Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you say to a friend who is upset with you?

51 replies

friedafilmer · 16/11/2015 08:45

But you don't think you did wrong?

I had a falling out with one of my best friends early this year. And now I really do miss him.

He got mad at me because I said something that was true, but I guess he was in denial or wasn't ready to face the truth.

How do I say truce?

OP posts:
HoneysuckleAndJasmine · 16/11/2015 21:49

Was alcohol involved

Original poster
friedafilmer · 16/11/2015 21:51

No, nobody was drunk when we argued.

OP posts:
BlissfullyUnknown · 16/11/2015 21:52

A friend once said something to me that almost ended our friendship. He may have thought he was being fair. He wasn't. He was being a judgemental price and actually was giving an opinion on a situation he didn't know the first thing about.

I was the one to extend an olive branch in the end with a "you were wrong and bang out of order however, I miss the friendship we had" type conversation. He apologised, admitted he was a price and we're now back to being friends. Not the same friendship as although I have forgiven I have found it difficult to forget.

You could try but unless you're willing to apologise I wouldn't hold out much hope for him to be all that forgiving.

abbit · 17/11/2015 08:42

It sounds like he wound you up by saying things and then you got defensive and hit back, but he got offended. Therefore the fault is not all yours and you probably should try and have an honest discussion about how you both got to that point. If you just say sorry for what you said he won't understand that he also hurt you.

Arfarfanarf · 17/11/2015 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reni2 · 17/11/2015 09:07

Forget about it, you really did no wrong. He should be the one apologising.

Rather than worrying about getting him back ask yourself what it is about him you're missing, it can't be his insults and negativity. Which bits were good and how do you get those bits elsewhere without the hurt. Is he adventurous and fun? Find other fun people. He doesn't sound fun though, do you miss having a super-needy friend for whom you are the only friend? Don't, there are usually reasons if someone has no friends at all.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/11/2015 11:17

It does sound like he was judging and having a power play at your expense. That is his behavioral fault, not yours.

Your response in the moment showed you are not going to be a doormat. You shut him up (even though he already had his say!) which he deserved.

His hissy fit is another power play to shame you and claim some sort of moral superiority on his planet ...even if he never speaks to you again. This is his justification for dumping you before you dump him as everyone else has done before you.

Is it like he was 99% negative to you and you were 1% negative back? But there is hell to pay for that 1%.
It sounds like a one way "friendship". Is he usually so dismissive of you?

Jftbo74 · 17/11/2015 11:22

You've obviously hit a raw spot with that comment!! It was a below the belt comment for sure. You could have just said that you felt hurt. No reason to speak about their relationship at all

MrsClusterfuck · 17/11/2015 12:28

Fault on both sides but your 'that's why your wife left you' comment is way below the belt, sorry.

reni2 · 17/11/2015 13:23

It is of course possible that his negativity is the reason his wife left. Maybe it also is the reason he has no friends. Whilst the comment about it isn't nice, being such a killjoy is best avoided, so maybe he will be more careful with future friends and you have done him a favour.

I had a friend like this, she was like a dementor, sucking all happiness out of a room. I quietly dropped rather than doing the showdown you had, I sometimes wish I'd told her. I wouldn't rescue this friendship, I doubt you can anyway.

firefoxie · 17/11/2015 16:59

Was this one off negativity or is he often like this with you? If it was a one off then try and sort things out with sorry said on both sides. If it's his regular attitude to you then consider whether you do want to renew the friendship. From experience, regular negativity from a 'friend' can seriously affect your self-esteem.

Original poster
friedafilmer · 17/11/2015 21:15

No, it's not a one-off. And yes, I do realise my comment was below the belt but I was up to the brim. It does not make what I did right, but oh well. It was true though so maybe I validated his worst fear about himself.

He's a loner, but only opened up to me all his adult life, so I kind of feel guilty that I wasn't more patient. He can be really sweet to me, then he pulls back.

But no, this was not the first time he was negative to me. We have had a lot of fights like this with me holding my tongue and waiting for things to settle and then he'd cut the tension by being extra sweet, etc then we'd be friends again.

OP posts:
CakeMountain · 18/11/2015 00:23

I had a similar situation OP, of being pushed and pushed until I snapped - I was up to the brim too. Very, very similar dynamic - it is stressful and tiring, and if the other person won't listen you have to sometimes just give up.

LucySnow12 · 18/11/2015 07:54

You obviously miss his friendship. I have a very sensitive friend. She took offence at something I wrote in an email once and had a go at me. I didn't think what I wrote was so bad but I rang her up and apologised which she appreciated and everything is back to the same. I valued her friendship enough to accept the blame and move beyond it. To me it wasn't that important to make a stand. It's very easy to lose friendships over nothing. Of course, your friend has to be willing and big hearted enough to accept your apology. If you do want to try again, I would call him and speak about it.

firefoxie · 18/11/2015 08:42

You say that you are modifying your behaviour (biting your tongue and waiting for him to be nice again) and that you should be more patient with him because he has issues. This doesn't seem like a good friendship to me, friendships have ups and downs but there needs to be give and take on both sides. What do you get from the friendship?

MrsMolesworth · 18/11/2015 08:50

Took me years to work out that apologising to a friend when you think they are in the wrong, but you want to make up, is a very wise and sensible thing to do.

MatildaTheCat · 18/11/2015 09:29

It sounds like the reason he has no friends is that he dumps anyone who disagrees with him, or maybe they dump him. He also bears a grudge. Either way he sounds like hard work. If you did get back to friendship he will have the same traits and you will always be careful what you say.

He needs to heed your advice if he wants friends ( maybe he doesn't) and if I were in your position I'd be moving on. Some friendships don't make it.

Original poster
friedafilmer · 18/11/2015 20:52

Yes, I do really miss him. We have been friends for so many years. But I have been thinking and I was thinking what if we make up and then he does that again? Will I have to go back to holding my tongue?

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 18/11/2015 22:26

Well, perhaps not so much as holding your tongue per se. It might do better to be a little more diplomatic about your point of view than going for the Luke Skywalker 1in a million Death Star kill shot of busting his balls over his the fault that distroyed his marriage, iyswim. I really don't mean that to sound like a chastisement to you- it just may be something of his point of view on the comment.

However, if you can reflect over the history of your friendship: has it always been on his terms (which holding your tongue would fit in)? That would put you in a permanently subordinate position in the friendship though. I don't see how that would be good. It sounds like he'd be a slef esteem vampire and suck the joy out of your life (in addition to all of the negativity).

Original poster
friedafilmer · 18/11/2015 23:14

^Yes, like I mentioned, I know it was a low blow on my part - but the only one in seven years. And yes it does not make it right, but I was really up to the brim at that time. There I was feeling really good about a major life decision I have already made and really hopeful about the future, and he was spinning it to highlight the negative things about such decision. And it seemed he was just attacking me for no sane reason at all.

OP posts:
CakeMountain · 18/11/2015 23:18

self esteem vampire describes this sort of person so well. Think it through OP, I assume there is no rush, but do what is best for you.

reni2 · 18/11/2015 23:22

Yes, self-esteem vampire. Emotional leech. Friend? Not sure unless you really need to test your emotional resilience, bit like an emo-gym.

Original poster
friedafilmer · 21/11/2015 20:53

I think the term emotional/self-esteem vampire is correct.

I was standing in a stationery store the other day looking at Christmas cards and deciding whether or not I should send him one.

OP posts:
Original poster
friedafilmer · 21/11/2015 22:43

I also need to check if I miss him, or I miss the high-low hot-cold temperament.

OP posts:
CakeMountain · 01/12/2015 15:00

Don't know if you are still here OP, but yes, check whether it was the nature of the friendship that was drawing you in. Ultimately, this will be about something in you and early dynamics with family, rather than him - I am guessing he has provoked you due to something unresolved in you.