Does it matter if you're not in love with your partner?

[Nikitasol]

He's a good dad and partner but I'm just not in love anymore. I don't feel anything about him really, just an absence of emotion. Does it matter? Can you carry on being in a relationship with someone when you're not in love. I don't mean in the early stage lovey dovey feeling but just generally loving someone. Can we just keep ticking over as a couple without that? It's all fine, not horrible, just a void really

There's a book called 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' which you might find useful.

Don't stay if you don't love him. I stayed with my ex for about 4 years longer than I should have, kept thinking it was best for the children and financially it made sense but I was so miserable and it rubbed off on everyone in the house.
Since splitting we are better friends and my children often remark about how much more I laugh these days.. I would never want them to think that being stuck and making do is enough.

The I love you book. Here is the book a PP mentioned. I've started reading it. It talks about initial feelings in a relationship, how you can become detached and how to reattach.

I'm reading it because my DH came home from work in a Friday 2mths ago just before I had to pick the kids up from school and dropped a bomb into my life. I love you but....

There are other issues which lead up to this (grief) but I was blindsided. I feel like he has been lying to me how entire married life. Do not do this to your DH. Talk to him, read the book together, do the exercises. Marriage is work, and it goes stale if effort isn't put in to your partner. You drift apart. It doesn't mean it's the end.

Carve out time for yourself. I've started going out with friends, coffees, lunches, nights out, and it makes a big difference to how I feel generally.

What made you fall in love with him initially?
Has he changed that much ?
Don't underestimate the effects of young DCs/lack of money, which sometimes means it's hard to do things together/enjoy life.
I have been married for 33 years, together for 35 . We have both had patches when we have not been 'in love' , indeed when I think about it , we sometimes didn't even like each other much either . A lot of it was financial pressure and DH's lack of self- esteem at no longer being the main breadwinner.
We went away, just the two of us ,for our 15th anniversary (finances had improved) and did a lot of talking (the DCs were 12 and 8). And agreed to work at it . I'm not saying it has been total bliss since, but it was a relationship worth saving. And while I don't believe is staying together'for the sake of the children' I do think you owe it to them to try and (re)ignite the spark

Its all about discussing your feelings with OH. And getting some 'you' time doing whatever you like to do most. As previous posters said - lots of talking about feelings makes the bond stronger.

Totally agree with other posters who've said 'ticking over' is definitely a normal or at least very common part of a relationship when you have DCs, I've definitely had this many times in 25 years. OP, you sound as if you feel submerged, or somehow your personality is affected by simply not ever having 'time off'. No-one can give or feel love if they feel this way. How is the division of labour in your relationship? Do your DCs bang on the toilet door to demand DP's attention? Maybe he's happier about the 'lack of space' issues because he's not experiencing them as badly as you are. So it could be that practical steps need to be taken re who does what & when, so that you can get some space back, start looking squarely at the money issues & feel less exhausted and powerless to change things? I had to constantly remind my DCs that they could badger me instead of their mum, they'd got into the habit of going to her with every problem because of the imbalance of domestic labour - she was doing 90% & that caused pretty much every problem between us. I might be barking up the wrong tree but there must be a reason you're feeling so overwhelmed/empty.

That's all really useful advice and experience, thanks for that. I will def check out the book mentioned and was thinking this morning that reading about relationships might be a start. We are still have sex and I do feel the urge in that sense although only about 3-4 times a month, though I guess that's pretty common with toddlers no? This is my only long term relationship so I wonder too if I just haven't experienced the ebbs and flows of a relationship shift previously and am a bit shocked and shifting feelings. I did take DS to my folks at the weekend whilst DP was away working partying with his band and that felt like a breath of fresh air not to be bickering and miserable and I even laughed a bit whilst away which made me feel worse in a way, like I am still in there somewhere but it's lost when we're at home together. I feel very lost at the moment about it all really.

If you possibly can do make sure you get regular time to yourself. If you're spending all day with small children and not getting time to recharge then you probably just don't have the emotional energy for anyone else. That may not be the root cause of your feelings but it could well be making them worse, and you'll likely benefit from it either way.

Thanks Ria