Are stupid these crushes a form of mid-life crisis?

[BananaMasher]

Hi
I'm writing this because I CANNOT talk to anyone in RL about it.
I have a massive crush on a female colleague and it's driving me mad. I have no idea why it started and it's certainly not reciprocal (she'd probably be horrified if she knew!). It's just so all-consuming and unsettling - I don't want it!! We are both married to men with children. I feel so guilty to be "somewhere else" emotionally even though it's pure fiction!
I have fought hard to build my family and although we've been through tough things, I think DH and I have a strong relationship (not perfect but good enough). I haven't been unfaithful in real life - not even close. However, I do consider myself to be bisexual but haven't shared this with anyone. This is not the first time I have had a crush on someone and I find it embarrassing (although I know it's quite common). My crushes have been men or women over the years.
I feel it's got worse recently. I'm in my mid 40s - could it be hormones or just escapism from long hours/small children etc etc. I'm doing my own head in!

Sorry not a direct response to the OP, but wondering if the pre menopausal burst of passion means that after the menopause all feelings of passion die .

Am 46 and peri menopausal myself. Would feel very sad not to feel lust anymore though it's not as if I get to act on any feelings of passion at the moment as my marriage is practically non-existent .

I don't think they die so much as one is prone to bursts of passion for the
most unlikely people at that time. A sort of madness! Not sure if this has ever been studied or if it's my frenzied imagination!

helzapoppin2 - interesting to hear that this is a thing. A couple of my friends have started mentioning meno symptoms but not this one! It sounds like it doesn't happen to everyone. Am finding it a bit unwelcome tbh.
I bet this has been studied - interesting topic! :)

Whathaveilost - your post made me smile and your family sound great!

carcrush - ((( ))) for you. That must be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with. What sort of signs has this woman given you? Have you ever talked about it or is it a body language/eye contact/flirting thing? You're right - I guess people could easily think it was one-sided, little realising the chemistry came from somewhere tangible. So hope you can work through this hun.

Translator - don't worry ! Have started researching and apparently there's lots of randy old ladies out there :). I think for many people it can subside and return (sometimes with a vengeance). Apparently STIs are rising in the over 60s so the urge doesn't seem to disappear for a lot of people. Hope you get a bit more passion in your marriage soon - it's a bugger the way drudgery and stress get in the way.

carcrush - that sounds really confusing! It must be extra hard as you're actually spending time together outside work. It sounds like a lot more than a crush tbh - more of an emotional affair? Hope am not speaking out of turn.
I wish you so much luck with the situation as it must be agony right now x

Am trying to avoid that atm but feel sad as want to be "ordinary" friends with my crush- it's just not going to be possible. We were supposed to be staying at a mutual colleagues after a work night out but I bailed as didn't want to sleep in the same house as her. As mentioned already, she has NO idea (I hope!) but I can't get close to her now. Tbh, wish I could change jobs and get away :(

I should probably name change for this, but feck it. I have had crushes on female colleagues five times now (in the space of about 12 years) starting from my mid 20s. In all cases it was someone older than me who I thought was really cool and interesting and desperately wanted to be friends with. My crushes made work miserable for me for so long, my job now is a dream as I'm not moping about madly in love with someone else in the office! I think I now I am more able to think to myself 'Wow, she's cool' and stop there rather than 'Wow, she's cool, I wish she would be friends with meeeee!' so maybe it is a self-confidence thing? It is horrible when you are in the throes of a crush, hugs to everyone going through it. Just be kind to yourself and remember there's nothing wrong with thinking these thoughts!

Thanks StormBraver - it sounds like you've got a handle on things nowadays. You're right, it is horrible feeling so out of control.
Feeling a bit more normal today so fingers crossed the madness will pass. Hey ho!

Just come out of my crush On a woman 20 years older than me. Completely nonsensical and surprising; so intense. It has finally lifted after months of not seeing her as the regular reason for our contact ended. I put it down to a combination of: weird existentialist feelings messing with my brain, a vacuum in the creative part of my soul which would usually be taken up with work/life issues and undirected hormone-racing sexual desire. Am married to a wonderful man and it was extraordinary the way it took over my mind and then ended just as suddenly. Best of luck to you all managing with it, it's an amazing and painful experience.

Thank you Maude - I'm glad that you're feeling yourself again after such an all-consuming experience! It sounds like you're holding onto your marriage just fine despite it all :)

I do think, as mentioned by a PP, that these very intense feelings as described by some posters are very akin to limerence. Which I had never even heard of until a recent thread on MN.

How are you getting on OP?

In a very similar situation myself, and was wondering if you talk on Facebook/text etc? I talk to a colleague (same gender) via Facebook and am sometimes tempted to say something but never do. Both in long term relationships/children. Business trips are also getting a bit difficult! Not sure what to do..

I had the exact same when I was in my early 30s. She was openly gay, but I was happily married to a man. It was a proper school girl type crush.
In the end I talked myself out of it, and not long after I changed job.
I honestly don't know what I would have done had the feeling been mutual.

I'm so glad I'm out of this madness!!

Hello

Ovenchips - I had never heard of limerence either. Am still calling mine a "crush" as it makes it sound more ridiculous and infantile. I don't want to give it any more importance than it deserves! :)

legal - sorry to hear you're going through this unwelcome experience too. Can only imagine how awkward it must feel if you have to go away together. Do you think that she has any idea?
In answer, I don't bother with FB generally and any communication via text has been quite minimal. As mentioned before, we're not at friendship stage. We see each other a lot at work, get on really well but are at acquaintance/pre-friendship stage which I am grateful for. I really hope this calms down and you can get on with your life!

Pipbin - school girl crush is SUCH a good description. My grandma was quite eccentric (and had dementia :() and I remember her talking about when she was at boarding school and the girls all had "pashes" on one another. It sounds like you struggled with yours, especially as you were married at the time. It makes you feel guilty doesn't it? Glad you moved on from what derxa rightly calls "madness"

Thanks for your response. I have no idea if she knows, I do accidentally on purpose flirt occasionally via paying compliments but she may see that as me trying to cheer her up. Don't think her DH pays her many and she's convinced she's unattractive/overweight/old etc when actually shes gorgeous. Not sure if it would be obvious in any other way, we get on v v well and have similar sense of humour so there's always banter. I'm secretly in fear that if she found out she'd be horrified. Ho hum.

legal - I hope things settle for you. It sounds like your feelings are very strong; it's not fun I know.
Top tip, have started watching another Mad Men series this weekend as last time I did, I had a bit of a crush on John Hamm (FFS!! :/). Have decided I need a different type of escapism so am opting for the box set from now on. Far safer and is definitely stopping me from obsessing for a while!

ps legal,

I think you and I should definitely give the new Cate Blanchett film a wide berth!

Am currently nursing my aching heart (rolls eyes) with Netflix as it is! Although perhaps I should try Mad Men instead of Orange Is The New Black.. but then again, I am a Cate Blanchett fan ;)

Reassuring to know there are others in the same position and that I am not actually mental. I hope John Hamm helps, at least until your next 'randy old lady' day at work!

ps. Just tried an episode of Mad Men, great recommendation! Not sure if I could chain watch the episodes or distract myself with John Hamm though, so you're going to need to give me some more recommendations to save me from ladylust.