what can I say?

[banox]

There has been a huge row which involves 2 of my siblings, their adult kids and my parents. So far I have only heard about it 2nd hand but have no idea what to say when one of those involved start to "tell me their side". I don't fit in with my family, never have and am usually the scapegoat. I am not good at saying what I think or standing up for myself. So I need a short response that I can use when needed that won't inflame people, will not give them a chance to pull me in (I'll end up the bad guy, I just know it), and wont make me look as if I am taking sides or don't care .

Fear and vulnerability always means I get stressed and my tone of voice doesn't help me stay aloof.

This is a serious matter and could, in fact probably will, escalate to the point where the authorities and possibly local newspapers take an jnterest so it's not going to go away. Can't give further details as it would definitely out me.

I would be so grateful for any advice.

As you don't fit in with your family, and never have, I would just tell them you want to stay out of it.

Get on with your life and forget about them, life is too short.

Can you just say you don't want to talk about it each time they bring it up? Be insistent and consistent with each of them. And if they insist, don't answer the telephone to any of them anymore.

Could you cultivate 'vague and non- committal', murmuring things like 'that all sounds very difficult' with 'I can't really comment' as a backup, and a change of subject or an urgent phone call if escape is needed?

Please don't involve me in this.
I don't want to be involved.
I really don't want to be involved.
and repeat as required. Give it a bit of practice before you need to say it. Good luck; sounds like a nasty situation to be in.

"Mmmh hmm"
"I see."
"That sounds tough."
"Oh that's unfortunate."

Leave me out of it. I want nothing to do with it.

But even better than key phrases....

Stay away from them. Don't have any conversations. You are the scapegoat so what are you doing hanging out with them anyway? Especially if this matter is as serious as you suggest. Distance. Distance. Distance.

Given how serious it is, and the scapegoating, I'd avoid the non commital lines. Because they'll be interpreted as supportive by the biased speaker.

Tough as it is, I would stick to "I don't want to be involved / I've told you I'm not going to get involved / I don't want to talk about it as I'm not getting involved".

Keep "not involved" in any response.

If anyone later claims you said something or took a side, say "no I did not - I always said to everyone, I would not get involved".

Good advice above though to think about the wider issue and break free.

They've scapegoated you and now they want to use you again as a sounding board. You're just a device they use to suit their needs at any given time. They can't take anything out of the account if they've put nothing in. They've put nothing into your life - except aggro - so they can fuck off.

Get that straight in your head and it won't be as difficult to turn away. Let them implode.