are quite different, but he's one of my very best friends.

We have the same taste in music, so go to lots of gigs together.

We were really close growing up, and one of my dearest wishes is that my two kids have a similar relationship.

I'm the oldest of the DC and I like one DB a lot. The others get on really well and go on holiday together. I think they find me dull! My other DB told DN that I had bullied him when we were small. I remember fighting a lot as we were only 18m apart but I recall it as 50/50. I wonder what will happen when our DPs are gone. I can imagine we will drift apart.

name I completely see your point and you see mine.

What I am saying is that the relationship I have with my brother is echoed by the relationship he has- or rather doesn't have or want to have- with anyone.

I regard him as emotionally 'mean' because he doesn't want to share his time, his money, his love, or anything with anyone more than it suits him. I doubt at 50-ish he'd be meeting a woman with young children and doing the school run. That's fine- his choice. The only people he invests time in are our parents and when they are no longer alive I suspect he will be a very lonely middle aged man.

Hmm. Not sure whether to admit any of this or not...

I wouldn't say I was particularly close to my brother, but I know we'd always be there for each other if needed. We only really meet up at family gatherings. He has children, I have 1.

This is the tricky bit to admit... I'm not really interested in his children. I don't enjoy their company, I don't think they're very well behaved. They don't do anything new or exciting. I send presents and cards and I'm lovely to them when we do meet up, but I would never go out of my way to see them. I can think of no reason why I should have to either.

I have 5 siblings.

Eldest - we're fairly close. My kids love him and he is nearby. Have lunch once or twice a month.
Second - not close. We were growing up and I know if I really needed him he'd make all the right noises, but probably wouldn't be there.
Third - lives abroad. We chat most days on WhatsApp and I appear to be the closest sibling to him.
Fourth - email regularly, he's brilliant. I'd love him even if he weren't my brother.
Five - my sister is amazing. She still lives with my folks abroad so we're not terribly close but we talk a lot.

Terrible family! I see my parents bcs they're old but I am decidedly nc with my toxic siblings. No exaggeration, toxic is the word. There are support groups out there for people with toxic siblings.

I know that doesn't give much perspective as there are no narratives. Let's see: my elder sister is an art snob, they live in a house that would feature in a magazine. She is a ruthless and brutal bully. My brother lives practically on a council estate, has a wife who is ignorant in the extreme. My brother hasn't had his teeth done, lots of gaps at the front. Never had a present or card from him ever. When I called him to tell him i'd had my first child he exclaimed his sil had just had twins. My other sister, well, she is one poisonous individual who has specifically targeted me for great harm throughout my life - to great effect I'm sorry to say.

So that's my family. I'd love a functioning family, how amazing that would be! I realise my experience has been so awful I may have a rose-tinted view of what family could be. You see progs like Long Lost Family and marvel that people waste family they have. It's such a privilege to have yet they waste it.

I have one brother who is spiteful, unpleasant, arrogant & overbearing. He is 3 years older & regularly beat the crap out of me as a child. I would be very happy to neither see nor hear from him ever again.

My older brother can be crap at staying in touch and remembering birthdays etc. Luckily he's married to someone who isn't so crap.

We've had our ups and downs but we make an effort to see each other as often as we can and we 'talk' (via FB) regularly.

I wouldn't mind if there were no presents. I can't imagine what he thinks of my two sometimes.

Perhaps your brother likes peace and quiet and doing whatever he wants to. Some people could say it is selfish but you are all grown ups now.

I do know a single man who has told me he loves his life, his hobbies, freedom etc and that he never gets lonely even though he has family who'd probably like to see him sometimes!
I echoed what you said above 'What about when you're older? What about when you might NEED help? What if you change your mind and it's too late?' He went in a massive mood with me and sulked until I said sorry. Oh well!

My brother sounds like yours, Apples, although to be fair he is more generous and we do exchange presents and cards. But the sitting behing a magazine at family events and generally being v grumpy - yes nodding at that!

Do you think your brother doesn't 'get' the social convention of buying for your kids and DH, or is it just a case of not wanting to as he sees it as being out of pocket? (I have a socially challenged friend who thinks like that).

I adore my sister.

She's neurotic as fuck, but then so am I. Regularly forgets my birthday, flakes out on 4 out of 5 of our Skype dates, but I don't care. I have my own quirks, which she puts up with. I love her as she is. I've stopped getting annoyed by her quirks and just take them in my stride, and focus on how much she means to me.

Just a thought - your brother is single at 50, doesn't like change, doesn't take risks and is not good at maintaining social connections with you and your DH/DCs. He also doesn't have any friends but you think he is happy with his life.

Is there any chance he isn't mean but actually high functioning autistic? He just isn't interested in all the friendship and relationship connections that mean so much to you because he doesn't really understand them and can live happily without them?

Only a thought and will stop doing armchair psychiatry now.

Hard to know Squidgy, hard to know.
I always wanted a sister - all my friends had sisters and they had a ready-made playmate. I was an only child for years then I got a brother. Damn.

He's not autistic- def not- and as I have professional experience in that field, I am 100% he isn't.

He is just 'him'. He has very limited life experience, very much a loner- doesn't make the effort generally with people of either sex- and has never mixed with friends with children. The fact he has got to 50 and has never had a relationship, ever, says a lot. He's had dates but the longest GF he had was 6 months and it was LD and she dumped him. Oh and he's not gay in case anyone asks.

I think Squidgy he just doesn't get the conventions of family - cards, presents etc. He hates Xmas and birthdays and therefore makes no fuss of anyone else at these times.

I can't change him of course, I love him in a family sense, I'd stand by him and help him out, but he's never been a 'friend' or anyone I'd share my issues with.

I have two sisters (I'm the middle one) and we get on great. I live walking distance from one, see her at least 3/4 times a week and my other comes to my house most days. They both love spending time with family and I can honestly say they are my best friends. They would do anything for me and I would do anything for them

is worried she may out herself but, fuck it

My family was always pretty dysfunctional but after my parents and my sister died, my remaining siblings and I seemed to grow closer. For a few years. Dynamics shifted around a bit. The oldest brother has either gone NC or has been pushed out. Bit of both maybe. The remaining brothers and a nephew are now all very blokes together sort of thing. I've had some serious fallings out with my younger brother over opinions and attitudes. Which is a shame because he was the one I was closest too. The others, when I was younger, treated me either with indifference, or they sneered and mocked me.

They have a mawkish and sentimental regard for the dead in our family and choose to remember our parents in a Disney-fied way. I don't, and this creates ructions. I wonder if perhaps I were dead they might like me better.

Last Friday I was in Paris in the area where the shootings took place. They knew I was there (they were all, along with various SILs and kids, having a big family do to which I had not been invited) but not one, NOT ONE of them has contacted me to ask if I'm ok. Not a word, a text, a Facebook message, let alone a phone call.

For me, this feels like a real cut off point. Like they are forcing me out in the same way they (probably) forced my eldest bro out - by just not caring or including me any more. It's a form of bullying really. And it brings back how they were with me as a child. The cliquey-ness, and the shitty behaviour.

And I wonder what the bloody hell is wrong with me. I have friends who like and love me. But my family could not give a shit about me.

I'm glad to have got that out, it's been gnawing at me for days.

I have a brother and a sister. I greatly dislike my brother. There's a lot of history between us, but in the end none of that really matters - he's just not the kind of person I would ever like normally. My mother can't let this go though and constantly tries to "unite" us, which just pushes me further from wanting to have any contact. He's got children too, and my mother very obviously favours them over mine. He is definitely the golden child.

He does nothing. He never assists or makes any effort for anyone. He's selfish and self-important despite being a total loser. He's never once apologised for all the things he's done in the past. And his wife is awful. Since he's married her I've distanced myself and really only see him at family gatherings when I'm forced too. As for his children - well I'm going to sound like a bitch but they really are strangers to me. I guess I'm supposed to care about them, but I've seen them maybe a handful of times since they were born and I just don't care. I actually find them a bit odd. But then my brothers parenting style is odd, so I guess it's not really their fault. Sadly though, they seem to be turning out just like him and her. So I doubt my opinion of them will ever change and I can't see us ever growing any type of bond there despite my mother trying to force it. She even uses my children to try and manipulate us in a "you really love and miss x and y, don't you kids. I'll take you to see them soon, or maybe Mummy can take you...". Of course, she never follows through on these threats promises, but it's still very annoying.

My sister is lovely though. She's beautiful, friendly, funny. I love her so much. There's a big age gap between us and I guess I've always mothered her a bit. She has no children of her own, but always makes an effort and very obviously loves mine. I can't wait for her to have kids when she's ready as I know they'll be wonderful, just like her.

My situation is exactly the same as namechangerrr's except they're not married....yet!

Sister One: I last saw 18 months ago, previously 18 months before that. She has instigated those (she's asked to come and stay with my niece) but when she's here she spends all her time on Facebook or catching up with email. She's very popular and has masses of her friends, but she has no interest in me or my little boy at all - she glazes over when I speak. She occasionally sees my DH when he's in London, as they sometimes go to the same gigs.

Sister Two: I last saw 5 years ago. We argued badly on that occasion; we fall out most times we see each other. We were close growing up, but not in a good way. She now lives abroad, and sends a group email to the family annually.

The sisters do not have a relationship with each other, and Sister Two does not have one with my mother. Sister One sees my mother once a year or so. I have not seen my mother for over 5 years, and have not spoken for two years. We email every couple of months.

Sadly, my DH's brother, to whom he has always been close, seems to be avoiding contact at the moment. At first he seemed interested in DS, but now makes no effort to see him.

It's sad really, but you can't make people care or be interested in your children if they aren't, so for your own self respect you have to step away.

I can honestly say i have never really had an argument with either my dsis or db. However i think that is mainly due to such a big age gap between us. But our family is really close and see eachother all the time. I think it took dp a while to get used to it when we first got together because his family are not close atall, so i think he found the weekly family get togethers and the half a dozen or so neices and nephews running round a little much at first. He loves it now though :)