DD's dad is STILL being a dick!

[Robotgirl]

Hi all
Posted this thread last month.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2493342-dd-s-dad-is-being-a-dick

ExP has become increasingly disinterested (cancelling seeing DD on her birthday & not coming to her important medical appointment that he usually attends).
Last Friday he had her overnight & I had a night out.
Throughout DD's life, whenever he puts her to bed & she has settled, he texts me. He used to do it automatically but now I text & he immediately updates me. But last Friday he didn't. So I texted him. And rang him. And rang again. Basically I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right & as he lives 5 mins from me, my friends & I went back to my place via his. We knocked on the door. The lights were on but it appeared the place was empty, but her buggy & overnight bag were in the hallway. After texting, knocking & ringing him several times, we all became very worried. I decided to call 101. I was in bits with worry.
The police told me they would send a unit asap. I have never felt so sick with worry. After 45 mins of standing outside his house, he rang me. He told me that DD was with him at his GF's house. This was 3 hours after my initial text. I was incredibly angry & told him the police were involved & asked for GF address. GF then came on the phone saying she didn't want 'all this impacting on her career!?!'
I just wanted to see my daughter so me & my friends got a taxi over to their place & got her. DD seemed unaffected by it all, & went straight to bed when we got home.
I wouldn't have been fussed that they were staying with his GF if only he had told me & texted to say DD was settled, everything could have been avoided. On return to the house with DD, the police were waiting to speak to me about everything.
As I think I said in my previous thread, ExP never instigates overnight stays for DD, never asks how she is, and I just feel exhausted with constantly asking him to make time for her as I want her to see him & his family & have a relationship with them. I feel like I can't trust him anymore & don't know where to go from here.
Anyone been in a similar situation?
Any advice?

She was safe & well indeed but it took 3 hours to find this out.
It was a long & horrible 3 hours that could have been avoided with a text.

Op, do you give your ex a running commentary on where your dd is at all times? How would you feel if he started driving past your house to check that dd was where you say she is and then called the police when you didn't respond to demanding texts?

The interest in arranging contact is one thing, but assuming that your ex isn't a danger to your dd, and given he has her unsupervised over night it doesn't seem that he is is quite another. As hard as this is you need to step back when your dd is with him. You don't have a right to demand to know where she is or to be able to go and get her when your demands aren't met, any more than he has a right to make the same demands of you. It's hard, but this is going to be your life for the next ten years at least until she can sort her own contact. You really will not do your relationship with your dd any favours if you keep reacting like this. She's three now and doesn't understand, but it's not going to be long until she does.

My ds is thirteen now so we're past that kind of age, but if he'd been younger and my ex acted as you did on Friday I would seriously be looking into residence orders and such like on the basis that that kind of reaction is not healthy for the child.

WannaBe
Always happy to give ExP updates on how DD is doing and vice versa.
(He has her overnight so rarely, there's only ever a bedtime text, which is fine)
It's a verbal agreement we have.
Re my reaction being unhealthy for DD; better to be sure she's ok than to just carry on with my night out?
This was a one off. I really wanted a night out. Would not have behaved in this way if ExP behaviour was not out of character & thoughtless.